Details
by Sammy-Dee
Summary: He doesn't need him, Demyx knows that. Axel never needed him, not like he needed Axel. And with Roxas around, it seems as though their relationship is over. Akudemy, zemyx, akuroku
1. Details

AN: This is written somewhat differently than my other work, I think. The reason for that will be revealed in an 'interesting' twist at the end. There will be more to this story, if anyone likes it. If it seems like something I should continue, I will update chapter 2.

Warning: I was in a bad mood when I wrote this. Heavy subjects. No fluff. Lots of self hating by Demyx.

Disclaimer: I don't own KH

_Keeper of Fatestones: Thank you for everything (our talk). I appreciate it._

_Bryan, I'd advice you not to read this, at least not unless I decide to write the second chapter. Same goes for you, mommy._

**Details**

I saw him looking at the new kid. He was always staring at the new kid. I should've known then, but I thought we were happy. I thought I meant something to him, but he never needed me like I needed him.

He's everything I'm not: brilliant, gorgeous, outgoing, talented, confident, how could I not fall in love with him? After a few years of dating my thoughts of 'why would he want me' disappeared. I began thinking, 'he loves me, I don't know why, but something about me must be worth loving'.

Oh, how naive I was. Nothing about me is worth loving. I'm overly obsessed with music, I'm shy, my hair looks like an accident, I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm nothing anyone would want. And Axel, he made me think that was untrue. Now I've been shown that I was horribly mistaken in giving into that hope. It's just that I loved Axel so much, I trusted him with every fiber of my being. I was such an idiot, why would a gorgeous, tall, red haired god want me. I remember the first day I saw him perfectly.

It was freshman year, and I was scurrying through the halls desperately searching for my classroom. I was a small thing at the time, barely 5'6", and a twerpy little twig. I ended up running straight into him. He didn't budge but I was knocked to the floor by the force of impact. His piercing green eyes met mine, but he didn't see me. His eye merely glanced while mine captured. I was captivated by the redhead from that day on.

I spent my day scoping him out, praying for a chance to gaze upon his glory again. Why didn't he see me? Well of course it's because he didn't want to. I am nobody, I am nothing and there is no reason for him to look at me.

I was never too confident in myself but the first time I saw Axel…I really began to notice exactly how disgusting I was. I used to dislike that I was shy, and my homework was very often poorly done because I was listening or playing music again. But when I saw Axel, that's when I started hating my appearance. I could never be that beautiful.

Still, over a period of two years I grew five more inches, not nearly as tall as Axel but I was taller. And with my weight training I began to fill out, so much so that I am now wider that Axel. People tell me its muscle, but I stopped eating regularly anyway. I kept my hair the same mullet style I'd had for years, my eyes remained blue, and my face kept its ugly appearance.

Nothing I ever did would make me as gorgeous as Axel. I just didn't have enough to work with, and at that point I gave up on making myself worthy of Axel. He was breathtakingly gorgeous, I was not. He was perfect, and I was anything but. On the first day of my junior year of high school, I nearly had a heart attack when I saw Axel in my advanced English class. It was a senior class; I shouldn't have been so shocked. He was sitting with his friend Zexion near the middle of the classroom and the first thing I noticed was that he'd gotten his face tattooed over the summer. I had thought he could look no sexier but those two little triangles just screamed danger and I wanted him so bad.

I sat down near the back of the class so I would have a good view of the stunning red head. But my teacher had other plans. She decided that it would be easier for her if we had a seating chart. And her seating chart placed me right next to Axel. I slowly made my way over to the desk that would place me within touching distance of my crush. Tentatively sitting down, I glanced at Axel, who wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to me, and I quickly pulled out my notes and a pen. Then I let out an embarrassing 'eep' when a hand, a beautiful long fingered hand, was placed in front of me.

"Name's Axel. A-X-E-L, got it memorized?"

"U-um…" My terrified blue eyes met Axel's confident green eyes. He was seeing me for the first time. I suddenly wanted to hide. Why did I eat that morning, I was probably looking like an overstuffed turkey bursting at the seams. I hadn't spent enough time on my hair, I forgot to use mouthwash, my eyes aren't as pretty as his, Axel's face is spotless other than the tattoos, and I have a few light freckles. I shouldn't be allowed to show myself in front of him.

"It's okay; you have all year to memorize it. Just keep working on it." Axel said as he dropped his hand, which I had neglected to shake. "What's your name?"

"I'm, um, my name is Demyx."

Axel used a finger to tap the side of his temple, "I'll commit it to memory, Demyx." His luscious lips formed a smirk. I don't deserve to be in his presence. He is so…perfect. "Have I seen you before?"

"Um, n-no, I don't think so." I stumble over the right words. I could actually tell him every detail of the day I first saw him. I could tell him the details to the point that he would consider me a stalker. But what was the point, he hadn't really seen me that day. There was no reason for me to tell him that I remembered that day like it was yesterday.

"Oh, I could've sworn I'd seen you before. Maybe the hallways, huh?" Axel commented just as the teacher walked up to his desk. He slowly raised his head to meet her furious gaze with a sheepish smile across his face.

"Do I need to move you to the front of the classroom, Axel." She threatened.

"No ma'am." Axel was silent for the rest of class, which I would eventually learn was quite a feat for him, and I pulled my hoodie over my head to hide the fact that I had put my earphones in and turned on my mp3. It was a problem I had. I just couldn't fathom listening to out teacher drone on about what we would be doing this year, and all the things we're not allowed to do. That was just so boring. But music, now there's something that's interesting. That is something I can understand.

When class was over I immediately ran out the door and to my locker. After putting my books into the much too small space I walked to my favorite place in the school, the band room. My teacher had given me a key freshman year so I could go in and practice during lunch even if he wasn't there. And that's what I did, everyday. The instruments changed, sometimes they were mine, sometimes they were the school's, but I always played music at lunch.

There was something in music that calmed me. It didn't matter if I was playing it or listening to it, I could just loose myself in it. I wasn't ugly in music; in fact, I didn't even exist in music. It was just a beautiful being that existed solely on its own, empowering anything and everything, and casting no judgments. I knew I wasn't' much to look at, but the music I played, well let me just put it this way; I would love to look like the music I create. Axel looks like the music I make; I look like what you leave in a toilet.

Even Axel's friends look like my music. All of them are as gorgeous as him, especially Zexion. I would never be as beautiful as them. And that's why I escaped into my music. I didn't exists as a physical being in music. I'm happy when I don't exist. I'm happy when I'm listening and playing music. Any other time, I'm just going through the motions of life, wearing a mask to keep myself out of the counselor's office.

The rest of my day dragged on without any more surprises. I went, I listened to music, I didn't hear a thing the teachers said, and I went home, listened to music, attempted doing homework, ended up writing a song about Axel, played the song, and went to bed. That was basically my life, wake up, music, pretend to eat breakfast, music, go to school, music, go to class, listen to the teacher, get bored and listen to music, and so on. Music was my life saver in a world where I was drowning in the depths of the darkest oceans. Music was everything; I wish it was still enough.

The week went by following the pattern of my life. Axel was rarely quiet in class and I often found myself turning my music off just so I could listen to the beauty that was his voice. Every word that rolled out of his mouth held a musical note to it. I felt that it was the most beautiful music I had ever heard. My voice wasn't as beautiful as his, and my voice was actually one of the few things I like about myself. But Axel's voice was something else; it was magical. After about two months of the same routine over and over, something happened. I was writing a poem in English, which happened to be about Axel's voice, when a mesmerizing and sultry voice, one I recognized immediately, whispered near my ear, "Sit with us at lunch." I turned in my seat to look at Zexion, he really is every bit as gorgeous as Axel.

He was casually leaning on my desk with his arms crossed. All I could see of his face was the curtain of blue hair covering it. I would've much rather seen the left side of his face, the side he didn't hide, but that will have to wait for band practice. He played piano and cello, I played…well I play just about everything. And for the concert we were preparing for, I was first cello and Zexion was second, which means I sit on his left and therefore have an amazing view of his face.

"I have to go to the band room, Zexion." I responded and he turned his head so his single visible eye was staring me down.

"You don't _have_ to, you chose to be antisocial and spend your lunch period in the band room. Axel and I, however, would like you to join us. You can miss one lunchtime band practice can't you?" Zexion asked with a slight hint of a smile. I'd never even seen the tiniest bit of a smile from him and was quite shocked. Even now after several years of knowing him, I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who's ever seen him smile.

"I-I guess so." I agreed. If Axel wanted me to go, of course I'd go. But why would he want me? Why would anyone want me for company? I'm not smart, I don't like sports or politics, religion is a topic I only vaguely understand, I'm not an artist or comedian, all I know is music, and that adds to me equaling an incredibly boring person. So they can't possibly want me there to talk to. I'm ugly so I won't be there to look at. What else is left? Teasing I suppose, but I'd assume with how apparently miserable I am that they'd have mercy on me. But if Axel wished it, it was well worth the risk. "Axel wants me to come?"

"Yes, he does." Zexion responded, all traces of that brief hint of a smile gone. In fact, he almost looked sad. Had I said something? Zexion never showed emotion, and yet, in the time that he'd talked to me today, I could swear I saw both happiness and sadness in his face. How could I, provoke something like that, he must've been thinking about something or someone else. "So, will you be joining us?"

"Yeah, I'll join you and Axel." I smiled as I said Axel's name, hoping Zexion hadn't noticed.

"Because of Axel." Zexion stated with disappointment in his voice as he pushed himself off of my desk. Why was he being so…_expressive_ around me? "Follow us to lunch. We'll show you where we sit." Zexion finished as he returned to his emotionless self and walked away, back to where he and Axel had been writing their poems.

I packed up early at the end of class and when the bell rang I immediately went to meet Zexion and Axel, but Axel was already gone. I gave Zexion a questioning look as we walked out of the classroom. "He's coming, don't worry. He just needs to talk to Marly." All emotion was again, absent from his voice; he was back to normal. We remained silent for the rest of the walk to the cafeteria and when we arrived, Zexion silently gestured to their table before walking into the lunch line.

Since I generally only ate one meal a day, in an attempt to get rid of the layers of fat that had developed during weight training, I skipped the lunch line and just sat down at the round table that could fit six to eight people. While I was waiting Axel arrived and sat down right next to me. "Demyx, right?" he asked.

"Yeah." I said, a bit confused. I thought Zexion had said Axel wanted me to sit with them.

"Nice to see you out of the classroom. Don't eat?" Axel asked as he leaned back in his chair and pointed at the empty space in front of me.

"I don't like school food; I eat when I get home." I said truthfully.

"That's understandable. I mooch off of Zexion. Right Zexy baby?" Axel smirked as Zexion sat down across from us.

"Keep using that name and the next time you try to grab a fry I'll stab you with my fork." Zexion stated matter-of-factly.

"Ooooo, with all that anger in your voice I better be careful." Axel commented and I looked at him like he was insane. There hadn't been an ounce of anger or any other emotion for that matter in Zexion's voice or on his face. Catching the strange look on my face Axel laughed, "It was a joke, Demy. Zexion's always so…blah." Axels said using several manic hand motions, I idly wondered if it would be possible for him to talk if someone held his hands still, "So it's kind of fun to joke about it. I'm not completely insane. I can tell that Zexion is as emotionless as a fork."

"How do you know a fork doesn't have emotions?" I asked, and once again, I saw a brief smile flash across Zexion's face. Axel was too busy staring at me with his mouth hanging open to notice it.

"Um, inanimate object Dem." He explained after recovering his composure.

"What I meant was, just because you can't see its emotion, doesn't mean it doesn't have any." Once again Axel was staring at me, mouth agape, but when I caught Zexion's eye, I knew I saw a smile in his face. When he realized I saw it he quickly stood and left the table to throw his garbage out.

"Okay Dem, I like that. The fact that forks have emotions in your world makes you that much more special. It makes you unique. I really like that." Axel said. "I really like you." Now it was my turn to stare at _him_ slack jawed. Axel was still staring at me with intense eyes and I was staring unbelievingly at him when Zexion came back. "Zexion, babe, can you give Demy and me some alone time?"

A brief flicker of surprise and possibly hurt crossed Zexion's face before he nodded. "Can I have the keys to the band room De-, please?" Other than the small catch at the end his voice held no emotion. "I'll give them back at practice." He continued as he held his hand out, which I noticed was shaking slightly. I stared curiously at his hand for a moment before reaching into my coat and grabbing the keys. As soon as I handed them to him he was gone.

"Is he okay?" I asked Axel.

"I'm sure he's fine. For someone as emotionless as him, he can be quite moody."

"Then he isn't really emotionless, is he?" He wears a mask like me.

"Whatever, he gets over it. So what are you interested in?"

"Um…" What about Zexion? Why did he care what I liked? I'm just and ugly little nobody. "I like music."

"That's it, you have no other interests?"

_You_ I thought, but simply nodded and said "Pretty much."

"Okay, well that works. What kind of music do you like?" Axel inquired further.

"Everything."

"Really?" I nodded, "Well, I have two tickets to a Slipknot concert. Would you want to go with me?"

My jaw dropped. He wanted _me_ to go with _him_. "Uh, what about Zexion? Wouldn't you rather go with him?"

"It's not really his thing, he prefers bands with 'classical influence', whatever. And no, I wouldn't prefer him. I'm asking you out Dem. So will you go with me?"

"Yes." It was the happiest moment of my life only made better when Axel hugged me, hugged as in both arms wrapped around me and faces touching. The gorgeous red head had asked me out. My dream was coming true. It didn't feel like I was being pulled under an endless sea anymore, I felt like I could swim.

I was excited, more than usual, to get to band practice after that amazing lunch. I needed to be able to let it all out, to express my emotions. And I do that best when I have an instrument in my hands. I quickly went into the storage room, grabbed my cello, and hurried into the band room, where Zexion was already set up and practicing. I sat down next to him and started setting up. "You look happy, what happened?" Zexion asked as he handed me the keys and continued playing a soft melody.

"Axel asked me out!" I covered my ears as Zexion's melody was abruptly cut off by a not so beautiful screech of a note gone terribly wrong.

"What?" He said calmly, looking straight ahead and taking his bow off of the strings.

"We're going to go see Slipknot!" I exclaimed as our teacher, Cid Highwind walked in.

"Mr. Highwind, I don't feel good, can I go to the nurse?"

"What's wrong, Zexion?" Mr. Highwind asked.

"Uh-umm…lunch?" Zexion lied. His mask was gone, I could tell. I don't know why, but that mask that kept everyone from seeing the real him was slipping. I'll hand it to him, he knows how to get out of Cid Highwind's class with just one word.

"Damn those lunch ladies! I've been tellin' the boss man for years that they're putting poison in that shit they feed us. Go Zexion, and hurry, your stomach may need to be pumped." And with Cid's consent Zexion was gone, and free to reapply his mask. "Demyx, put his cello away for him, will ya." Cid demanded.

"Alright, Cid." I replied before grabbing Zexion's cello.

After that day I never saw a slip in Zexion's mask again. But I do believe that I can see past it. Having my own mask, I'm quite the expert on them and I believe I know Zexion for who he is and not the perfect person he pretends to be. And it's a shame he hides that person. He really is an amazing man.

The concert was awesome. It's something I will never forget and ever since that night Axel and I were officially boyfriends. He was always perfect. He held doors open for me, he never kept _us_ a secret, he told me he loved me every moment of the day, he came to every band concert, he made me feel like I was someone worth loving, and that maybe just maybe I wasn't as repulsive as I thought. We stayed together in my senior year of high school, his freshman year of college. When I went to college I was able to share a room with him. That wasn't always fun though. After being with me for over two and a half years, Axel wanted sex. I told him I didn't feel ready, but he persisted.

How could I deny him? I was lucky to be with him and he was definitely the best I could ever have. Without him, I'd be nothing, so I gave in. It wasn't bad, I did like it, but I still think I wasn't ready, it didn't feel like I felt it should feel. I thought it was supposed to be special, and wonderful, but it was more like it was just something to do. After that night I felt like I always had to say 'yes'. Place, time, how I felt, it didn't matter. Axel was such a perfect person, and he did so much for me, I had to give him what he wanted, because he gave me everything I wanted.

Axel made me feel like the happiest person in the world. He didn't care that I was obsessed with music; he said it was alright as long as he was still my number one. He didn't care that I was fat and ugly, he told me, "Not everyone can be as gorgeous as me.", and he didn't care that I was boring; he said he was interesting enough for the both of us. I loved him so much. I loved you so much Axel.

I still love you Axel, with everything that I am, I love you. I'd give an arm for you, I'd die for you. I'm crying right now Axel, I am crying and you are sitting next to me. You don't even notice. My hand is shaking, my heart is breaking, and the tears are falling, but the only person you can see is Roxas. There was a time when you would take my head in your hands, kiss each tear away and tell me, "Don't cry Demy, it hurts me when you cry." Where is that Axel, I need him?

I'm drowning in that never ending sea again, my life saver can't hold me up anymore, and you aren't here to grab my hand. Why Axel, why would you give me so much hope, why did you make me feel beautiful and like I'm someone worth loving, when you just rip it out from beneath me now.

I know Roxas is better than me, I know that. It's not exactly difficult to be better than me, but why did you have to make me like me? Why did you teach me that it was okay to not hide behind a mask? Why did you love me? It would hurt less if you had never loved me. Axel…

Axel, I love you more than life itself, and I know I've lost you. When Roxas is in the room, you don't see me, you don't love me, and I have no reason to live anymore. I was living for you Axel, not me. And now I'm dying for you. I'm tired; I can't keep myself above the water anymore. I just…can't. I'm giving up Axel, and I just had to let you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me before I go. I love you Axel, and I've always needed you. And I realize that you've never needed me. I see the way you look at Roxas and the way he looks at you.

You two belong together. Please be happy, please show him the amazing man you are, and love him more than you ever loved me. He deserves it. It's time for me to let go, it's time for me to accept my place at the bottom of the endless ocean that has been trying to consume me my entire life. Good bye Axel, I'll always love you, more than life itself.

With all my love,

Demyx

***

Axel watched as Zexion read the note over and over again. His eyes moved with every hand scrawled line. His face filled with emotion that Axel had never before seen in him. When Zexion finally looked up from the pages in his hands his deep blue eyes were filled with tears. One even gently caressed his cheek leaving a shiny trail in its wake as it fell down his face. "So?" Axel asked, and then coward when Zexion's gaze became a hateful sneer.

"You had him. You had the most astonishing man in the world and you fucked it up. Did you cry Axel? Did you even shed a tear for him?"

"I'm sad Zexion, I am. But do you think I should do what he said. It's his last wish and all. Should I go for Roxas?" Axel asked. Without warning Zexion's fist made contact with his face and sent him stumbling to the floor.

"I wanted him all those years, you fucking asshole. I wanted him. I wanted to make beautiful music with him for the rest of our lives. I wanted to show him how beautiful he is. I wanted him to know that he is the most interesting and wonderful person to ever be born. I wanted to be the one who made him smile and kissed him in the moonlight. I wanted to show him that I love him more than anything. But I didn't because I saw how happy you made him. I held back because you said you loved him. But if you really loved him you'd be falling apart right now. You'd be feeling like you couldn't go on a moment longer. You'd be feeling like me, you wouldn't be thinking about Roxas. I love him Axel, and I never got to tell him." Zexion fell to his knees and held his face in his hands as he started crying.

Axel had never seen Zexion cry, he'd never seen him breakdown like this. On his hands and knees he crawled to Zexion and wrapped his arms around his best friend. "I didn't know Zexion. I didn't know how you felt. When it comes to reading people I'm pretty clueless. But I did love him Zexion, I still do. I'm sorry Zexion, I really am. You needed him, and I think you would've been better for him. I'm so sorry I didn't know sooner." Axel held his friend tight, letting his own unshed tears fall.

"I just want him to know how much I love every detail of him." Zexion cried into Axel's shoulder.

**AN: Just to clarify, the entire first part of this story was a suicide note. Probably one of the longest suicide notes ever written, but that is what it was. There are so many more possibilities for this story that I would love to write.**

**Look at that ending; it's pretty open isn't it. It doesn't feel completely finished. **

**I have already started writing chapter 2. If anyone likes this chapter, I will possibly update the next one (which isn't quite as depressing as this one). And obviously the writing for any additional chapters will be more like my own seeing as i won't be writing a suicide note as Demyx anymore.**

**Thanks for all Reviews, favs, and alerts**


	2. Two Sides to Every Story

AN: Well, thank you so much for all the reviews. I believe every single one of the reviews said to continue, so I did. I must say I am happy where the story is going, and I am almost done writing chapter 3.

IMPORTANT: There will be a song in this chapter and it is sung in French, therefore I wrote it in French. I'm assuming a majority of you, like me, can't read French, so there will be a translation in the bottom AN. I put the song in because I felt it was important, the words are important. I didn't do it to annoy people; I just felt it was right.

Disclaimer: I don't own KH, or "Puis qu'en oubli"

Enjoy chapter two, I don't think I can top the first chapter but I hope you like it. There will be a lot of Axel in this chapter.

**Chapter Two: Two Sides to Every Story**

It really hit me when I signed my name. The reality of what I was doing truly hit me in that moment and I knew that I was making the right choice. I neither had a reason to live nor wanted to live. Hell I didn't deserve to live. I constantly took and took, but what did I ever give to Axel. If I were a giving person, he may have felt loved, and he may still love me, but I failed him.

I folded the pieces of paper that held my lasts thoughts within them and wrote Axel's name across it just before the teacher released us and Axel jumped out of his seat to go after Roxas. When he was about halfway to the door he stopped so suddenly it was like there was a wall in the middle of the room that he had just smacked right into. Then he turned around and smiled at me, "Come on Demy, let's go eat." And he held his hand out for me.

I got up from my chair, hid the suicide note in my jacket, wiped my wet eyes, and grabbed Axel's hand for the last time. Even holding his hand felt wrong now, like I was holding a stranger's hand and not my lover's. It was all gone, and I hadn't seen it coming. It was like yesterday we were in love and today we weren't. The loving, the caring, the passion, it was all gone. How did we lose it? How could he fall out of love with me and in love with Roxas so fast? I suppose Roxas is much more interesting than me, and he's adorable, smart, funny, outgoing, and truly likeable. There wasn't really anything likeable about me. I'm just me, and there is nothing interesting about that.

When Axel dragged me into the college cafeteria he immediately sat down at the table next to Roxas' table, giving him a spectacular view of the blond. "Come Dem, sit." Axel demanded after noticing I had yet to sit down.

"Oh, you know what Axel, I forgot something in the dorm. I'll be ba-…uh, I'll see you later." I replied. Then I bent down and kissed him deeply for the last time.

"You gonna be long?" Axel asked as he peeked at Roxas out of the corner of his eye.

"Nah, I'm gonna try to make it quick." I said quietly before walking away and leaving Axel to his staring. Axel truly deserved the best and Roxas was certainly better than me, so I couldn't blame him. This was all my fault. I wasn't god enough for him; I was never good enough for him. And I'd always known that. I suppose I was just hoping that was my imagination, but no, it was truth, I was never good enough for Axel.

As I reached the elevator that would lead me to my floor, I saw my music teacher, Ms. Lockheart, step out of it. "Demyx! I got your email. Why aren't you coming to our one on one practice, are you feeling ill?"

"Yeah, sorry Ms. Lockheart, you know I look forward to our sessions but I'm just not up for it tonight. I emailed you so you wouldn't show up and wait the entire hour and a half for me to just not show up."

"Well thanks for letting me know Dem. I hope you feel well tomorrow."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll be feeling nothing. That is most definitely better. Good bye Ms. Lockheart." I declared before walking into the elevator and pressing the small button for my floor. This is the last ride up. I wasn't at all saddened by that thought, I actually felt relieved.

No more. I wouldn't be doing any of this anymore. When the elevator dinged and the doors opened, I stepped out and began walking towards mine and Axel's dorm. Knowing that I didn't have to do a damn thing anymore was such a fucking relief. I am done, my struggle is over, and I'm accepting my fate at the bottom of the endless sea.

When I reached our door I took my key out for the last time, unlocked the door, and slowly creaked it open before walking in for the last time. As I looked around the room I realized there was nothing in this room that said I lived here, it was all Axel. Everything in the room was red and black, his favorite colors. The bedspread across our joined beds was black, the walls were red, and the curtain and TV were black. The only thing in the room that was my favorite color was my blue sitar, and most of the time it was hidden away in its case.

I didn't mind that Axel had taken over the room, it was our life and he deserved to be happy. And because the room was his, it felt like mine, or it used to. Now that he has Roxas it seems like I'm just a stranger here, only made more apparent by the fact that anything I owned was not out in the open. I didn't want to be in this room anymore. It hurt too much, and brought back memories I didn't deserve to have anymore.

Quickly, I took the note out of my pocket, placed it on our bed, said good bye to each of my instruments and Axel's picture, and then I walked out of the room for the last time. I then stepped into the elevator, and out when I reached the ground floor, left the school, and fell into my beat up car.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, in no particular direction, I began to think, how am I going to do this? Hanging often fails, cutting is too slow and I'm not sure I could actually bring myself to cause physical harm to me, I never have before, I don't own a gun, maybe jumping. There is an extremely high cliff at the edge of town, I could jump off of that and hit the rocks and sea below. The mess would be washed away and my body wouldn't be found. Plus, I couldn't back out, after jumping you are kind of stuck with your decision. Yes, that's what I'm doing.

As I turned onto the road that would lead me to my watery grave my phone started ringing an annoyingly joyful tune. Who the hell would be calling me? Axel was too busy with Roxas, I talked to my parents last night, and I had no one else. I dug deep into my pocket, grabbed the phone and answered a bit shortly, "Hello."

_"Something wrong Dem?"_

"No, Zexion, what do you want?"

_"Dem, you sound upset, are you sure you're okay?" _Zexion persisted, why the hell did he care. "_I can bring my cello to your dorm and we can play."_

"I'm fine Zexion! Leave me alone and don't bother going to Axel's dorm, I'm not there." Music couldn't help me anymore.

_"Did something happen between you and Axel? He can be an ass as you well know. I can talk to him if you like; knock some sense into that thick skull of his."_

"Zexion…" I sighed, trying and failing to hold back tears, "Just leave it alone."

_"You are obviously upset; I want to fix it for you." _Zexion insisted,"_I want you to be happy, and I'll do anything to make that happen, you're my friend Dem."_

"Good bye Zexion." I said before hanging up on my long time music companion and only friend. Tears were pouring down my face as I pulled onto the cliff and stepped out of my car. I blindly stumbled over to the ledge and sat down, letting every tear fall, letting all the emotions I generally hid show. This was me, this was the raw unedited miserable me. I couldn't have my mask off without this pitiful creature showing. I hate myself, I hate everything about me, I despise my life, and now I'll end it. How could anyone want me? Why did I believe that was possible? If I couldn't love me, no one could love me. I should've destroyed this empty shell that I am a long time ago.

When I composed myself, to some degree, I glanced over the edge. It was a lot farther down than I had thought. But I know this was right, I was ready. The sea was calling me, like the sirens called Odysseus, but I wasn't tied to the post of a ship, I was free to go to them, free to accept my fate and jump.

oOo

The way Demyx kissed me before leaving was strange, it felt so final, like he didn't expect to see me again. It was worrying me, but I soon forgot my concerns when I sat down and saw that Roxas had moved from his table and joined me at mine.

"You're gay?" He asked me.

"No, I just make a habit of kissing men in public." I spoke, then immediately regretted it. Those were the first words I'd ever spoken to Roxas and they were dripping with sarcasm. Ugh…but what did I care, I never bothered with people's opinions of me. I'm Axel, and I change for no one. But surprisingly, Roxas was smiling.

"Yes, I thought it was something like that." He joked, and held out his hand, "My name's Roxas."

I took his smaller hand in mine, "Axel. A-X-E-L, got it memorized?"

"Since the first day of class." He responded with a wicked grin.

"Same here."

Roxas absolutely beamed the most gorgeous smile I'd ever seen, "I wanna be friends Axel, is that alright with you? I'm not gonna get between you and your boyfriend, I just want a friend?"

"What if I didn't have a boyfriend?"

"But you do, and he's adorable, and incredibly sweet, so I can't imagine why you wouldn't want him."

"Hypothetically, if I didn't have Demyx, would you want to be more than friends?"

"I'd be lying if I said no, but the point is you have that cutie, he's all yours, and I just want to be friends. I just transferred here and I don't know anyone. Will you be just friends with me Axel?" Roxas asked again.

"Yeah, I'll be just friends with you, and I'm sure Demyx and Zexion will be too."

Once again, Roxas' smile was lighting up the entire room, "Thank you Axel!" He exclaimed and then unexpectedly jumped up and wrapped his arms around me. It sent shivers down my spine to have so much of him pressed against me. I couldn't move, I didn't know how to without molesting him in front of the entire cafeteria. Why didn't Demyx make me feel like this?

After Roxas finally let go, and straightened out, he smile once more, "You're blushing Axel, it's cute. See you tomorrow." I sat in stunned silence as he walked away glancing back at me and smiling every so often. What a fucking tease. Oh, but he was so beautiful. From the first day I saw him I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was perfect in every way, his unruly blond hear, his small frame, the captivating smile, he was perfection, every tiny detail of him was absolute perfection.

"Hey Axel, wow, you're sitting alone for once, where's your adorable bundle of cuteness?" Marluxia, my rose haired friend asked.

"I don't know, he just walked away, maybe he went to his dorm, or has a class, I have no idea."

"Umm…are you talking about Roxas, he has a class, which I'm going to be late for, but I was talking about Demyx."

"Oh shit! It's been a while. I should probably go make sure he didn't get lost in his music again. See you later Marly."

"Bye Axel, and I think you need to realize how great Demyx is. Lately you've been talking about him like he's a burden, but he really is a good boyfriend Axel. Think about it." Marluxia said sternly.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it memorized, Demyx is the shit, I know." I waved my friend off as I left the cafeteria in search of my boyfriend. The thought of Demyx was beginning to depress me. I didn't know why but, he didn't excite me as much as he used to. His smile wasn't as bright, his eyes didn't shine, he never seemed happy. It just wasn't like it used to be. I used to love him because he was so innocent so adorable. Now, he's just different. His mood always brings me down and I love him simply because we've been together so long.

I've been putting off breaking up with him because he's been more depressed lately. I just couldn't bring myself to hurt him even more. But it is unfair for both of us if we stay together. We both deserve happiness and I am not getting it from him, and he certainly isn't getting it from me. But timing is important with Demyx. I can't do it on a really bad day, which is almost every day for him, and I won't do it on a good day because they are so rare for him, and I just can't ruin it. So now I wait until I can get the balls to break up with my boyfriend of three and a half years.

Hmm…I walked into the dorm room Demyx and I shared and the first thing I noticed was his instruments lying out on our bed. He never left them out but the guitar, cello, and sitar, were all there, sitting unprotected across the bed. I hope he isn't sick. When I got closer to the bad I saw a folded note with my name on it, in Demyx's hand writing.

Shit! What is this? I had a horrible feeling running through me as my hands shakily picked up the piece of paper. I took a few deep breaths before unfolding it and reading. With every word my stomach clenched tighter and my heart tore itself apart more and more. It was becoming nearly impossible to hold back the tears that my father had taught me I was never allowed to shed.

What had I done to this amazing creature? What did I do to my sweet Demy? How had I not seen past the mask he wore, how did I let him down so bad? Why hadn't I left the cafeteria sooner? I'd known there was something wrong with that kiss. Where is he, I need to get to him. I dropped the note from my hand and pulled out my phone. I called him over and over but there was never an answer. As the realization hit me, that I may never see Demyx again, I staggered over to the wall, fell against it, and I cried. I cried for the first time in my life, knowing if my dad were here he'd be disappointed, but for once in my life not caring what he thought. I did this to Demyx.

I don't know how long I stayed slumped against the wall, crying into my knees, but eventually I composed myself. When the tears stopped falling I did a series of breathing exercises to return my breathing to its natural rhythm. Then I walked into the bathroom to erase all traces of tears and any other evidence that I had given into my emotions. It seems that hiding emotions is something Demyx, Zexion and I all have in common. But I am the best at it. No one knows what I hide. Even Demyx thought I was perfection.

But this, hiding it all, and moving pass it, is what I'm good at. When I was five and my mother and twin sister were killed by a drunk driver that my father and I managed to survive he told me I was not to cry. Men don't cry. We have to be strong Mom and Ariel are gone, but you do not cry for them, you get over it and move on. You don't dwell in the past. You can't change it and your grief only shows weakness. Emotions are weaknesses. I was trained by the best to conceal my feelings and I perfected it to a point that I could fake emotions so well that no one would know that I've been dead inside since the day my mom and sister died. Demyx brought some of the life back, and I killed him in return.

I had to repay him somehow, but I didn't know what to do. He said I should be with Roxas but I don't know if I can move on so soon. I don't know if I should go through with his last wish because it's what he wants or if I should just curl up somewhere and die like I want to. I just don't know what to do. Zexy will know, Zexion can tell me what to do. He's the smart one. He's not gonna tell me to go die, nor would I let him know that I feel this way, but he will let me know if its right to follow Demyx's orders.

When I was completely back to normal, no tears, no puffiness, no redness, everything concealed, I picked up Demyx's last words and left the room in search of Zexion. It didn't take long to find my blue haired friend. I literally walked right into him when I turned around after locking the dorm door. "Zexy? I was lookin for you."

"What the hell did you do to Demyx?! I called him and he was crying." Zexion fumed.

"Everything, I did everything to him. Zexion I need your opinion on something." I admitted as I handed Zexion the note. He gave me a questioning look before accepting it and beginning to read it.

oOo

"Puis qu'en en oubli sui de vous, dous amis, vie amoureuse et joie a Dieu commant. Mar vi le jour que m'amour en vous mis; Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis. Mais ce tenray que je vous ay promis: C'est que jamais n'aray nul autre amant. Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous, dous amis, vie amoureuse et joie a Dieu commant."

The bittersweet words left my mouth as the last song I'd ever sing. And how fitting a song it was, 'Since I am forgotten.' That is what I am, forgotten. After I jump, no one will remember me, no one will miss me, because I am forgotten. I thought as I stood up, ready to jump.

Just as I was about to plunge over the side, I looked into that deep blue sea, and I saw Zexion reflecting back at me. It was like looking into the deep depths of his eyes or gazing upon the many shade of blue in his hair. Why had he called me? Why did he have to make this difficult? Why did he make me second guess myself. I had been sure about what I was doing before he called, practically begging to help me feel better. Why would he care in the first place? I just wanted to jump but his words were holding me back.

"I want to fix it for you. I want you to be happy, and I'll do anything to make that happen." If only he knew, nothing he could do would fix it. I would never be happy and if he dwelled on trying to make me happy, he would lose himself. All of his energy would be wasted. I'm better off dead. I can't hurt anyone, I won't' be a burden, and I won't be in anymore pain, it'll be over. That is what I want; I want the suffering to end. So why can't I jump when I think of Zexion?

Finally giving up on my ability to jump, I left the cliff's edge and walked towards my car, and slid into it. Maybe it was the music. Zexion had offered to play music with me, so maybe music does continue to have the ability to make me feel better. I put the car in reverse, and pulled back onto the road, numbly driving back to the college. I couldn't handle college right now, I needed to get my life together and rethink a few things. School would only remind me of everything I'd lost, mainly Axel.

After driving around for a while I pulled into the dorm parking lot, made my way into the building I thought I'd never enter again and got into the elevator. Why was I here, I should've jumped, what the hell am I doing? When the elevator doors opened I walked into the hallway and found Axel, who was on the floor, and Zexion standing in front of Axel's dorm. I'd never seen so much emotion in Zexion's face and was pretty sure his mask was completely gone.

"I love him Axel, and I never got to tell him." Zexion almost yelled. Yeah, his mask was definitely gone. I confirmed when I saw him fall to the floor, crying. Then I watched Axel crawl on his hands and knees towards Zexion, then wrap his arms around the blue haired man.

"I didn't know Zexion. I didn't know how you felt. When it comes to reading people I'm pretty clueless. But I did love him Zexion, I still do. I'm sorry Zexion, I really am. You needed him, and I think you would've been better for him. I'm so sorry I didn't know sooner." Axel said to Zexion.

"I just want him to know how much I love every detail of him." Zexion cried.

"Who?" I asked.

**AN: The Song is "Puis qu'en oubli" (Since I am Forgotten) by Guillaume de Machaut (c. 1300-1377). It's a secular (non-religious) chanson from the mid-14****th**** century. It's a beautiful song, sad but beautiful, and I thought it was fitting for this story, and Demyx's feelings. So here's the English translation:**

**Since I am forgotten by you, sweet friend,**

**I bid farewell to a life of love and joy.**

**Unlucky was the day I placed my love in you;**

**Since I am forgotten by you, sweet friend.**

**But what was promised you I will sustain:**

**That I shall never have any other love.**

**Since I am forgotten by you, sweet friend,**

**I bid farewell to a life of love and joy.**

**I don't know where you can find it to listen to it if you haven't heard it. It's sung with 3 voices, and it sounds like a chant, but it's not religious, like many chants of the 14****th**** century were. But it really is amazing.**

**Thanks for any and all reviews, favs, and alerts.**

**I hope it didn't disappoint, but it really would be almost impossible to get the same emotion I had in the first chapter.**


	3. It Wasn't Real

AN: I'm gonna keep this short. I wasn't sure if I should upload this, cuz it's not playing out like some people (at least three) wanted it to. Despite my concerns, I believe it is good how it is, and I am uploading it.

**Chapter Three: It Wasn't Real**

"Who?" I asked.

Both Axel and Zexion turned to face me, looking like they'd just seen a ghost or judging by Zexion's red puffy eyes, like they'd just seen their best friend killed by a ghost. "Demyx?" Axel spoke first. "You're not dead."

I scowled at him and pointed out my obviously solid, fat, very much alive, body, "Not yet, no."

"What about the note Demyx?" Axel asked. Zexion was still kneeling on the ground, his mask quickly coming back as he watched the exchange.

"Think of it as a glorified break up letter." I announced and pushed pass Axel to get to his dorm, idly wondering when I stopped calling it _our_ dorm. I tried the door knob but found it was locked, so I began to pat my pockets in search of my key. "God damnit!" I left them in the car, "Open the fucking door Axel!" Axel quickly pulled his keys out and carefully walked towards me like I was a ticking bomb about to go off.

"I'm sorry Dem-…"

"Just open the door." I hissed, before tears started filling my eyes again, "please."

Axel nodded and moved towards the door, while I wiped the tears away with the back of my arm and stepped away. Zexion was now standing up but still staring at me. Though it looked as though he'd composed himself, evidence of his earlier melt down was still all over his face. "Demyx…"

"I'm sorry I hung up on you Zexion, I'm not having a good day."

"That's not what I wanted to say. Demyx I…"Zexion began as Axel got the door open.

"I'll talk to you later Zexion, bye." I said and walked into the dorm with Axel right behind me and Zexion left in the hallway. I immediately grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and began shoving my clothes into it.

"Where're you going Demy?" Axels asked as he watched me shove all my belongings into one duffel bag. My lack of possessions in the room made leaving much easier, but hearing that name from Axel's lips bothered me.

"Don't! You can't use that name anymore." I reprimanded him. How could he continue to use a nickname for me. He wasn't even upset about the note! There wasn't a single mark on his face that said he'd cried for me, and why should he. What is there to miss about me?

"Where are you going, Demyx?" He persisted.

"Home."

"You don't get along with your parents."

"I don't care, I can't stay here." I cried, as I put my instruments in their cases.

"Demyx, the conversation you had with your mother last night ended with you screaming into the phone." Axel insisted, raising his voice.

"I can't stay here." I insisted quietly, looking away from Axel. "I can't stay here." I grabbed my instruments and duffel bag, and headed for the door, but Axel beat me to it, standing in front of it with his arms spread, "Axel."

"I can't let you ruin your life because of me. I'm not letting you go."

"Let me go Axel!" I yelled as I tried to push pass him, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me into the wall.

"I'd feel like a complete bastard if you left school because of me." Axel confessed, still pressing me roughly into the wall causing more tears to fall from my eyes.

"You're being a bastard now." I cried, trying to free myself, but Axel was stronger than me, or had more desire to hurt me than I had to hurt him.

"Dem, please stay. I'll go room with Marly if you don't want me around, but don't destroy your life because I'm an asshole."

"You're not an asshole, you're perfect." I mumbled.

"I'm not! Get that out of your head Dem. I'm not perfect. Nothing about me is perfect."

"But you are…"

"No! Demyx, no one is perfect, and I'm not even close to perfect. Demyx, please don't leave school." Axel insisted loosening his grip on me. How could he say that? Why didn't he realize how perfect he was? Axel, the happy, confident, beautiful man I had grown to love, didn't realize he was perfect. That gorgeous red haired man felt like that about himself. He was always s so confident, at least he was before I wrote the suicide note. I did this to him. I broke Axel. I'm a monster. I had to get out of here.

"I can't stay. I have to go." I pushed Axel away from me and started to walk towards the door. But apparently Axel recovered from his stupor because I felt him grasp my shoulder before I was painfully twisted towards him. There was venom in his eyes that I had never seen before.

"If you drop out of school, your dreams are ruined. Demxy you can't ruin your life because of me. How can I make you understand that?"

"You don't understand Axel, I don't have a life anymore." Remembering my favorite line of a song I had learned in one of my music classes I recited, "'…for I would never be joyful again, nor would joy be of any benefit to me without you; I would set out on such a road that no one would ever see me again; on that day would I die, worthy' Axel, 'that I lost you.'" I ripped Axel's hand off my shoulder and made to walk out the door for the umpteenth time. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in my head as my hair was almost pulled out by the love of my life. "Oww." I cried, falling to my knees in submission. "Please, Axel, please just let me leave. Ahhh...you're hurting me." I grabbed Axel's wrist in an attempt to loosen his agonizing grip.

"It's not good to dwell in the past, get over it, and move on!" Axel yelled inches from my face. "You fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. You fell in love with the perfect Axel you created. That's not real. It means everything we had wasn't real, therefore you've lost nothing. And stop crying Demyx! It doesn't fix anything, it won't bring them back!" Axel yelled at me, gripping my hair more fiercely with every word. I was in too much pain to pay attention to the last words he'd screamed.

"Axel, please, it hurts." I begged, my eyes full of tears and my hands clawing at his wrists. "Please Axel, I can't stay, let me go." Axel made a disgusted noise before lifting me to a standing position by my hair, making me cry more and more. Why was he doing this? The Axel I knew would never hurt me like this. "I just h-have to go, Axel. I have to go."

"Where?" He hissed.

"I don't know Axel, I just have to go." I cried out, horrified about what Axel would do next. I tried cowering away from Axel but his hold was still strong and before I knew it I was shoved with incredible force into the wall. Pain shot through my back but was quickly diminished as shock coursed through my veins. Axel had…he…hurt me. Axel was stomping towards me now with his fist raised. I did the only thing I could think of, I buried my head in my knees and covered it with my hands for protection. I had never once in my entire relationship, been scared of Axel, but now I was terrified.

oOo

"Where?" I hissed.

"I don't know Axel, I just have to go." The infuriating blond said, tears pouring down his face. I couldn't take it anymore, I shoved, nearly threw, Demyx into a nearby wall, harder than I had intended. He hit it painfully, and collapsed to the floor with a thud. Then I began to stomp towards his trembling figure, ready to punch some sense into him just like my father taught me. My dad…I'm becoming my dad. I…I shoved Demyx, I ripped his hair, bruised his shoulders, he was cowering, recoiling away from me. I was causing physical harm to him because he's not doing what I want. I was…I am...my dad.

I turned away from the cowering blond and ran out of the dorm. What was I doing? How could I do that to Demyx? How could I…I ran into the first bathroom I found and locked myself in a stall. I'm losing it, I thought to myself as I started tearing at my hair. I was letting my repressed emotions control me. I put the toilet seat down, sat, and began my breathing exercises. As I was slowly breathing in and out I heard the bathroom door open and someone walk into the stall next to me.

"Having trouble?" My head shot towards the ceiling where I saw Roxas poking his head over the top of the stall. "You looked upset; I just wanted to know if I could help."

"No, not today. Nothing will fix it." I mumbled, going back to tearing my hair out, as I heard Roxas click his tongue.

"Hmm…" Roxas disappeared then crawled under the stall door and reappeared in front of me, almost on top of my lap, due to the close proximity. "I'm sure that's not true. What happened?" He demanded as he pulled my hands out of my hair.

"I yelled, I screamed, I bruised, I pulled hair, I threw him, and I almost hit him." I admitted to the blond in front of me.

"Who?"

"Demyx."

"Oh, really…then you're totally screwed." Roxas said with a disgusted look on his face.

"Gee, thanks for making me feel better."

"Seriously, why would you do that to someone you love. Boyfriends do not do that. I never pictured you as the type, why, why would you hurt him?" Roxas scolded me, making me feel worse, as he should.

"I don't know."

"Really, you have no idea?"

"I'm…I'm becoming my father."

"Your father hits you?!"

"No." I answered and Roxas gave me a disbelieving look. "Well, not a lot. He just puts me in my place when I'm outta line. And it's been at least four years since he touched me."

"And when was the last time you saw him?" Roxas asked.

How did he know? "Three years ago."

"Yeah, thought so."

"But he didn't do it every day." I defended him. "It barely happened once a month. And it's not like it was ever bad, he didn't even leave marks…usually."

"It's still abuse." Roxas said quietly and gently ran his fingers through my abused hair. It felt so amazing, so comforting, like everything may fix itself, or at least that it didn't matter as long as this blond was near me. Shivers shot down my spine and it felt like a million hot needles were prickling my skin. I wanted to pull Roxas onto my lap, touch him everywhere, and make him feel the way he was making me feel, it was too good to be experienced alone.

When Roxas realized what he was doing his eyes widened and he pulled his hand out of my hair. "Too close, let's get out of this stall." He suggested and turned around to open the stall door. And fuck this design, the door opened into the stall, so Roxas had to straddle my legs to get it open. Then the beautiful blond lost his balance, toppling onto me. I grabbed him around the his chest and stomach to keep him from crashing to the floor while one of his hands grabbed my arm and the other grabbed my upper leg, very near my ass. As soon as he knew he was safe, he released my leg and then started laughing like this was the funniest thing in the world. "I-I d-don't think I th-thought th-this through v-very well."

His laughter was quite beautiful, and very contagious, I soon found myself joining him. "No you didn't."

"But you don't seem to mind." Roxas continued to laugh.

"What?"

"You're still holding me."

"Oh," I released him, like a hot potato, and he laughed even harder. "I didn't…I was just, you almost fell." I explained as he got off of me and stepped out of the stall.

"And then your hands lingered." Roxas grinned as he slid his hands over his chest and stomach seductively.

"Ugh…fine, next time I'll let you crack your head open." I scoffed and left the stall.

"Who says there's gonna be a next time?" Roxas laughed.

"I'm glad this is so amusing to you!" I scowled.

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't tease." Roxas apologized, "Are we still friends?" When I nodded he continued, "So did you say sorry to Demyx at least. Not that it will fix anything, but if you apologized he might not hate you."

"Oh God!" I whined and slid down the wall with my face in my hands. Demyx probably hated me now. I can't believe I did this to him. I can't believe I'm showing my real emotions in front of someone. What is wrong with me?

"Oh, um…I'm sure he doesn't hate you. He'll forgive you. You've been boyfriends for a long time haven't you?"

"He broke up with me before I started yelling at him."

"Oh, I'm sorry Axel, you two seemed fine earlier, I didn't know. Is that why you attacked him, because he broke up with you?"

"No, I got mad because he wants to quit school and it's my fault. If he leave's school he destroys his life and I feel like the biggest bastard known to mankind."

"Are you aware how selfish that sounds. It's all about you, and how it makes you feel. Have you thought about how Demyx feels? You did something to upset him, maybe you know what it is, maybe you don't, but it seems like he needs an escape. Demyx needs to be away from you it seems, he needs time to reinvent his life because it's been based around you for so long." Roxas explained.

Holy hell, Roxas is beautiful and smart, it made so much sense. "So, I need to let him go?"

"Yeah, and you'll either find out you two weren't meant to be, or he'll realize he made a mistake and come back to you."

"I nodded; kind of hoping Demyx would realize that we didn't belong together, "Thank you Roxas."

"Anytime Axel, I hope everything works out for you." Roxas said before leaving. He was right, I wanted Demyx to stay to relieve my guilt, I wasn't thinking about how he felt. And right now Demyx's feeling were more important than mine. I need to learn how to think about other's emotions. Speaking of which, I hadn't been thinking of Zexion either. What happened to him?

oOo

The fist I had been expecting never came. Instead I heard the door open, and then slammed closed. Hesitantly I peeked my watery eyes over my knees; I was alone. With a careful eye on the door, and ear listening for any threats, I unwrapped myself, gathered my cases and duffel bag and ran out the door and straight into Zexion, sending us both, and all of my belongings, crashing to the floor.

"Sorry Zexion." I apologized as I rolled off of the blue haired man, whom I had landed on top of.

"It's alright Demyx. Where are you going?" He asked while looking at all of my bags. However, as soon as his eyes met mine his demeanor changed. He became protective and worried in a way only Axel had ever acted around me. "What happened?" Zexion sat up and crawled closer to me. I violently cringed when I saw his hand move towards my face. "Demyx, Dem, its okay. What happened?" He spoke in a reassuring voice as his fingers slid into my hair. When the other hand joined his fingers he began to gently fix my hair, which was no doubt a complete mess. The light, tender, gesture had tears falling from my already watery eyes and Zexion pulled me into his chest, gently rubbing my back, whispering into my ear that it would be okay. "Dem, what happened?"

"I just want to go Zexion. I have to leave, I can't' stay. But Axel wouldn't let me. And now he's gone and I have to leave."

"Wait, wait, Axel did this to you?"

"What?"

"Dem, your lip is bleeding and there's blood in your hair."

"Oh, um no, my teeth probably did that when my head hit the wall, not Axel."

"Let me rephrase, why did your head hit the wall?"

"Gravity?"

"Good Lord Demyx, just answer me straight. Did Axel, somehow, make you fall into the wall?"

"W-why would he do that?" I asked, trying to avoid telling him the truth.

"I can't believe it! He did didn't he?" Zexion fumed, pulling me closer to him. "That bastard, I'll kill him."

"N-no, wait Zexion, it was my fault, d-don't blame him."

"Demyx, nothing you could've done would deserve this behavior. Axel is at fault here."

"I just want to go Zexion." I cried into his chest.

"Where?"

"I'm gonna go home."

"Aren't you fighting with your parents?"

"I can't stay here; everything reminds me of him Zexion. At home I can lock myself in my room."

"You can't quit school because of Axel. You want to be a composer Dem, remember, you have dreams. Axel doesn't make you a great musician, you and your talent makes you a great musician. How about this Dem, you take my room, and I'll share your room with Axel. The only memories you have in my room are of us playing music. Is that good?" Zexion proposed.

"I d-don't want to be alone, what if Axel comes searching for me? And, and, and then he'll..." I shivered at the thoughts, "I don't want to be alone."

"Okay, what if I stay with you in my room. I'll keep Axel away."

"O-okay."

oOo

"O-okay." Demyx murmured his agreement into my chest, and I continued to gently run my fingers down his spine, attempting to comfort him to the best of my abilities. I couldn't believe it, we almost lost Demyx today and less than a half an hour after he returns he's crying and bleeding in my arms because of Axel. He cringed away from my touch because of Axel. He was radiating emotional and physical pain because of Axel. And because I love him, I felt everything he felt.

I wished I could make it better. I wanted nothing more than to make Demyx happy, to take all of these hurts from him. When he looks in the mirror I want him to see what I see in him. I never want him to cry because his heart is broken; I never want him to cry period. I never want to see his beautiful hand writing in a suicide not again. I never want him to be left broken and bleeding on the floor again. I want to bring out the happy smiling Demyx I knew existed.

"Come on Dems, let's get you to my dorm." I announced as I helped him to his feet. Then I bent down and grabbed the water bottle I had dropped in the fall, wetted my hands, and brought a finger to his full and gorgeous lips. Gently, I rubbed the blood away from his mouth, wiping the crimson substance on my hoodie.

When I finished cleaning his lips I looked up, since he was about four inches taller than me, and into his eyes. I then realized he'd been staring, unmoving, at me the entire time. To be honest, he looked quite shocked about my actions. Keeping my hands to myself when we were sharing a room was gonna be a bitch. "S-sorry Dem, I was just getting rid of some of the blood." He nodded slowly and bent down to pick some of his stuff up.

I quickly grabbed his duffel and cello, before leading him towards my dorm, which was on the opposite side of the building and the top floor because I had a single room. We remained silent for the elevator ride and for most of the walk down my hallway before Demyx spoke, "He said that what we had wasn't real, he said it didn't exist. I felt real to me Zexion, why would he say that we weren't real?"

"Well Demyx, Axel is apparently, a bastard…"

"Zexion don't, Axel is amazing in every way, which means he's right…I thought I meant something to him. But I don't. I don't mean anything to anyone." Demyx interrupted me as we reached my door and I unlocked it.

"You mean something to me. You mean quite a bit to me Demyx." I said to the door, but loud enough for him to hear.

"Don't." Demyx cried, "Don't lie to me, it's not gonna make me feel better. I can't take them anymore, they hurt, and I want nothing more to do with them."

"Dems, I'm not lying. You really do m-…"

"Stop it!" I looked up to see tears falling down Demyx's face, and my heart broke for him. It broke seeing all the damage Axel had done. It didn't even matter that I was hurt by his words, what mattered to me was how hurt he was.

oOo

"Dems, I'm not lying. You really do m-…" No, no, no, no, no. I can't hear it again. I can't hear those words again. Those sweet words once uttered to express something beautiful had become poison to me. I wouldn't be able to live through anymore lies.

"Stop it!" I demanded as tears poured down my face. Zeixon looked slightly hurt by my words, but mostly he seemed concerned. Why would he care?

"Dems." He used his nickname for me sadly, then lifted his hand to my face and I flinched away with a fearful squeak. I knew it was Zexion, it wasn't Axel, and neither of them would hurt me, but after feeling what a hand could do…Once again I fell to the floor and covered my face for protection.

oOo

I wanted to cry, no I wanted to kill. How could Axel do this to Demyx? And so quickly. I know Axel has never hit Demyx before. He despised how his father had treated him. Though I don't know the details of that treatment, I knew it was bad on the rare occasion that it happened. And I knew Axel refused to be like his father. So I know that this is the first time he's ever abused Demyx, but I wanted to smother him in his sleep.

For Demyx to be so scared, so petrified after going into that room with Axel, I want to strangle my best friend. He'd gone too far, he'd hurt the man I love, and I don't know if I can forgive him for that, for everything that's happened today.

Taking a different approach, I moved all of Demyx's things into my room while he continued to protect himself in front of my door. When I had all of his knick knacks sitting out next to mine, his cases next to mine, and his clothes in the drawers next to mine, I walked back into the hallway. He was no longer hiding behind his hands, but he was still trembling and his eyes were darting around cautiously.

Careful to keep my hands at my sides, I lowered myself in front of him, and sat. Slowly, and delicately, I slid my hand across the floor to cover Demyx's. "Are you ready?"

oOo

"Are you ready?" Zexion's voice was so soft, so gentle, so different from Axel's yelling. His hand on top of mine was so comforting, it made me feel safe. I nodded and Zexion stood, without dropping my hand, and helped me up. He kept a constant, light hold on my hand as he walked me into his room.

As we entered it all I saw was his familiar blue walls, blue furniture, blue everything. Cerulean, cobalt, indigo, navy, royal, sapphire, so many shades of my favorite color. Of course I've seen his room before, but having just escaped Axel's hellish red room, it felt all that more comforting to be submersed in the comforting hues of blue. Then my eyes landed on a shelf where _my_ guitar figurines sat. The ones I kept in the closet, hidden from view, in Axel's room. The figurines my sister had made me were mixed with Zexion's items. As I looked around the room, I found even more of my limited belongings, scattered throughout. Zexion had made room for me. Tears were filling my eyes again, and I swear I'd never cried as much as I have in this one day, as I have in my entire life. "You, you put my stuff up." I tried to hold my composure as I turned to my friend.

He gave me a sad smile before simply stating, "It's your room too, Dems."

**AN: "…for I would never be joyful again, nor would joy be of any benefit to me without you; I would set out on such a road that no one would ever see me again; on that day would I die, worthy lady, that I lost you."** **Quote is from "The First of May" by Raimbaut de Vaqueiras.**

**I know everyone had their ideas of what would happen after "Who?" and I don't think this was anywhere near what everyone was thinking. But, I believe, for me, this was the right path to take in this story, it gives me more to work with. If everyone is happy, there is no story.**

**And Axel's abused past will not be a big part of this story, I did that with "Other Side" I'm not planning on it for this story. I don't know what it is about Axel, but that guy just can't escape my evil author's pen. **

**Dems, is not a typo. Zexion will be calling Demyx that. I couldn't very well have him calling him Demy, could I? So I'm using Dems, with an 's'.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.**


	4. Hurt Me

Warning: There is a lot of Axel in this chapter. Sorry, that's just how it worked out. There'll probably be more Demyx in chapter five.

**Chapter Four: Hurt Me**

"It's your room too Dems." I had no idea how much Axel had mistreated him, but It was becoming more and more apparent. I was beginning to see just how much Axel thought of himself and ignored others. He had the potential to be a good caring man; he just needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. Suddenly, while lost in my thoughts, Demyx's arms were wrapped so tightly around me that I thought my eyes balls would pop out, and I loved it. I loved every bit of trust he was giving me in this small action, ever bit of his warm, still trembling body against mine, his warm breath on my neck, his soft hair tickling my face, I ate it all up.

"Thank you Zexy." He murmured into my neck. Then he pulled away, grabbing his head with both hands and I could see a pained expression on his beautiful face. I was immediately flooded with concern for Demyx, and somehow refrained from touching him.

"Dems, what's wrong?"

"My head hurts." He cried and plopped, face first into my over pillowed bed. I allowed myself a brief smile at the thought of his scent being all over my bed before walking over to him. Demyx remained lying, unmoving on my bed, and I carefully took a seat next to his almost fragile, trembling form. When I gently placed my hand in his dirty blond hair my poor mistreated love jumped in fright and began to move away from my hand. I frowned with my hand frozen in place, and looked away attempting to stop the tears forming in my eyes for Demyx. No one should have to be this frightened. All of a sudden I felt that silky head of hair in my hand again. He'd come back. Demyx had moved back towards me and was allowing me to touch him. A single tear fell down my cheek as I began to massage his head, combing my fingers through his soft hair, doing all I could to comfort him.

"Demyx, why don't you get some sleep?" I said, threading another set of fingers through his air.

"Mmmhm…I think I'll do that." Demyx mumbled into my sheets. I stood up pulling my hands from his hair and smiling when he gave a whine of protest. But that was all he was able to do. Demyx was too tired to do anything about the loss of my hands on his scalp. I don't even think he can move his body he was so exhausted and I didn't blame him. It's been a long and rough day for him starting with a suicide note, then whatever happened when he left, coming back, having his boyfriend beat him, all of the crying, so much crying. He really just needed some well deserved peace, quiet, and rest. And I was going to make sure he got it.

I ran my fingers through his soft hair once more before ducking down and beginning to untie his black converse. When I had both shoes loosened I pulled each off and threw them by my door next to mine. Then I pulled his socks off and walked them to the hamper in my private bathroom. As I walked back to the bed I saw Demyx staring at me with a confused expression on his face. "Why're you bein' so nice, Zexy?"

"Why not be nice?" I asked softly and tilted my head in confusion. Was it really that unbelievable that someone could want to show him kindness? With a small sigh, I helped Demyx drag himself further up my bed. While he got himself comfortably curled up in my many pillows I pulled my blanket over him and then sat down in the reading chair next to my bed. I couldn't resist reaching my hand out to brush the hair away from his face when I saw him tucked away in my bed, but he flinched away from my touch and hid beneath the covers as soon as he saw my hand coming towards him.

"I'm sorry Zexy." He murmured, still under the blanket. That name wasn't quite as annoying as I thought it was when it was coming from Demyx's lips.

"Don't worry Dems." I spoke softly and delicately picked up the hand that Demyx had poking out from beneath the blanket, "Get some sleep Dems, I'll be right back." As soon as the words were out of my mouth Demyx's head shot out from under the blanket and both his hands grabbed my arm nearly pulling my on top of him. "Demyx!" I exclaimed just as a caught myself from toppling on to the blond.

"I don't want to be alone!" He said with fear taking over his eyes. It pained me to see him so scared.

"Demyx, I will be here when you wake up."

"But what about Axel?"

"Axel won't be a problem, I promise you that." I said seriously, "Have I ever lied to you before?" Demyx stayed quiet and looked away from me, no doubt thinking about the fiasco in the doorway and the confession I almost made to him. "Axel won't be a problem, and you won't even know I'm gone, Dems. Get some sleep." I finished reassuringly and gently rubbed circles on Demyx's palm while leaning on the bed until sleep finally overcame him. I then quietly left my room in search of Axel.

oOo

After Roxas left I made my way to the sink to wash my hands and wet my face. Then I stared into the mirror, hating the way my reflection was judging me. Sure I look like Mom, but I have his eyes, and I am him. I am my father. I thought I could escape it, I thought I could be different, but I can't. I am him in every way and no mask could hide that. Not even a mask perfected to the extent of mine could hide that fact.

Sighing, I pushed myself away from the sink and walked out of the bathroom, slowly making my way towards my dorm, scared of what I might find. As I carefully opened the door I hesitantly peered into the room and was relieved to find that Demyx had escaped me. Good, he was safe from me now, maybe Zexy found him and kissed him all better.

My heart stopped as I walked further into the room. There was a dent in the wall I shoved Demyx into. I ambled towards it in a daze and then fell to my knees in front of it. I then placed my trembling fingers against it tracing a spot of Demyx's blood. There wasn't much, but that wasn't the point. I made him bleed. I shed that blood and made the man I love bleed, because _I_ was concerned about _my_ feelings, and _my_ guilt. I leaned my head against the wall and let my tears silently fall.

I shouldn't be allowed to cry, I shouldn't be allowed that bittersweet relief that my father taught me was taboo. I should only be allowed pain and misery. Why should I be given, even this tiny bit of relief that comes with tears when Demyx was suffering by my hand? I should be in pain, I wanted to be in agony right now. I wanted the pain that I deserved to be given. I shouldn't be free of the hurt Demyx was feeling, I should have it worse, because he didn't deserve it, any of it.

My wishes were soon answered when my door slammed open and a hand was almost immediately ripping my hair out and a fist landed hard and painfully in my face. I felt blood trickle from my nose and down my ace as my watery eyes found Zexion's eyes. Even in the tear filled haze, I could see the menacing look on his face. Then it fell into concern. Damn you Zexion, why do you have to care, why can't you just hit me again.

"Axel, are you crying?" Zexion let go of my hair. "It was my left hand; it couldn't have hurt too badly." That was all I could handle. Still kneeling on the ground, I wrapped my arms about Zexion and cried into my best friend's stomach.

oOo

I had no idea what to do. I stormed into the room, planning on hurting Axel, and now he was clinging to my stomach for dear life, crying. Axel does not cry. Axel was always happy. He was so happy that I had, on more than one occasion, thought he might be covering something, some deeper emotion, like me. But now he was crying into my stomach. He was seeking comfort from me, his best friend.

I was torn between wanting to slam his head in the wall for hurting Demyx, and fulfilling my duties as a friend and being there for him. My morals ended up winning over my emotions and I played my part as a friend. I replaced my hand in his hair, this time with a much gentler touch. Then I tried running my fingers through it, like I had for Demyx, but it appeared as though Axel's hair had been through an abundance of abuse, and my fingers were caught in their actions. Using a different method, I kneeled down and wrapped my arms around him in a comforting hug; while the bleeding had stopped he continued to cry into my shoulder. It was heart wrenching to see Axel so…undone.

Then in my ear, I heard Axel's weak voice, "Hurt me. Hurt me Zexion, please." My heart was breaking, for both my friend and the man I was in love with. How was I going to fix this? How could I put the pieces of this shattered life back together? Even if I did manage to glue it back together, it would never be the same. It would forever hold the cracks and holes of this torturous time. But I had to try, they needed me. "Hurt me!" Axel cried into my shoulder, gripping my shirt tightly in both hands.

"No," I stated plainly. "I won't."

"Hurt me!" Came his desperate plea.

"No."

"Goddamnit, just hit me!" Axel gave and anguished cry, "Do something. Hurt me!"

"No."

"Fuck you Zexion!" He yelled as he shoved me to the floor, "You know I deserve it. Just hurt me, make me bleed, make me scream!"

"No." I said again, knowing what would happen next. Wanting what he would do next. I had to show him he didn't have to be like his father. I knew the moment he told me to hurt him that he was afraid he was becoming that man. He had to understand that he wasn't, and I was prepared to take the damage to prove it to him.

Axel was quickly on top of me, straddling my legs and had his hand on the front of my shirt pulling me towards him with his fist raised and swinging. I felt the sting when he connected with the side of my face but ignored it. Axel was much stronger than me and there was very little I could do, so I allowed him to hit me again without protecting myself. I left myself open to him. "Fight back!" He screamed, "Fight back!"

"No." I responded earning a fist in the stomach still stained with his tears.

"Hurt me! I deserve it, please just hurt me!"

"No! You don't deserve it Axel! You've made mistakes, but you hurting will not make Demyx feel better it won't fix anything!" Axel's face was full of rage as his fist came down again. "You are not your father! You don't have to do this!" His fist stopped inches away from my face and I let out a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding, "You don't want to hurt me, you didn't want to hurt Demyx. You made a mistake, but that doesn't make you him. You will never be him, Axel. You are you and you don't have to do this. It was just a mistake; everyone makes them, move past it." I was aware that I was making light of a serious situation, but Axel had to believe that he could come back from this. I had to make him believe it, even if it meant I had to make it seem like a mistake you could merely shrug away. He was my friend, and he would hate himself if he started believing he was his father. I couldn't read another suicide note, one was too much.

Axel's hand released my shirt, allowing me to fall back on the floor. Then he rolled of off me and settled himself next to me looking at his hands like they were the world's deadliest weapons. His body was trembling, the rage was subsiding, and tears were forming again. When I sat up and scooted closer to him he spoke, "But I can't take it back, I can't change the past, I hurt him, Zexion, I made him bleed." I was kind of happy that he realized that this wasn't a small mistake, but it just made it that much harder for me to convince him that he wasn't his father and that he could move past this.

"I know, Axel, I know." I said gently and moved to sit in front of him. "No, you can't change what you did but you can learn from it. Axel, you hurt Demyx and you don't feel better, it didn't help. You're just even more angry, guilty, sad, and ultimately miserable. You don't have to be like him, because you aren't him. If you were him, you would be feeling better, you would've felt a sense of relief after attacking Demyx, but you didn't."

"Zexion, I didn't even think about it. He made me mad and I…grabbed him, I hurt him. He was crying so much, and, and I told him what we had wasn't real, but it was Zexy. What we had was real and I know it. Why did I have to hurt him like that too? It wasn't bad enough that I beat him. I am my father Zexion. Just before he'd beat me, he'd tell me how much he hated me. And that's exactly what I did to Demyx."

"You don't have to be, you can stop yourself. Axel you aren't your father."

"I didn't stop myself."

"Is that true Axel?"

oOo

"Is that true Axel?" Zexion asked, his face still bloody from my actions. The steady trickle of blood from his nose and from the cut in the side of his head was a constant reminder of what I'd done to him and Demyx, what these wretched hands were capable of. The bruises on his face mocked me just like my reflection. They told me what an awful person I am, that I'm a liar, I'm worthless, and that everyone hates me and they have good reason to. I'd beaten my boyfriend and my best friend. I am my father, there is no escaping it.

"Yes it is." I answered solemnly.

"I don't believe that." Zexion insisted and I felt my rage building again.

"Maybe that's because you can't see what I did to your face." I spoke through gritted teeth, looking anywhere other than at Zexion.

"I don't need to see it, I can feel it and it hurts terribly. I really wish you would've come to your senses sooner. The point is, you stopped."

"Because you said something. You spoke up, if you hadn't I wouldn't have stopped. I would've been just like him."

"Two questions Axel." Zexion said holding two fingers up with a smug look, that said I was cornered, on his bruised and bloody face.

"What are they Zexy?"

"When _you_ spoke did you father stop?" A brief smirk showed on Zexion's smug features.

_Damn fucking emo,_ "No, but…"

"Ah, ah, I have one more question."

"You want me to hit you again don't you?"

"You won't, I have nothing to be worried about."

"Shut up, your face proves how worried you should be!"

"Did Demyx speak?" Zexion asked rather loudly for him.

"What?"  
"Demyx said you were gone, and there are no bruises on his face, I assume that you never punched him. So why did you leave, Axel? Did Demyx say anything to you?"

Of course he had. He told me I was hurting him and I'd ignored him. Then I threw him into a wall and got ready to punch him then…I didn't punch him, and he hadn't said anything. I stopped myself, but that means nothing. I still hurt him. "That means nothing."

"It does mean something. It means you do have the ability to stop, you just need to work on timing."

"I'm a horrible person."

"So this is what you've been hiding." Zexion murmured thoughtfully. All my years of perfecting my mask down the drain, he'd seen the real me. "There are two types of people Axel, those who have made mistakes, and those who are going to make mistakes. You've made your mistake, now let's move on and learn from it."

"How can I learn from something I can't control?"

"Axel!" Zexion gave a frustrated huff, before straddling my legs and grabbing my face in his hands, forcing me to look at the mess I'd made of him, "You learned that you _can_ control it."

"I beat the shit out of you."

Zexion pointed a finger in my face, "And you stopped."

"The damage was done."

"The lesson was learned." The asshole shot back.

"I hate you."

"You love me; otherwise you would have punched me again, because I am undoubtedly being quite annoying."

"You are." I said, "How is Demyx?"

"Could this actually be Axel, A-X-E-L, caring about someone other than himself?" Zexion asked dropping his hands from my face but continuing to sit on my legs.

"Shut up Zex, and just tell me how he is." I demanded, scared of what the answer could be.

"He's sleeping, scared, confused, hurt. He's not good and that has been quite obvious all day. If you remember, earlier today he left a suicide note in your room. He flinches away from touches like he's still awaiting the punch you never gave him. He's, he's…I don't know Axel, it's breaking my heart to see him like this."

"And it's my fault." I had done this to Demyx. No, he'd never been a completely happy person, always looking for a good time and fun. But I fucked him up even worse. And by some miracle I was actually more concerned about him than myself right now. I'd been taught to only care for myself, because in the world I grew up in, no one else would care for me. And now, I really didn't give a shit what happened to me as long as Demyx was okay.

"Not completely. To be fair, Demyx did put you on a pedestal. Demyx only saw you as this perfect human being and that, you are not. You are not a god, you are not perfect and it wasn't fair of Demyx to make you that untouchable being. You have faults just like everyone else in this world. The main one being that you have an inability to care about anyone else's feelings, you only care about yourself." I tried to make a comment but Zexion placed a thin finger over my lips, silencing me. I just wanted to tell him that I was the only person who cared about me, but apparently he wanted to finish.

"I'm sure that behavior stems from the fact that you were raised by your father who is anything but nurturing, and he's completely self absorbed. So the only person, who cared about you, was you. But you are wrong in thinking that. Axel your friends Marluxia, Demyx, and I, we care about you. You aren't alone, do you think I would still be here if I didn't give a shit about you. And Axel, you do care. You have the ability to care for others, unlike your father. To feel this miserable you have to care. Axel you are not the only person to blame for this mess. Demyx is at fault for putting you on that impossible pedestal, you are at fault for making everything all about you, and I'm at fault for not noticing that all was not well, because I was too busy pitying myself for my misfortune. Don't take all of the blame Axel, that's a lot for one person to handle, especially when not all of it is yours."

Zexion always had the ability to sound like the smartest most logical person in the world, and as much as I wanted to say he was full of shit, he was unfortunately making a lot of sense. Demyx really had made me seem like this untouchable person in his 'glorified breakup letter' and in reality I'm completely screwed up. I never would have been able to live up to that person he created. I'm just not that perfect. Am I as gorgeous as he says, yeah I am, not to myself, but I do know that everyone else drools over me? But I was never a good boyfriend. I didn't know it at the time but now that I reflect on it, and after reading his letter, I realize that I've always been an asshole. Why did he stay with me? "Why did he stay with me, why did he think I was so perfect?" I asked Zexion.

"Well, Axel, you are very attractive, that was the first thing, according to his note. And then you were the first person to ever show any interest in him. You know his parents weren't exactly supportive of anything he did. There is a reason that he thinks he's unlovable, ugly, fat, and picks himself apart like vultures at a carcass. Axel his parents constantly did that to him. Naminé was their perfect child, and Demyx was the mistake and they let him know that every chance they got. When you asked him out, he didn't feel like such a disgrace. He felt like you were a perfect being, because it was the only way he could understand anyone liking him. If someone liked him, they had to be flawless, because a screwed up disaster of a person could never want a mistake like him while a flawless person would feel comfortable enough to give him a chance. Or at least that's what I think, he felt."

Once again, Zexion was making sense. But his words only made me feel like shit. I'd completely forgotten about Demyx's parents, all I knew was that he didn't get along with them. I hadn't really cared why, and when he told me about them I was more focused on the TV than the words he was saying. I was just happy that I didn't have to meet the parents, anything else really didn't concern me and I drowned it out. I really am the worst sort of person. I should have listened, I could have helped him. I'd also been abused, after all. His parents hadn't hit him, but mental abuse can hurt worse than physical. I should have been there for him. And the worst part is, even though I completely ignored him, he still worshiped me, he still considered me perfect, and he loved me like no one had ever loved me.

Truth be told, that scared me. Waking up with Demyx every day, and knowing he loved me unconditionally. I didn't know what to do with that, no one else had loved me; my father hated me, why did Demyx love me? And why did I love him back? That scared me even more. My loving him meant he could hurt me, just like my father. Demyx held that power over me. He could've twisted that love 'til I was on my knees begging mercy. But all he ever did was tenderly touch, kiss, cuddle, love, he'd always loved and treated the piece of me that he held with him with the most caring hands he possessed. He'd never been cruel, he never said a hurtful word, or raised a hand; he didn't hold that love over my head and use it against me. He was always just grateful to be loved, and be able to return it. And I screwed him. I was the one who ended up tearing him apart, ripping him to pieces; I became the thing I feared he'd be, before he could do it to me. One word summed me up pretty well, monster.

"Axel, the past is the past, its done and can't be changed. Whatever you are thinking, stop." Zexion ordered. Damn him, he knew me so well.

"He was such an amazing boyfriend."

"Yes, yes, I'm sure he was very devoted and loving. Pull yourself out of that place Axel. You can't live in the past. If you're lucky you may get Demyx back, I'm sure he'll forgive you." I could hear the pain in Zexion's voice as the words left his mouth. He was being hopeful for me, but he wanted Demyx for himself, and he deserved him. Zexion was an amazing friend, and I'm sure he'd be an even better boyfriend.

"I don't want him to forgive me Zexion, I want him…I want him to be with you, you deserve him, I don't."

"Axel, every person deserves to have someone to love them. You deserve Demyx just as much as me. And if he still wants you, I'm not stepping in the way, as long as you start treating him right. I swear if you ever raise a hand to him again, it'll be the last thing you do. But if Demyx is happiest with you, that's where I want him to be. I'm…I'm not a happy person, you know that, therefore I find it hard to believe that I will ever be able to make Demyx happy."

"I'm not a happy person either."

"But you make him happy."

I guess this is what Zexion meant about me not caring for others. Zexion's behavior was completely selfless. Zexion was willing to lose the love of his life to me, if it meant that Demyx was happy. He was completely ignoring his own feelings, and putting Demyx in front of himself. I couldn't do that, I'd always come first for me. Not only did Zexion deserve Demyx, Demyx deserved Zexion. I deserved myself and no one else. I need to get Roxas away from me, I don't want him to be hurt, and that's all I'd do to him.

"Will Demyx be okay?" I asked, changing the subject.

"I don't know."

"Will I be okay?" I asked and a distorted smile grew on Zexion's battered face. "What?"

"You asked about Demyx first. That's one step forward." Zexion pulled me into a hug, something he never did. Touching was strictly off limits when it came to Zexion, and yet, here he was hugging me. "Yes Axel, I think you'll be okay."

As I wrapped my arms around Zexion, returning the surprise burst of affection, I heard my door open.

"Should I go find Demyx and we can make this an orgy? What the hell happened to you Zexion!"

"Shut up Marluxia!" Zexion and I scolded at the same time.

"I'm gonna go, call me if you need me." Zexion spoke as he stood up.

"Is Demyx coming back here? Should I go room with Marly?" I asked grabbing Zexion's arm to keep him from leaving.

"No, he's sleeping in my room and he won't be coming back here any time soon."

"Wait, wait, wait! What the hell did I miss?" Marluxia asked from the doorway with confusion written all over his face. "Demyx is sleeping with Zexion and Axel wants to sleep with me, wouldn't you rather sleep with Roxas? And who the hell is Roxas sleeping with that would make you chose me over him, and why…"

"Shut up Marluxia!" Zexion and I, once again, said at the same time. And I closed the door on him, hearing a brief 'rude!' before he stormed off.

"Bye Axel." Zexion waved.

"I'm sorry Zexy." I pointed to my face indicating the spots that Zexion was bruising in, "I'm really sorry I did that."

Zexion smiled, "I know. And I forgive you Axel."

"See ya." I said before he walked out the door. Then I made my way to my bed and collapsed. It had been a rough day.

oOo

I exhaustedly made my way back to my room and silently opened the door. As I suspected, Demyx was still passed out. I walked into my bathroom and cringed when I looked into the mirror. Axel had really done a number on me. Better me than him though; I had to fix it for him. If I had more time I may have thought of a less painful way to do that, but as I told Axel, what done is done. I look like I went to hell and back, but Axel is better for it, and I can honestly say the pain is worth it.

I grabbed a hair tie out of my mirror cabinet and tied my hair back, as much as I could. A few pieces fell in front of my face and some pieces weren't even long enough to attempt to be tied back, but it served its purpose in getting most of the hair out of my face. Unfortunately with my entire face showing I looked even worse. With one hand I started peeling my blood and tear soaked shirt off, and the other hand turned the sink on. When the shirt was successfully pulled off I threw it in the hamper and wetted my fingers under the running water.

After several minutes of scrubbing my face and my lightly muscled front I was free of all traces of blood and left only with a bunch of ugly colors littering my face. I was too tired to go to one of the community bathrooms to take a shower, so I just grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms, quickly stripped off all my clothes and pulled the clean bottoms on. Then I pulled out a few blankets and made a makeshift bed on the floor next to my bed, so I would be able to hear, see, and take care of Demyx easily. I was tempted to steal a pillow from Demyx but he just looked too comfortable, too peaceful to disturb. I couldn't bring myself to disrupt that. Grabbing my stuffed moogle off of my nightstand I curled beneath the blankets on my floor and closed my eyes, allowing sleep to overcome me.

oOo

I flipped over once again in an attempt to get comfortable. I was grateful Zexion had so many pillows on his bed, they'd allowed me a bit of comfort for some time, but they weren't' the same. I was too used to having someone lying next to me. The pillows were cold and lonely compared to having a person next to you. They didn't keep me warm, they didn't give a gentle rhythm to lull me to sleep, they wouldn't hold me tight, or whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I just felt isolated in a sea of pillows.

Finally giving up on my new position within the mountain of pillows I sat up and looked around the dark room until I found the clock. It was 3:06 AM, Zexion should be back. I forced my barely open eyes to search the room again until I found Zexion sleeping in a bundle of blankets on the floor next to the bed with a small bit of moonlight lighting him up. I'd never seen him sleep before, but it was…kind of cute. His features were soft and content, his mouth was relaxed and he was clutching his moogle to his chest, with his chin resting on top of its head. His knee were bent and pulled close to his chest, making him resemble a donut with a moogle sticking out of the hole. It was really, really cute.

Without putting much thought into it, thanks to my sleepy haze, I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders and hopped off the bed. Then I tiptoed across the floor and quietly settled down behind Zexion. I pulled my blanket and my arm over him and his moogle, moving my body to perfectly form to his, and rested my head on his neck. Had I been awake I may have thought about the fact that friends don't get that close, but I was too tired, and it felt too good to move. Apparently Zexion was thinking along the same lines, because his eyes didn't open, he didn't even move, the only hint that told me he was aware of my arrival was a small undistinguishable murmur next to my face.

With my arms around Zexion, my body curled around his, and my face so close to his, I could sleep. I wasn't lonely anymore, I could feel his body heat bleeding into me, feel the steady lift of his chest against my arm, and hear the rhythmic beating of his heart. This is what I had been looking for, this is what I was missing. This was everything I needed, it was perfection.

**AN: I want to point out a very important line in the chapter, you may have already noticed it, and realized what I was trying to portray, but I want to make sure. Axel says, **I need to get Roxas away from me, I don't want him to be hurt, and that's all I'd do to him, **which is a complete contradiction to what he was saying about himself. He's putting Roxas' feelings in front of his own. It's an important line and I just wanted to make sure everyone caught that.**

**Also, I was thinking about two titles for this chapter. It was either going to be "Hurt Me" or "Perfection" I went with "Hurt Me" because the majority of this chapter is about Axel.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.**


	5. If Only I Could Stop Crying

AN: Hmm…well, that title kinda suggests the mood for this chapter doesn't it. I tried to put some happy, and some funny, into this chapter, and somehow, in the end…well you'll see.

Italics = Demyx's flashback/memories

**Chapter Five: If Only I could Stop Crying**

Something felt different. I was on the floor; I remembered that much from last night. And Demyx was in my bed, I remembered that as well. But I don't remember pillows, in fact I distinctly remember forfeiting my comfort to allow Demyx his. So why were there pillows wrapped around me? Warm pillows, pillows with an amazing scent drifting into my nose, a soft texture resting against my unclothed arms, and a steady, rhythmic heart…My eyes flashed open and I was immediately greeted by Demyx's gorgeous aqua eyes. "I like your moogle." He whispered to me and poked my moogle's large pink nose. I looked down at my treasured stuffed animal then back at Demyx, slightly alarmed. No one, not even Axel, knew I slept with a stuffed animal.

I wasn't at all displeased to be in this position, but I was not expecting it, nor did I know what it meant to have Demyx's arms wrapped around me. It was a complete and utter shock, but I never wanted it to end. I had a small fantasy of us getting glued together like this, and then we'd be stuck together forever or at least a few hours. Oh how nice it would be to wake up like this every day. To have Demyx wrapped around me, and open my eyes to see his gorgeous ones watching me, I'd be in heaven. It wouldn't matter where, as long as Demyx was the one next to me.

But how did this happen? I went to bed alone, I know that for sure. Axel didn't knock all the sense out of me, Demyx was definitely on my bed when I went to sleep, and now he was wrapped around me on the floor, looking a bit horror struck at what he just said to me, which I found curious. So I began to respond to the lovely blond next to me but when I opened my mouth I realized I was at a loss for words. "Uh…" I couldn't get another word out when I felt Demyx's long fingers against the tender skin along my cheekbone.

"What happened?" Once again, the love of my life whispered to me. He had dark circles under his eyes, indicating that he had not slept well, his beautiful full lips were curved into a frown, and his eyes were sad, but overall he looked like he was doing better than he was yesterday. Remembering that he had spoken I searched my mind to figure out what it was he had asked me.

"I um…I had to prove a point." I responded.

"Zexion, I think you lost." Demyx said so matter-of-factly that I couldn't control the way my lips started curving into a smile and before I knew it I was bursting with laughter. Real laughter, I wasn't faking it to make myself appear happier than I was. For the first time in years I was genuinely happy and amused by the words uttered from my love's lips. If only he knew what he did to me. If only I could show him I meant every word I'd been trying to say to him.

"I didn't lose Dems." I said as my laughter began to slow.

"Oh, so you won?"

"No." The 'what-the-fuck' look on Demyx's face was priceless and I found myself laughing all over again. What was wrong with me? I don't laugh, I'm not happy, I hate life. But I'm laughing, I'm happy, and I'm truly enjoying this moment in my life, all because of the beautiful creature that is Demyx. I wouldn't change one thing about this man; I love him for all of his amazing qualities and imperfections.

oOo

Ugh…A god awful ray of sunlight was burning into the back of my neck, preventing me from getting anymore sleep. I grudgingly opened my eyes and immediately smiled when they landed on Zexion. The burning on my neck no longer felt horrible, it was actually quite easy to ignore it when I gazed upon Zexion's sleeping form. He'd turned around in his sleep and he and his moogle were now facing me.

His hair had fallen out of its pony tail while he was sleeping, and there were now strands falling down covering most of his profile. That just wouldn't work; I wanted to see his face. I hadn't really gotten a good look at it last night, but he had a beautiful face and I didn't want it hidden. I tentatively stuck a hand out and lightly moved the stubborn hair from hiding him, then sharply inhaled in shock. What had happened to him? And how could someone continue to look so beautiful with so many colors and so much swollenness all over their face? It looked so painful and all I could think about doing was making Zexion feel better. So I did the only thing I knew to do.

I carefully leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Zexion's forehead, mimicking the gesture I saw my mother do to Naminé whenever she was hurt or felt bad. Zexion curled in closer to his adorable moogle when my lips touched his face but other than that, my kiss went unnoticed. It was an act I was never able to perform with Axel, because with Axel, I was always the one who needed to be taken care of. But it felt good to do it for Zexion. It almost felt like with the one small touch, I could take his hurting away. I had often fantasized about a day were my mom would kiss my forehead, like she did Naminé's and all would be right again, just for the fact that she was there for me. I always believed there was a powerful magic in a kiss. It didn't even have to be a romantic kiss. It could be between a mother and daughter, or between to friends and hold just as much strength.

I let out a small sigh as I fell back into the blankets, all the while staring at Zexion's battered face. I had always liked Zexion, he was the only person I knew who loved music as much as me. I'd met him in fifth grade, my first day of band practice. It was another memory that I have memorized as if it happened yesterday.

_I was practically skipping down the middle school hallway, towards the band room. Happiness was flooding out of my every pore that day. My heavy cello case was beating on my back, my shoes were squeaking against the checkered tile floor, and the beautiful yet disastrous sounds of new musicians trying their instruments for the first time was echoing throughout the hallway, making my feet move faster and faster so that I may join them. _

_A few months earlier I had met with the band instructor to pick the instrument I'd be playing and we had decided that that I would play cello. Mr. Highwind was keen on adding another cello player to the three that he already had. I was only too happy to agree with that, it would mean the worst I could do was fourth chair. And today I was excited about meeting my fellow cello enthusiasts._

_With these joyful thoughts in my head I threw open the door to the extravagant music room and allowed the horrendous chaos of out of tune musical notes wash over me. It was heaven. Then through that thunderous sea of practicing musicians, I heard one sweet melody, one perfectly played piece of music. It sounded so out of place in this roomful of incompetent musicians. And naturally, I was immediately attracted to it. Pulled like a moth to a flame, my feet carried me across the floor, through the other students, knocking over several chairs and music stands, all the way over to this unknown musician. When I found him I placed my cello on the floor and watched him, listened to him, felt him, in utter awe of his talent._

_I could immediately tell, as I watched him pour his heart and soul into the bow and through the strings that music was as much his life as it was mine. It was as if I was hypnotized by him as I watched the curtain of blue hair covering half his face sway back and forth with his movements. I saw every bit of concentration, and how he put everything he had into the piece of music he played just by watching him expertly slide his fingers up and down the neck of his instrument and seeing him move his bow with a preciseness I'd never seen before. At some point I had closed my eyes to take in the song and let it completely wash over me. When the song finally ended I kept my eyes shut, letting it reverberate through me for a moment, before opening my eyes. As my eyelids slowly lifted I found the blue haired boy's dark blue eyes on me, "Can I help you?" He asked in a dreamy voice as beautiful as his music._

_I smiled before bending down and picking up my cello. Then I strolled over to him and took the chair next to him, pulling my beloved instrument out of its case, "I just think you have amazing talent and that song was so beautiful, so enchanting and hypnotizing. I couldn't help myself; I just had to listen to you. And the way you're fingers move so perfectly across it…I'm just amazed at how wonderful you are. And I'm sorry if I bothered you, I didn't mean to, but I was surprised to find someone here who actually knows how to play there instrument."_

"_Hmm…I've been playing for years. My name's Zexion." He held his talented hand out to me and I gladly accepted it._

"_My name's Demyx." _

Zexion was my only friend throughout middle school and junior high. And unfortunately the only time I could talk to him was at band practice, or on the rare occasion that he invited me to his house to practice. The reason for this was that Zexion was a year older than me, and we had no classes together. Then I ran into Axel my freshman year, and found out he was one of Zexion's other friends. Eventually they invited me to lunch and I found that Zexion's friends were actually pretty cool, and all of them liked me. Of course, I didn't meet all of them until after I started dating Axel.

Two weeks into my fifth grade year Zexion amazed me further with his kindness. Mr. Highwind, or Cid, as he had allowed me to call him, made me first chair and moved Zexion to second chair. By all rights Zexion should have hated me. He worked nonstop with his music, trying to be the best he could be, and in my second week I replaced him even though he had been with the band a year longer than me. He should've hated me or shunned me like the other two cello players. But instead, he celebrated with me and genuinely congratulated me on my accomplishment. He understood what it meant to become first chair, and how amazing it felt, because he once held that position, and even though I had taken that from him, he was happy for me. He was the only person, other than Cid, who was happy for me.

_I went home that day almost jumping up and down ready to share my news with my family, but it had to wait. The only time we talked about our days was at dinner. So I anxiously watched as the seconds ticked by until finally we were called into the dining room for dinner. I sprinted through the long hallway and slid down the railing of our twisting stairway, jumping off at the end, earning a tsk from my mother, and hurriedly sat down at my place at the table, awaiting my turn to speak. I listened intently to my parents as they told us about their days; it was only polite, right? If I wanted them to listen to me I should listen to them, no matter how boring it was. And finally the time came, it was my turn to speak, "I was made first chair!"_

"_Mmm, that's nice." My father barely acknowledged me. He didn't even give me the courtesy of looking up from his plate of food._

"_Naminé, sweetie, how was your day?" When the words left my mother's mouth, my ten year old heart was crushed. This was one of the most important days of my life, and no one cared about it, no one was proud of me or even happy for me. I suddenly didn't feel like eating. Cursing myself in my head, I berated my every hope that my parents would be excited. What did I actually think would happen? I never did anything right in their eyes, why would today be different. And what real importance was first chair anyway. Being the best cello player in a middle school band was nothing; I should have realized that before I got excited and wasted my parents' valuable time with trivial news._

"_May I be excused?" I asked as my parents started praising Naminé for her 'A' paper._

"_That's a good idea honey; you're starting to gain weight." My mother informed me and I ran away from the table, up the stairs, down the never ending hallway and into one of our bathrooms. I ripped my shirt off and threw it into the hamper. Then I stared at the disgusting flab covering my entire body in the mirror for about half an hour. When I finally gave up on being able to _will_ the fat away, I stepped on the scale. Seventy-two pounds, I'm disgusting. With no desire left to live, I left the bathroom and walked toward my room. I could hear my parents and sister laughing in the living room downstairs and felt tears start to fill my eyes as part of me died. When I reached my bedroom I walked in and locked the door behind me. Then I turned my radio up as loud as possible, face planted into my bed and cried for most of the night. I wouldn't even be surprised if, after sleep had finally demanded my submission, I continued to cry._

I didn't tell anyone, not even Zexion, about how horrible I was feeling about everything. I didn't need to burden anyone with my problems, and I especially didn't want to bring my unhappiness into the one good place in my life. The only place I ever felt happy, the band room. All of my good memories involved the band room and I didn't want to put a stain on that. It allowed me to play my music without someone yelling at me to shut the fuck up, and it brought me Zexion. Music and Zexion were the only joys in my life.

And now, ten years later, I was lying next to him on the floor, with my arms wrapped around his warm body, and he still had the ability to bring some semblance of joy to my miserable life. How did he do that? Why did I always feel so good around him? I feel so comfortable when I am with him, it feels like I can be me and he won't mind. And more importantly, I just realized that the entire time I've been gawking over Zexion's sleeping form, I haven't thought about Axel. How could he make me forget about losing the love of my life? He took that pain away from me, and I like it. It was such a relief to not think about Axel. But is okay for me to _use_ Zexion, just to take my pain away? No, there's no way that could be right. I don't want to be the type of person who would use someone for their own personal gain. That was wrong. And no matter how bad I felt without Zexion, it was better than using him.

Then again, Zexion had invited me to his room, and it seemed like he really wanted to help me. He even tried to say that I meant something to him. As much as I would love for that to be true, I had to think realistically. I don't mean anything to anyone, I never have. He said that because he wanted to make me feel better. It was a lie, just like everything Axel had ever told me were lies. No one ever loved me, Axel didn't, Zexion can't, my parents…I'm not lovable, and I've always known that, nothing has changed, therefore Zexion is lying to me. But it was nice, all the same, that he would try to help me.

Maybe with Zexion's support I could get through school. The first semester was almost halfway over and winter break would be coming up soon. Maybe I can make it. After all, Zexion is the reason that I am here and not a bloody corpse miles away. My mind must have seen him for a reason. There must be a reason that he was the one who pulled me back from the ledge. I'll give it until winter break. If things aren't improving by that time I'm getting friendly with the cliff again.

Suddenly I was pulled from my thoughts and my heart started racing when I noticed a change in Zexion's breathing and his slight wakeful movements. Why did him waking up make my heart flutter like this? The almost giddy feeling I had became even worse when his eyes opened, revealing the most gorgeous dark blue eyes I'd ever seen. Unable to think of anything to say, but wanting to speak, I opened my mouth and whispered, "I like your moogle," And poked its nose. What and idiot! I like your moogle, what is he supposed to think about that?

"Uh…" Zexion tried, but stopped when I reached a hand out to touch his face.

"What happened?" I whispered, as my finger traced his bruised cheekbone.

"I um…I had to prove a point."

Huh…Unless he was trying to prove that he was still absolutely gorgeous with a multicolored, swollen face, I can't imagine how he got his point across. So I responded with the first thing that came to my mind, "Zexion, I think you lost." And almost as soon as the words left my mouth, Zexion was cracking up. It brought a smile to my lips to hear him laugh. It was a beautiful sound, one I'd never heard before. Zexion's laughter was music to my ears, it was better than any selection of Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, or Brahms. It was the greatest sound in the world and I found myself wanting more. I wanted to do anything I could to make this beautiful man next to me laugh more.

When his laughter died down a bit, though not completely, Zexion spoke, "I didn't lose Dems."

"Oh, so you won?"

"No." Zexion smiled.

What the fuck does that mean? Either you lose or you win, what else is there? Second place? Judging from Zexion's new round of laughter, my face must have been contorted in some odd form of confusion. "Zexy…" I whined, "You're confusing me."

"I'm sorry Dem," Zexion placed one hand on my shoulder and used the other to keep his moogle in place. "It's just that technically I didn't win or lose. I proved my point but I took a beating in the process. It wasn't really a win or lose situation."

"Oh. So…Um, what point were you trying to prove?" I asked and Zexion became uneasy. He didn't trust me. Why would he? With everything else wrong with me, one can only assume they can't trust me. And they'd probably be right. Somehow I would screw it up if I were given knowledge that no one else knew. I always made a mess of everything.

"Well, after you fell asleep, I went to have a um…word, with Axel." Zexion began, surprising me out of my thoughts. Was he really going to tell the truth? Were he and Axel talking about me, and what a failure I am, or were they talking about what Axel did to me, and how much I deserved it? "And I wanted to prove to him that he is not his father, which involved sacrificing my face. How bad is it?" Zexion grimaced at the last question.

"You're gorgeous." Shit, sometimes I just don't think before I speak, "Um…Axel did that to you?" I changed the subject quickly.

oOo

"You're gorgeous." Oh my, holy moogles. Did Demyx, Demyx my love, just call me gorgeous? But now he looks like he regrets it. Did he not mean it? Does it mean that I have a chance with him? I needed that; I needed to know that I still had a chance with him. Always watching him with Axel was slowly killing me. The only thing that had kept me alive was knowing that Demyx was happy with Axel. But right now that wasn't true. Demyx most certainly was not happy, and I had nothing left to keep me alive, unless I could make Demyx happy. "I um…Axel did that to you?"

"Yeah, but it was necessary to prove my point." I answered.

"I never met Axel's dad."

"Did he tell you about him?"

"No, that's why I don't really understand the point you're trying to make. I tried though. I would tell him about my parents, hoping he would tell me something about his, but he always seemed to be more interested in the TV. I can understand that though, I'm not very interesting."

"I can't imagine anything or anyone being more interesting than you." I said truthfully, and continued before Demyx could object, "Well, Axel's father was abusive. So naturally, after attacking you, Axel feels like he is becoming that horrible man."

"Axel was abused!" Demyx exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't I know?"

"It's not something he shares with people. The only reason I know about it, is that I happened to witness it once. Two weeks later I convinced him to move out of his father's home. They haven't spoken since."

"He told me the reason he moved was because he needed a change of scenery. We really didn't mean anything, did we?" Demyx said, his voice was filling with sadness that made me want to wrap my arms around him and never let him go. "He never confided anything in me, I never really knew him, we were nothing."

"Dems, Axel didn't mean what he said yesterday. He told me last night that what you two had was most definitely real and he doesn't know why he said it wasn't. He does love you Demyx."

"And did he tell you this before or after he beat the shit out of you?" Demyx now had anger mixed with the sadness in his voice. I idly wondered if that was concern for me or if he'd finally figured out Axel isn't perfect. Either one would be good in my book.

"Um…After, I think. I don't know my head was kind of spinning. Does it really matter?"

"Axel shouldn't have done this to you." I couldn't help but close my eyes when Demyx brushed his knuckles against my cheek. The tenderness of that act almost brought tears to my eyes, but I remained composed. Despite the fact that I was thinking of how nice it would be for Demyx to know how much I loved him, and how much he did for me, without even knowing it, I kept my emotions in check.

When I opened my eyes I fought my urge to grab Demyx and kiss him until he knew what it felt like to be loved, to _really_ be loved for everything he is and not just the idea of him. After struggling with the messages my brain was trying to send through my body, I squeezed my moogle close, as if he were Demyx, and spoke, "He shouldn't have done this to you either; you didn't deserve it, any of it."

I watched as a hurt expression suddenly took over Demyx's face. "Of course I did! I deserved it. I always deserve it. What I don't deserve is you being nice to me!"

"Dems…" I started but Demyx untangled himself from the blanket and stormed away. Before I could get another word out he slammed the door of my bathroom closed and locked it, leavening me stunned on the floor. What the hell did I do?

oOo

"He shouldn't have done this to you either; you didn't deserve it, any of it." Zexion responded. How could he say that! He went to Axel because of _me_, Axel beat the shit out of him because he was still mad at _me_, and somehow Zexion thinks _I_ don't deserve what happened to me? No, I know I deserve it. I deserve nothing more than to be put in my rightful place beneath everyone. I always deserve to be punished because I can't do anything right. My parents knew that I was nothing amazing, Axel had figured it out that I'm worthless and justly punished me because I mistakenly thought I may be someone more than I was. I thought just maybe I was something worth loving, something that might be able to hold a place next to a normal human being, but I was wrong. And Zexion was too smart to not know all of this about me, so he had to be lying to me to make me feel better again. I hate lies.

"Of course I did!" I shot at him, "I deserved it. I always deserve it. What I don't deserve is you being nice to me!" I began struggling with the blanket as if it were Devil's Snare and had latched onto me without any plans of letting me go. Finally my distress must've shown bright enough that the vicious blanket plant thing recoiled and I was able to storm away hearing Zexion say "Dems…" just before I slammed the bathroom door closed.

I immediately sunk to the floor, sliding against the door, and then buried my face in my knees and cried. Why did he have to be so nice to me? I didn't deserve that. And I couldn't do this twice in one lifetime. I had actually felt happy. But from experience, I knew all too well that the happiness wouldn't last. Zexion may seem nice right now, but it was all an act and he would change all in a matter of time. Axel had changed because he finally realized that I'm a worthless pile of crap. Zexion, since he's smart enough to already know the truth of me, will stop lying to me just when I begin to feel better. None of this is real. It's all lies, and that cliff edge is looking real inviting right now.

It would be so much easier, and hurt so much less if Zexion would just stop lying to me, giving me this terrible hope. Telling someone they mean something to you and that they don't deserve cruel treatment would give anyone false hope. And because I was starting to see Zexion differently, in a more than friend way, I almost believed him, but I learned my lesson from Axel. I can't, I just can't, believe anything anyone says to me when it's kind because in truth, there is nothing to compliment about me. And because of that, Zexion could never possibly feel the same way about me.

Besides, I can never let anyone tell me they love me again. I wouldn't live through it, and I needed to stop these feelings I was having for Zexion. He'd never be able to return them. If somehow he did manage to return them, I knew it'd be a lie. Why did everyone have to lie to me, it's bad enough that I know what a nobody I am, but when people tell me I'm wrong, it's just cruel. I'd rather have everyone tell me the truth, as horrible as it is, than tell me lies.

oOo

My heart clenched when the door slammed shut. Somehow I had hurt him, which resulted in my heart breaking. I never wanted to hurt him, it made me want to die knowing that I was the one who caused these fresh tears. I slinked out from under my warm blanket, keeping my moogle tucked under one arm, and walked towards the bathroom trying desperately to hold back my burning tears. I raised a fist to knock on the door separating me from Demyx, but thought better of it. I instead, leaned my back against it, clutched my moogle close to my bare chest, and sunk to the floor, letting my tears fall.

It hurt me so terribly to know that I had hurt Demyx. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but it seemed I was no better than Axel. How could such a small statement of truth, hurl someone so much? Everything had started out so well today. I had been happy, I even laughed, and Demyx seemed to have been doing better.

Then with my simple claim, "You don't deserve it." It was like I'd struck him through the heart with a hot iron. I could understand him being upset to a certain point, but to lock himself away…There had to be more reason for this behavior. And I had to figure it out. I had to help him, I loved him too much to give up on him because he's…confusing. I needed to bury myself deep within that beautiful head of his and figure out what was going through it. If only I could stop crying.

**AN: Okay, I think that is considered a cliff hanger, and unfortunately the next chapter is all Axel and Roxas. So it does gonna be about two weeks before we find out what happens with Zexion and Demyx.**

**I'd like to try to not make a habit of this but once again I'm going to point out something that I feel is important in this chapter. "**I thought just maybe I was something worth loving, something that might be able to hold a place next to a normal human being, but I was wrong.**" Notice that Demyx refers to himself as 'something' and not 'someone'.**

**Also if you guys are looking for more Kingdom hearts fanfiction check out:**

**EvilScotsman's "The Bastion" www .fanfiction .net/s/5414575/1/The_Bastion (remove the spaces)**

**In between writing and typing "Details" I have been editing that wonderful story. The main pairing is Zemyx.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.**


	6. Towels are Evil

AN: If you squint, you just might see a tiny hint of Sora.

Warning: This chapter is all Axel and Roxas

Disclaimer: Don't own Smallville, or Superman, or Romeo & Juliet

**Chapter Six: Towels are Evil**

I felt like a million bucks when I woke up. A million bucks that had been put through the washer, shoved in the dryer, took a ride in a paper shredder, journeyed to the land of garbage, which was then tormented by a tornado, and was now in a billion tiny shreds spread all over mother earth and unable to piece myself together. By some miracle I was able to roll off my bed, then karma went and cracked my head on my night stand, which induced a lovely cursing storm from me. Lucky for me, my hair was a good cushion and, though it hurt like a bitch, I was not bleeding.

After I was able to drag my ass off the floor I walked into the bathroom and realized I looked as good as I felt. As I tried to run my fingers through my hair I let out a whimper, this was going to be impossible to fix without conditioner. My hair, which was usually full of several large red spikes, now resembled an afro. Actually it looked more like I had put it in blender. Giving up on my hopeless hair for the moment, I numbly took care of my bathroom routine, then grabbed a towel, shampoo, conditioner, some clean clothes, and made my way towards the community bathrooms. Most of the dorm rooms didn't have bathrooms in them, but I was one of the lucky few who had a private bathroom. It cost more money, but Demyx and I were able to afford it together. However, none of the private bathrooms had showers so I still had to use the community bathroom for hygiene purposes.

When I walked into the bathroom I immediately saw that I wasn't alone. Roxas was standing in front of the sinks, and the incredibly large mirror, attempting to comb through his messy blond hair. A slight smile lightened my face as I watched him. It was adorable the way his face scrunched up in frustration when his hair didn't do what he wanted it to. Then his eyes flicked to the side and caught mine in the mirror. I immediately looked away, finding interest in a red stain on the white wall. It was like that stain on the wall was telling me I couldn't be happy because of what I did to Demyx. It looked exactly like the mark on the dent in my wall. "Eventually I give up on it." I heard Roxas' voice fill the silence and looked up upon instinct. He placed the comb on the counter and turned to face me with a smirk on his face. Why was he giving me a smirk, I was the one who gave smirks, damn him.

"What?" I asked.

"My hair. I try to fix it but it just doesn't work no matter what I do and eventually I give up." He turned back to the mirror and ran his fingers through his blond spikes then gave an exasperated sigh when they popped right back into place. His cerulean eyes met mine in the mirror and the irritated look on his face disappeared to be replaced by a questioning one, "But it looks good right? Even though it's all out of control, it still looks okay?"

"Yeah, I think it's sexy." I said and immediately wanted to slap myself. I was trying to push him away, not make him think I'm interested in him. You don't tell someone they're sexy when you're trying to keep them away from you. Well, actually, it might work. If he thinks I'm some creepy pervert trying to get in his pants…yeah, that has potential to work out very well. I'll scare the shit out of him and never see him again, that'll be good. So why does the thought of never seeing him again make my heart feel like it's about to fall into a million pieces that could only be put back together by the very boy I pushed away. I was abruptly pulled from my thoughts at Roxas' adorable giggle.

"Sexy is good. I can deal with sexy." He let out one last laugh as he sat on the counter behind him and started kicking his legs. I guess my creepy pervert plan isn't going to work. Karma's a bitch. "So how's the Demyx thing going?"

I sighed before trekking towards the delectable blond sitting on the sink like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies set out on a table begging to be eaten. Then when you try to pick one of those tempting desserts up your fingers are burned, and still you pick it up once more and quickly shove it in your mouth to keep from burning your hand again. Unfortunately now your mouth is burning but you can't spit it out because it just too good. Oh fuck, I hit my head harder than I realized; I'm comparing Roxas to a cookie. When I arrived next to him I placed my clothes and other items on the counter and pulled myself up, sitting down next to him. Then for some oddly fucked up reason I started pouring the truth out to him.

"Well, after you left I went back to my dorm. Then Zexion came over and I proceeded to beat the living shit out of my best friend. When I was done deforming him he informed me that I'm not my father, and that Demyx isn't doing well, and I ended up passing out on my bed then woke up feeling like shit. So over all the Demyx things is flying like a led zeppelin."

"That well, huh?" Roxas commented and lightly kicked my leg with his dangling foot. "I can't believe you beat up Zexion. You were feeling terrible after Demyx, so you decided to add some more guilt to your conscience!"

"He pissed me off!" I insisted louder than I intended while glaring at the blond sitting next to me. Unfortunately, he was glaring at me as well. He must have had some superman powers though; his gaze was burning into me like Clark Kent just caught sight of Lana Lang in the locker room. When I finally looked away from him, taking interest in my naked foot, he spoke.

"How?"

"He wouldn't hurt me." I admitted in a quiet murmur. Roxas was quiet. His legs had even stopped kicking in and out, and I couldn't tell, but it sounded like he wasn't breathing either. Was he mad? Then, without the tiniest bit of warning, I felt Roxas smack the back of my head, right where it had hit my night stand, with enough force to knock me off the counter and onto the floor. "Fuck!" I cursed grabbing my throbbing head while looking up accusingly at Roxas, who was looking anything but innocent.

"Do you feel better?" He asked in a wicked voice as he glared down at me.

"No! My head hurts." I whined, rubbing the back of my head tenderly. God damn, he was small, but that was effing painful.

"Hmm…So do you think maybe there was a reason Zexion refused to hurt you?"

"Well yeah! I figured that out last night, Jesus!"

"And now I've reiterated it for you. Now whenever you want someone to hurt you, you'll remember me, and how being hurt didn't help. See?" Roxas hopped off the counter and held his hand out to me, the same hand he'd used to assault me. I stared at it as if it were about to eat me, which made me realize that Demyx probably saw the same thing when he saw hands now. I'm such a bastard. With a frustrated hug, Roxas bent down and grabbed my arms, pulling me to my feet. "I don't make a habit of hitting people, I won't' hurt you again. I was just making a point."

"Yeah, okay." I said as I leaned against a wall, and murmured "Zexion's point hurt less," all while watching Roxas like he would pounce at any moment. And then he doubled over in laughter and I tilted my head in confusion. What the hell was wrong with him?

"You know I'm like a whole foot shorter than you, right?" Roxas asked when his laughing cooled off.

"Well, it's a little hard to trust you while my head is still throbbing in pain!" I growled, my voice getting louder with each word.

"Oh come on!"

"You may come in a small package but you're scary as hell." I claimed.

"Is that it?"

"Is what it?" I asked confused at the blond's sudden change in demeanor. Rather than being teasing he was now acting very insecure. His voice was light and shaky like he was nervous or upset. Also, he wasn't looking at me anymore; he was looking everywhere but at me. That just wasn't like him. And how the hell did I see all this in Roxas, but not notice how depressed Demyx was?

"Is that why everyone likes Sora more than me? Is that why I don't have any friends?" So, confident Roxas isn't quite so confident. He's got issues just like the rest of us. But I find it extremely annoying when an answer to a question brings up more question than answers. And yet, it took everything in my power not to hold the blond in my arms and try to make his sadness disappear. He did have at least one friend after all, one who was trying to distance himself from him. Now how the hell can I push him away, he needs a friend. Damn karma can't let me just go be miserable alone.

oOo

"You may come in a small package but you're scary as hell." Axel stated.

"Is that it?" Was that the answer I'd been searching for when I transferred colleges? Was that why Sora had friends coming out of every pore while I had none? I guess I could understand that. Sora was a very nice person; he was like, like…I don't know. He's always happy and eager to meet new people and make new friends. I was always moody and fantasized about all the people in the world vanishing. So I suppose that does make me scary, and Axel had seen it. Now I've lost my only friend at the school I'd tried to escape to.

"Is what it?" Axel's voice brought me out of my head.

"Is that why everyone likes Sora more than me? Is that why I don't have any friends?" I asked. My tears for this subject had long since passed. I'd spent many nights destroying myself over it, but years of crying canyons into my face had finally taught me to accept it. And I'd come to this school searching, hoping, for an answer to the question that had tormented me for so many years.

"Um…well, Roxas, I don't know who this Sora is, or why people seem to like him more than you, but I do know that you have friends. You have me, although I don't seem to be a very good friend." Axel said as he made his way back to me. I looked away from his kind gaze but his hands caught my chin and forced me to look at him.

"You've known me less than a day." I whispered.

"True, but in the small time that we've known each other, you've already helped me twice. Remember? The first time you almost ended up on the floor, the second time I ended up on the floor, I practically molested you in a bathroom stall to keep you from cracking your head open, and in return you nearly cracked my head open just moments ago. Now if that's not friendship I don't know what is." Axel smiled one of his gorgeous smiles at me and I found myself returning it. As it turns out, I did still have one friend.

I couldn't help myself, in a very Sora like move, I wrapped my arms around Axel and buried my face in his chest. Then I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks and soak into Axel's shirt. But for once they were happy tears; I had a friend. For the first time in my life, Sora wasn't going to get in the way of me making friends.

oOo

Oh Lord! Roxas wrapped himself around me in a suffocating grip. Unsure of what to do, I placed one of my hands on his shoulder and used the other to pat the top of his head. Truth be told, I loved the feeling of Roxas' body wrapped around mine, and had this happened a day earlier, I may have made a move on him. But for his safety I knew I had to keep Roxas away from me. I couldn't bear to hurt him, and regrettably that's all I'm capable of doing. "Um…Roxas, why don't you come with me to meet Marly, Zexy, and Demy-yx." Roxas raised his head to look me in the eyes. I saw tears and immediately panicked. I'd hurt him and I didn't even know how. What the hell is wrong with me? "Shit, what did I do?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, pulling away from me and wiping his tears.

"You're crying. I did something to hurt you."

"You did do something to me Axel, but not to hurt me. Axel you made me happy."

"That's impossible. I don't make people happy. I hurt them."

"Axel, are we friends?" Roxas asked.

"Of course."

"You've made me happy, case closed. You can do more than hurt people." Had I really managed to make him happy? Even if I did, that only means that it'll hurt him even worse when I finally do hurt him, its unavoidable. "But do you think it's wise to introduce me to your friends?"

"They'll love you." I responded and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the door, completely forgetting that I still hadn't taken a shower. However, when I started to walk, intending to drag him along, I was met with resistance.

"That's not what I meant Axel. I mean with all the drama going on between you and Demyx, do your friend really want a new friend?"

Roxas had a point there, he didn't know exactly what point he'd made, but I did. Demyx made it quite clear in his glorified break up letter that I wasn't hiding my infatuation with Roxas very well. But that wasn't Roxas' fault, and if those bitches don't except him they're assholes and I'll beat the shit out of every single one of them, because Roxas and I are just friends. "I'm sure they'll be fine, come on." I made an attempt to drag Roxas away again, but once more he stopped me.

"Um..Axel, no offense or anything, you're always gorgeous, but today you look kinda…well you see, um, you brought a towel and stuff here, and um…look in the mirror."

After he finally managed to get the words out of his mouth, I looked in the mirror and busted out laughing. When my lungs were finally able to expand, taking in air, I asked the startled looking Roxas, "Was that your polite way of telling me I stink and look like shit?"

"Yeah, kinda." Roxas admitted.

"Okay, shower, then friends." I patted the top of Roxas' head before beginning to strip.

oOo

Axel had a laugh that I thought most people would find obnoxious, but I loved it. It was the first thing that attracted me to him. It was a loud and attention grabbing sound that summed him up pretty well. And it was very much a part of him. Axel without that loud intolerable laughter was like an ice cream cone without ice cream. He'd be incomplete without the unique laugh that would identify him to anyone. And I loved my Axel for everything that completed him. Oh damn! I just said love and claimed him as mine, didn't I?

I meant I love, in the completely platonic way, Demyx's Axel, for everything he is, and that includes his beautifully obnoxious laughter. "Was that your polite way of telling me I stink and look like shit?"

"Yeah, kinda." I admitted. Really, he was still absolutely delicious, and he didn't actually smell bad, he just didn't smell clean. The only reason I'd said anything was because I had a feeling that Axel would've preferred to be a little cleaner before venturing into the world.

"Okay, shower, then friends." Axel said as he patted my head. Then he peeled his shirt off and my mouth was undoubtedly hanging open as I gawked at his well sculpted chest. "I know I'm beautiful, but you're going to start catching flies." Axel commented, throwing his shirt to the floor and I felt my face heat up. "Aww, now it's Roxy's turn to blush." How did I know that comment would come back to bite me in the ass?

"I'm not…uh…" I tried as Axel removed his pants. "You're not gonna completely strip in front of…Oh Lord!" There go the boxers. I turned around, attempting to give Axel some privacy, only to realize that the mirror gave me and excellent view of his naked ass of perfection. And rather than turn away again, I found myself staring into the glass, as if it made me less of a peeping Tom, and watched Axel step into a shower stall and fail to close the curtain all the way.

That small space gave me enough room to see every single naked inch of him. And damn, he was sexy. My eyes seemed to be glued to the droplets of water pouring down his back. I knew it was wrong to watch him like this, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from him. When soap mixed in with the water gently caressing every inch of bare skin making up Axel's back I turned away from the mirror and looked directly at him, silently inching closer to the desirable man in shower.

I mentally slapped myself for my tactless behavior when I heard the shower getting turned off. Quickly I raced to the counter, scooped up Axel's towel, and ran it over to him before he could open the curtain. I shoved the towel through the crack I had previously been spying through, and waited for Axel to take it, while keeping my eyes shut tight. I couldn't handle that sight again. I just might rape him if I see him naked again. "Why thank you Roxas." And why does he have to say my name all sexy and sultry like that. I backed away from the shower until I ran into a wall and finally opened my eyes. I watched Axel as he stepped out, with the towel hanging low on his hips. My only thought was _towels are evil_. "Well?" Axel asked, then held his arms out and spun in a circle, "Sexy?"

I nodded, unable to form any sort of words as I watched a stray drop of water make it's way down Axel's chest and cling to the curve of his 'V' disappearing into the depths of the towel. 'O, that I were a drop upon that man, that I may touch that skin!' I'd be in pure ecstasy to live out such a fantasy as that. Damn, I was seriously fucked up. The first friend I make here and I played peeping Tom on him while he took a shower. And now I'm continuing to stare as he pulls on his clothes. What kind of filth does that?

When Axel finished getting dressed and brushing the knots out of his hair he turned to me, leaving less than a foot of space between us. Had we been that close the entire time? "Ready?" He asked, and when his piercing green eyes met mine I lost all control. My hand darted up; gripping Axel's newly combed hair, I pulled him down to me so that I could crush our lips together. Axel fought me for about two seconds before giving in, and taking over.

His tongue traced my bottom lip, begging for entrance, which I willingly gave. Our tongues battled passionately as our hands explored each other's bodies and our breathing quickened. Before I knew it, I was being lifted up and placed on the counter with Axel standing between my trembling legs and running his hands up and down them, never once breaking our fervent kiss. When I felt a hand find its way into my shirt I gasped into the kiss that was nearly suffocating me, and then it was all gone. Axel pulled away from me and was now all the way across the room with a shocked expression on his face.

oOo

Hearing Roxas' gasp was like a wakeup call to me. What the fuck was I doing?! I was supposed to be pushing him away, not making out with him on a bathroom sink. We were just friends, added to that I just lost Demyx. I untangled all my limbs from Roxas and backed away, as far as possible. I enjoyed that too much. Way too much. He made me feel alive in so many ways Demyx couldn't. And the passion in his kiss was so desirable; I thought I'd die if I could never experience fierceness such as that again. But I wouldn't sacrifice his happiness for my own; I couldn't destroy another human being, not again. What I did to Demyx was detestable and I couldn't bare it if I did that to Roxas as well. "Axel?"

"Roxas, I-I'll destroy you. I'd make you wish you'd never been born and you'll try to off yourself. We can't be more than friends." I said desperately as I clutched at my hair again and slid down the wall. "I can't risk that."

Roxas hopped off the counter and started to walk towards me with a slight hesitancy in his step. When I tried to crawl away he sat down, grabbed my arm with more strength than was necessary, and forced me to remain in my position. "I'm not that fragile. And I don't know what the hell gives you the idea that I would kill myself."

"Demyx…" I choked out, "I'm the reason Demyx tried to kill himself."

"What? When?!" the grip on my arms loosened.

"Yesterday."

"Axel, why didn't you tell me?" Roxas asked quietly and pulled me into a hug. I found the way he gently laced his fingers through my hair and rubbed invisible circles on my back so comforting that I completely relaxed in his arms and closed my eyes, soaking in the feeling. No one had ever held me like this before. My dad didn't believe in affection, unless it was given to a woman, and my mother died a long time ago, Zexion's always been an emotionless statue, last night was the first time I ever thought he may not be a robot, and Demyx always needed me, so no one had ever given me any sort of comfort like Roxas was doing now. But it felt so good; like this was something I'd been missing my entire life. It felt like this was something no person should live without. "We can just be friends Axel. I'm sorry about my behavior. I don't know what made me act like that. But Axel, Demyx had much deeper issues. No matter what you did or didn't do, for Demyx to want to kill himself over it, he's pretty messed up. It's not your fault. What makes you think it was you?"

"His suicide note." I replied softly against his shoulder. "He said he saw the way I looked at you, and that me and him…He said without me he had nothing left to live for."

"Axel, that was incredibly cruel of him to do. To put all that guilt on you…Axe." Roxas held me tighter and I let him comfort me. That's what friends are for, right? It was okay to allow him to touch me, if it was only to make me feel better, right? Eventually we did stand up and I grabbed his hand, "Just friends?" I asked.

"Just friends." He agreed and I led him towards my dorm room.

oOo

Axel's dorm was very red, and much like his laugh, very intense and attention seeking, very him, and I loved it. I also loved that he'd forgiven me for molesting him in the bathroom. I really had no idea what had come over me, and even though it was the best few minute of my life, I regretted it. Axel had just broken up with his boyfriend, who blamed him for his wanting to die, how awful. I hated myself for doing that to Axel. I was the one who had said we were just going to be friends. I was the one who didn't want to get in the way of him and Demyx. I was the one who kissed him. And I was the one who just realized, I want to be more than his friend. I am an ass.

"If you want you can leave your things in here so we don't have to go to your dorm too." Axel suggested and I nodded, before placing my bathroom supplies on his incredibly messy desk, while he threw his clothes in a rather large dirty clothes pile, and my heart sunk. I even loved his mess. Why, why am I doing this to myself? I can't have him, I shouldn't be falling in love with him, and yet here I was, falling deeper and deeper the more I learned about him. Maybe it'd be best if I pushed him away from me. But he needs a friend right now; I can't abandon him while he's falling apart. "So who's Sora?"

"What?" Why was he asking about _him_? "Why, w-why does it m-matter?"

"Well, it doesn't matter. I was just curious, you know, because you mentioned him." I thought that over for a minute as I leaned against Axel's desk and decided, as long as Sora isn't going to this college, it wouldn't hurt. Axel had told me a lot about himself in the short time I'd know him, and I felt comfortable enough to tell him almost anything about me.

"He's my brother, um…twin."

"Twin? So are you really close with him?" Axel asked, sounding genuinely interested in my life. I idly wondered if he was this interested in Demyx too. What if Demyx decided that breaking up with Axel was wrong? What if they get back together? I suppose Axel might be happy if that happened. I'll just have to pretend to be excited for him.

"When we were younger, but not anymore."

"Why is that?"

"He's popular, and I'm a geek. The two crowds don't mix. Sora is friends with everyone, and I'm friends with no one. Sora plays sports, I run as far away from the jocks as possible. Sora has a girlfriend, I don't. Actually, I don't really care for girls, so Sora is the apple of my parents' eyes, and I'm the black sheep."

"So, that's why you transferred schools, isn't it, to escape your previous life?"

"Yeah. I was a nobody, and when Sora's around, that's all I can be."

"I highly doubt that. You are extraordinary in my eyes and I can't imagine anyone outshining you." Huh? Axel could be quite confusing at times. He says he wants to be friends, but that sounds like something more than a friend would say. Maybe he's just confused because he's still upset over Demyx.

"Thanks Axel, but no one notices me when Sora is around, and I doubt you'd be immune to it."

"If you say so Roxy. But Sora isn't here, so no worries. And you got friends here, at least you have me." Axel tried to cheer up the depressing mood that had fallen over us.

"Axel I don't think you're friends are going to like me."

"Of course they will."

"You said Demyx wrote that he saw the way you looked at me, and that's why he, you know…they'll blame me."

"Don't worry Roxy, Zexion and I are the only ones who read it. And Zexion won't blame you; he doesn't even completely blame me."

"And Demyx?"

"…Um, Demyx…is friendly." I glared at Axel, "Come on, you want to make friends, I have plenty. They'll all be in the cafeteria right now, let's go introduce you." Axel said as he grabbed my wrist.

"Axel I really don't think this is a good idea." I insisted as he pulled me through his door and down the hall.

"Nonsense. My ideas are never faulty." I had a very bad feeling about this. And my feelings are always right.

**AN: Don't get too caught up in the, Sora has a girlfriend thing. It was decided while I was typing this that they will both be in the story, but just trust me with this and don't get mad yet.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts. Every one of them is greatly appreciated.**


	7. Perfect Fit

AN: Guess what, it's all Zexion/Demyx, and for some odd reason, more showers. I'm hoping this chapter will be liked more than the last. Enjoy the extra long Zemyx chapter.

**Chapter Seven: Perfect Fit**

Even after my tears had dried up I continued to lean against the bathroom door listening to Demyx's quiet sobbing on the other side. I had to fix what I'd done, but I didn't know how, which was quite disturbing for me. I knew how to do everything, I never struggled, and people always came to me for answers, but I didn't have an answer for myself. Hugging my moogle closer to me I buried my face in its soft fluff, and started to put myself in Demyx's place to better understand what I had done to upset him so greatly.

Okay, if I were Demyx, I spent most of yesterday contemplating my premature death, because I felt like I was drowning, in a very lengthy suicide note. In said note I describe myself as a nobody, as useless and someone not worth loving, among many other put downs. All of these horrible opinions about myself were very likely running through my mind as I disappeared yesterday to kill myself, but something happened. Something changed my mind, because I came back to school, at which point I found Axel and Zexion in the hallway. Though that didn't faze me much, the only thought in my head was that I had to escape. It didn't matter where; I just needed to get out.

So I get into my room and pack, but my boyfriend won't let me go. I'm obviously frightened when his temper rises because he's never acted this way before, but at the same time, I believe I deserve this treatment, because I see myself as a worthless piece of filth. But why do I feel this way about myself. It couldn't only be Axel, he wasn't that horrible. There has to be more behind Demyx's insecurities. If only I could figure out why he's like this. I let out a frustrated sigh. Why, why, why? I just want to help him. Even if I knew I'd never be able to hold him as a lover, I wanted to help him as a friend, as someone who truly cared for him.

So what assumption can I make from Demyx thinking he's worthless and me saying he doesn't deserve this treatment? Well he doesn't believe me, that much is obvious. Ugh…of course, it was that simple. Demyx thought I was lying to him and ever since Axel said those awful words to him, he's hurt ten times worse by every lie. I hurt him by telling him the truth, because Axel inadvertently taught Demyx that all good things are lies.

I threw my head back in frustration, slamming it into the door. After hissing in pain, I rubbed the throbbing lump, maneuvered myself onto my knees, and turned to face the door. I took my hand out of my hair, abandoning my attempt to sooth the dull ache in the back of my head, lifted it, and lightly tapped the detestable object separating me from Demyx. "Dems, can you please open the door?" I said. When I received no response I sighed and once again, leaned my back against the door.

I wish I knew how to make him believe me. It hurt so much to hurt him, and that's all I could ever do to him. I couldn't possibly say anything bad about him, so everything I say to him will hurt him, because of the way he thinks about himself. I guess I'd just have to teach him how wonderful he is. Once I get him aware of that fact, nothing I say will hurt him anymore. After several minutes lost in my thoughts, I heard a click from behind me, and slowly the door was cracked open.

"No more lies." Demyx insisted, with one eye peering through the small opening.

I nodded, "No more lies." Then my backrest was completely taken away when the door was pulled wide open. As soon as I was revealed to him, Demyx threw himself into my arms and cried. Not just cried, but completely balled, he let everything out. I pulled him in close to me, mashing my moogle between us. Once again I found one of my hands lightly rubbing Demyx's back and the other combing itself through his fluffy, and thanks to Axel, slightly tangled hair. We stayed like this for at least an hour, probably more. I wanted to give Demyx any comfort I could, and right now he needed a shoulder, and mine was the perfect fit.

"Where does it say that life has to hurt?" Demyx cried into my shoulder, "Why does my life hurt so much?"

"Demyx, no one says life is fair either." I said as thoughts of my mother filled my head.

"It feels like I'm the only one suffering. I feel so alone. I feel like Eleanor Rigby. And I feel like I deserve to die alone, just like her. I'm not happy, and that's a burden to everyone, so why should they have to deal with my pathetic life and death?"

"Demyx," I grabbed both sides of his face, frightening him, but he could deal with it. He'll find out soon enough that I'm not trying to hurt him; I just want to see his eyes. "You. Are. Not. A. Burden. And you aren't' the only one hurting Demyx, I understand what you're talking about completely. I think the same thing every day. But you're not alone, I'm not alone, we have each other, and neither of us deserves to die alone. Dems, my mom has always told me that one cannot know happiness without having suffered."

"But Zexion, what if the suffering never ends for some of us? What if some of us are meant to live the life of Eleanor Rigby? Picking up rice in a church, after the non-Eleanor people have just celebrated, and looking out our windows watching the normal people living their happy little lives while we need to keep a face by the door to hide our true selves from everyone. What if that suffering doesn't end for some people?"

"It has to end…" If the suffering didn't end…My mom didn't deserve this, she had to have a happy ending after suffering so much. What is the point of being alive, of existing if all you ever do is suffer? It has to end, it just has to.

"You don't sound very confident." Demyx murmured.

"But I'm hopeful."

"Hope leads to disappointment." I dropped Demyx's face and pulled him into a hug to keep him from seeing my silent tears. Inside my chest, my heart was writhing in pain. It knew exactly what Demyx was feeling. I pretended to hope things would get better, but in truth, I too felt I'd die alone. I wanted to believe things could get better, because that would mean my mother's suffering may end. But in all honesty I was preparing myself, if it were even possible, for what I knew was coming. "Zexion, did you read my suicide note?"

"Yes." I said quietly, willing my tears away. Demyx squeezed me tighter and buried himself into my chest, making it difficult, but not impossible, to hear him.

"I feel like I'm drowning again, like the sea is pulling me down." Demyx wept. "Zexy, I'm just so tired, I don't feel like holding myself up anymore. I just want to give in."

"I'm here Dems, when you're tired, I will hold you, when you feel like giving up, I will strengthen you, Demyx, I am here. I'm your life raft keeping our head above water. Should you ever fall the arms that catch you will be mine. These hands," I indicated my hands by griping Demyx tighter, "Will be the hands that remove that greedy sea from your body. This man, Demyx, I will bring you to shore, where the sea can never touch you again." It would be my only goal in life, to keep Demyx above that treacherous sea and bring him to safety.

oOo

"This man, Demyx, I will bring you to shore, where the sea can never touch you again." Zexion declared next to my ear and I wanted to cry. Could it actually be that Zexion wasn't lying when he said such touching things to me? Did he really care about me, enough to save me? He went out of his way to play along with my metaphor. And he must understand what I meant by it, he knew what I meant about Eleanor Rigby. Does that mean he understands me?

"Can you really do that Zexy?" I asked, hoping he could. I didn't want to be drowning anymore. I wanted to wake and be happy, rather than wake up afraid of what horrendous thing would befall me today. I wanted to be happy, but I didn't know how to be. Was it possible for Zexion to teach me?

"Have I ever failed at anything?" Zexion responded, and then added, "Other than becoming second chair. Although, I don't see that as a failure, the seat was rightfully yours."

I couldn't help it, and I didn't know why, but I found Zexion's words amusing. I buried my face back into his chest, attempting to muffle my loud laughter. Maybe I was going insane; a few too many screws must have come loose. I just couldn't stop laughing, and it seemed as though I was crying as well. What the hell is wrong with me, who cries sad tears while they're laughing? How did my life get so fucked up? Where did I go wrong? Before long my hysterical laughter died away, leaving me with just my tears and I was gripping Zexion way too tight. I think I was holding him harder than Axel had gripped my shoulder last night.

When my tears finally slowed down I realized that I had been crying for most o the morning on Zexion. Why would anyone want to do that for me? He was being so patient, so comforting to me, without any personal gain for himself. He was just being nice. He allowed me to keep my head buried in his chest, while he rested his cheek on the top of my head gently humming, and traced lines down my back, sending tingling sensations all the way to my finger tips. It felt so good sitting here in Zexion's arms that I never wanted to leave, but I'm sure I was getting quite annoying. And, what the hell am I thinking. I have no right enjoying being in Zexion's arms when I just broke up with Axel. No wonder Axel hates me. I'm having feeling for someone else not even twenty-four hours after breaking up with the love of my life. I'm not only worthless, I'm a whore. I'm disgusting. I'm grotesque and filthy, and I'm, I'm…I need a shower. That'll temporarily wash the filth away and allow me time to think.

"I'm going to take a shower." I mumbled and Zexion lifted his head from the top of mine and raised his hand. I jerked away and closed my eyes before I felt his light touch move some hair out of my face and wipe away a few lingering tears.

"I'm coming with." He said softly before grabbing my hands and pulling me to my feet. I still hadn't' opened my eyes. I was too scared that I'd find anger in those beautiful dark blue orbs. There's no way he wouldn't be angry. I'd made him miss his morning class because my life was falling apart. Building up my courage, I finally opened my unwilling eyes and was amazed to find nothing but kindness in those beautiful globes. I smiled, like it was a reflex, and in return Zexion gave me one of his rare smiles. "Let's go Dems."

oOo

I started to become slightly concerned for Demyx's sanity when he started laughing uncontrollably and even more so when that quickly changed into a mixture of laughing and crying, soon followed by irrepressible weeping. His life was completely falling apart, and he doesn't know how to fix it. How had I missed this, how did I not realize how bad things were for him? Why had I never been to his house? Could something there possibly contribute to all of this? I imagine that he's thinking about losing Axel, in his eyes the only man who'd ever loved him, and the fact that he lost his will to live, but there had to be more, more that I couldn't find. There had to be a hurricane tearing apart his head right now.

Eventually, I rested my head on top of his; keeping him close to me and giving him any comfort possible. My hand continually ran up and down his spine, while my chest slowly rose and fell next to his face, every now and then I would hum a piece of music we'd written together, all in an attempt to ease his never ending pain. I watched the clock as my 8:00AM class rolled by and continued to hold Demyx through his melt down. I'd do this all day if he needed me to. Hell, I'd do it my entire life if that's what he required.

Finally, Demyx's crying slowed and his breathing returned to normal, though his head held its place against my chest and his hand continued to cling to me. After a few minutes of silent breathing he mumbled in a barely audible voice, "I'm going to take a shower". I lifted my head from his, mildly missing the feeling of his hair against my cheek, so that he could move. When he finally left my chest and met my eyes I my hand, only to have him flinch away once again. It was so sad to see him do this. While his eyes were closed and he coward away from me I continued my actions and wiped the hair out of his face, then got rid of the few remaining tears.

"I'm coming with." I informed Demyx in a soft voice. Then I lightly grasped his hands and pulled him to his feet, slightly frowning at the fact that his eyes were still shut. I watched him silently as he fought an inner battle before finally opening his beautiful aqua eyes. When a smile spread across Demyx's face, I couldn't help the reflexive smile that came to my face, "Let's go Dems."

After both of us grabbed clean clothes and bathroom necessities, I lead Demyx out of my dorm and into the community bathroom down the long hallway. When I pushed open the door I was relieved to see we'd be the only two here. Although, honestly, if anyone was in here I would've just scared them away, I didn't want Demyx to have to deal people just yet. As I walked to the sinks Demyx made his way to the showers, walking with very slow and hesitant steps. It was like he was unsure of what to do in every aspect of his life. And I knew exactly what that was like, having been through it only a few years ago. Luckily, I'd been able to keep my suffering a secrets, much like Demyx had been able to keep his a secret from me. While I watched Demyx in the mirror I caught sight of my horrendous face. Good God, I looked like shit. I leaned over the sink, bringing myself closer to the mirror, so I could get a better view of my bruises. It's a good thing my hair was made to cover up half of my face, this was horrible.

I whipped around when I heard a whimper come from behind me. My eyes immediately landed on Demyx's shirtless body; however I had no time to ogle the utter perfection of his well defined muscles, before my eyes landed on his hand which was clutching his shoulder. Abandoning my place at the sink I began to walk towards Demyx, who was now removing his hand. Anger filled my entire being when four bruises were revealed on my love's shoulder.

As soon as I was within reaching distance my arms were wrapped around him in a tight embrace. It took every ounce of my strength not to kiss each bruise, especially with my lips in such close proximity of them. As it was, my hands were already covering his naked back.

How could Axel do this to him? I could never even imagine harming Demyx in any way, but Axel had left marks, _his_ fingers had bruised _my_ Demyx. I mean Demyx, he bruised Demyx, not my Demyx, Demyx isn't mine, despite my desires. I could almost kill him for this, if I didn't know he was suffering as well. "What did I do Zexy, what did I do to deserve this life?"

"Nothing Dems." I answered as Demyx rested his head on my shoulder, "Demyx you deserve so much more, so much better." And then, almost like magnets I couldn't control, my lips lightly brushed across each bruise, attempting to heal the tender marks.

oOo

I placed my towel, clothes, and other belongings on a bench at glanced at Zexion. He was examining the damage done to his face. When I was sure I was in no danger of Zexion seeing my disgusting fat, I began to peel my shirt off. However while I was pulling it off of my left shoulder I felt a dull pain burst through my shoulder and let out a small whimper. I dropped the shirt to the floor and my hand covered the area that was emitting the awful ache. After recovering from the shock of it, I hesitantly began to lift my hand, one finger at a time, so I could peek at the four round bruises on my shoulder. Axel's hand was imprinted on me in the exact place he had grabbed me yesterday. If I had anymore tears to cry I would've. This will be a constant reminder, for the next week, of what happened between us.

Then unexpectedly, I felt Zexion tightly wrap is arms around me and lay his head on my injured shoulder, after suddenly appearing in front of me. Oh God! He's gonna see all my fat, his hand are gonna get lost in the pounds of flab encasing my body. He can't be doing this; I don't want him to see this…thing. Ugh, why am I so disgusting. I wish I was beautiful, I wish I could actually be worthy of Zexion's gaze, of his touch, of his lo-, no, no one could ever love me. I'm getting carried away. Why isn't he walking away from me yet? Isn't he disgusted yet, his hands are touching it? But still, he was holding onto me, to all the sickening fat and I couldn't help but feel wonderful, with his arms around me.

This was the best I'd felt in years. And not just because Zexion's naked skin was pressed against my own, but because of his comforting energy soaking into me. He had the amazing ability to take all my worries, all my pains away, and I didn't want it to end. He almost made me feel like I deserved more. However, I know the truth; I am worthless and deserve nothing. But why do I deserve nothing, what did I do? I want to fix it. If I fix it, I may be able to become worthy of Zexion. "What did I do Zexy, what did I do to deserve this life?"

"Nothing Dems." He answered and I allowed my head to fall to his shoulder, "Demyx you deserve so much more, so much better." He spoke so gently it was like he was mimicking a hum to lull me to sleep. My eyes had even started to become heavy and I was about to give into my much needed sleep, then I felt his soft lips and warm breath sweep across my shoulder.

My eye lids were no longer heavy, they were wide open. I was completely awake as I took in the sensation of Zexion's lips against my skin. Momentarily, all thoughts of worthlessness were gone, and all I could think or feel, or anything…all that existed, was me and Zexion. There was no bathroom, no college, no Axel, just me and Zexion, in this moment, just the two of us and the magic of his kisses. I wrapped my arms around his thin lightly muscled body and pulled him closer to me, so close that we were almost molding into one form.

His lips were now moving up my neck and I kept my eyes closed, afraid that opening them may take this moment away. Feeling as though I couldn't breathe, my fingers were digging into Zexion's back as he sent shivers throughout my body. I never want this to end, but I knew he'd find something repulsive about me if his hands and mouth continued exploring like this. But if felt so good, so inviting, so right, that I could almost imagine he liked me, and I wanted to keep the illusion going for as long as possible.

My breathing hitched as his mouth made its way down my jaw. Just as he was about to reach my awaiting lips, I felt him pull away, straining against my arms, "I'm sorry Demyx." He whispered, still attempting to escape the pile of worthless filth that is me. He'd finally come to his senses, the illusion was over, and I wanted to cry. As I lowered my head I let my arms fall allowing him to leave me. I felt so empty, so lost, and incomplete without his arms around me. But he'd finally found something wrong with me, not that it's difficult. It's just that, I was beginning to think he may be blind to my flaws, but he's not. He'd found it, the thing he couldn't stand, and it was only right to release him, even though I wanted to hold him forever. When I lifted my head again I was shocked to see Zexion still standing in front of me, he hadn't left. At least, he hadn't completely left me.

Then I saw his hand, one of the hands that had been holding me so tenderly just moments ago, raise and reach towards my face. I lifted my hands to protect my face and cringed away; I'd angered him. Of course I had, I tempted him, and I shouldn't have. From looking in mirrors, I know the exact disgust that must have overcome him when he saw what he was kissing. But even as I recoiled, his hand moved forward, and instinctively I began to back away. I backed away from the seemingly stunned Zexion until my back hit the wall and I could go no further. I'd walked myself into a corner. With a frightened glance away from the wall, I caught sight of Zexion walking towards me again. No, why was this happening again?

I felt him sit down next to me and anticipated the coming pain. Rather than the fist I expected, I felt the light touch of Zexion's palm against my face, and his thumb gently rubbing away tears that I was unaware I had shed. "I'm sorry Demyx, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"Didn't mean to do what?" I whispered in confusion.

"I was out of line." What was he talking about?

oOo

My lips' first small brush against Demyx's skin was not enough, I wanted, no craved more. I didn't really know what I was doing, but it felt right, this felt right, and I needed it. I needed to taste every bit of skin, to breathe in his wonderful scent, and when he pulled me in closer to him, I felt his stomach and chest against mine, and I knew I needed to be even closer.

I allowed my fingers to explore every curve of Demyx's perfectly sculpted back, as my lips began to venture away from his shoulder, and my tongue tasted a trail up his neck enjoying every inch of skin. Then I finally made it to his jaw, and I slowly, painstakingly, made my way down it, bathing in the perfection of this moment. However, as I neared his mouth, I realized, I really had no idea what I was doing, and when I stopped to think about my actions, rather than simply allowing hormones to take over, I realized that Demyx had just broken up with Axel yesterday and he was still head over heals in love with him. He wouldn't want me. He probably felt violated. I just licked a path from his shoulder to his lips. What the hell was I thinking?! I was trying to help him; I shouldn't be taking advantage of him. I'm horrible.

I immediately tried to get away from the poor mistreated blond, but his arms were still around me. Placing my hands on his beautiful chest, I tried to push myself away from him, until finally I was released. "I'm sorry Demyx." I looked up at him, expecting to see relief, but what I found made me feel worse. Demyx had tears falling down his face. How could I do this to him? I was just as bad as Axel. I knew everything that was happening to him, I knew his life was falling apart, I knew he needed a friend, and still I went there. I let my desire control me, and now Demyx was crying. He probably felt raped. I'm such a fucking perverted asshole. My poor Demyx.

I lifted my hand to wipe away the damage I'd done, but as usual my blond cringed away from my touch and raised his arms in a defensive manner. However, unlike the normal turn of events, I continued to move my hand forward, determined to fix what I had done. Seeing him cry made me want to die, especially because it was my fault. And seeing Demyx back himself into a corner to escape me, made me want to die a horribly painful and violent death.

I almost gave up. I thought seriously about leaving Demyx in peace. But I couldn't, I loved him too much. I wanted him to forgive me; at least I had t try to get him to forgive me, not that he should. I didn't deserve forgiveness for what I had done. It was completely insensitive and selfish. It was unforgivable. But because I had to try, I started walking towards Demyx. He had fallen to the floor and tears were still pouring out of his fearful eyes, though no sounds escaped his lips. Silently, I sat down beside him and watched as he tried desperately to fall through the wall. Then as light as possible, I placed my palm against Demyx's cheek and my thumb gently wiped away his tears, "I'm sorry Demyx, I'm really sorry." I tried to apologize but words could not express how bad I felt. "I didn't mean to do that."

"Didn't mean to do what?" Demyx whispered.

"I was out of line." I responded.

"What?" Demyx asked, completely confused.

"It was wrong of me to do that. It's just that I lo-, I…I don't know why I did it Dems. I didn't mean to take advantage of you, just after you've broken up with Axel. Please forgive me Dems, please say we're still friends. I won't do it again."

oOo

"Please forgive me Dems, please say we're still friends. I won't do it again." Zexion begged. He thought _he'd_ done something wrong? But I liked it? I wanted more; I want him to do it again, he left me. He left me because he was concerned about what I wanted? He…he thought I didn't like it. He cared about…me? Axel never concerned himself with how I felt, but Zexion was beating himself up over nothing because he cares about my feelings. I thought Axel cared too, how can I tell if Zexion is any different?

"Its okay Zexy, we're still friends." I consoled my blue haired companion. It was best if we stayed friends anyway. Zexion may not know it now, but I'm no good for him. He needs someone as amazing as him, and I'm not that person. As much as I want him, I know what will happen in the end, and I can't do that again.

"Really?" He asked quietly as his soft hands left my face. He looked so sad. It was like he was upset because he thought he'd done something wrong to me. Why does he care so much? People don't care about how their actions affect others, but he's so upset. I hadn't seen him show this much emotion since I walked in on him and Axel in the hallway. They had been talking about Zeixon not being able to tell someone he loved him. So what was it that he couldn't tell me? Never mind, it's none of my business.

"Yeah Zexy, we're friends, best friends." I spoke as I wrapped my arms around him again. "Please don't leave me, I need you." I mumbled into his neck.

"Never, I need you too Dems." Zexion said, but I could swear I heard him add, "More than you know." Unfortunately Zexion also had the ability to speak so quietly you could never be sure if he was actually making sound or just moving his lips. "Okay Dems, let's take our showers, then we'll meet everyone in the cafeteria, and we're skipping our classes today."

"But you've never missed a class before?"

"It doesn't matter, you, me, we're doing something, but it's not gonna be school."

"Thank you Zexy." I said as I used the wall to help myself stand up, and then walked into a shower stall. Once I was in between the safe confines of the tiled walls I closed the curtain and stripped my pants and boxers off. I still didn't want Zexion to see me. He already saw my fat stomach; he didn't need to see my legs and ass too. I turned the water on, bringing it to the perfect temperature, and soon after I started soaking my hair, I heard Zexion do the same in another stall.

I was so relieved that I wouldn't be going to class today, but it was quite nerve-wracking to be thinking about going to the cafeteria. Axel would probably be there, and I didn't know how he'd react to seeing me. All of our other friends would be there as well. None of them knew. As far as anyone was concerned, Axel and I are still together, struggling but together. Only Axel and Zexion know that I attempted to kill myself yesterday. I didn't want everyone to know about my little adventure. What if either Axel or Zexion told everyone? This wouldn't be a problem had I not failed yesterday. Now I have to worry about everyone finding out about me jumping off a cliff.

I felt my chest constricting as it became difficult for me to breath. I knew no one thought highly of me, I was a very weak person after all. But if they all knew about what I had tried to do, everyone would know just how fucked up I am. They'd be given the equipment they need to see past my mask. All my years of perfecting that shield would be thrown down the drain, just like the dirty water disappeared through the holes in the floor.

As my worries continued to grow my breathing became more and more difficult. My hands and fingers were tingling, my chest was aching, and even though there was steaming water crashing down on me I felt cold. Finally, in a moment of faintness, I crashed to the floor of the shower and struggled to catch my breath as steam filled my throat. It was useless; everyone was going to find out. There was nothing I could do. The tiny bit of life that I still had left was gone.

After minutes of feeling as though I may die, my breathing returned to normal and I was able to calm down enough to push away all of my worrisome thoughts, for now. I finished up my shower in silence, slightly shaking from the attack, and by the sounds of it, Zexion had already finished. When I was satisfied with my cleanliness I turned the water off. Then I realized I'd left my clothes and towel on a bench. The only way I could get to them would be to allow Zexion to see me in all my disgustingly flabby glory. I was stuck here. Once again, I felt my chest constrict as panic set in.

oOo

I almost looked up when I heard Demyx turn the shower off but I'd already figured out that he was very self conscience about his body, so I forced my eyes back down to the text of the book that I had brought with me. After reading three more paragraphs I finally looked up. Demyx still hadn't opened the curtain and I was beginning to worry. With a quick glance around the room I soon discovered the problem.

Placing my book on the bench I was sitting on, I stood up and grabbed Demyx's towel and clothes. Then I walked over to the shower Demyx resided in, leaned my back against the wall, and looked away as I slowly slid my hand, holding the fluffy blue fabric, behind the curtain. It didn't take long for the item to be snatched out of my hand like a starving monkey grabbing a piece of food and running away with it. Hmm…maybe I watch too much Discovery channel.

Next I carefully held his fresh clothes behind the curtain and Demyx grabbed these with much less urgency. When I knew he had all of his garments tucked away with him in the shower, I walked back to my bench, crossed my legs as I sat down, and continued reading as I gave Demyx as much privacy as I could.

oOo

What was I going to do? I couldn't stay here all day, well I could, but I don't' want to, Zexy said we have plans. While I was panicking, I heard Zexion's feet slap across the floor. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He can't see me. I backed into a corner of the shower and tried to cover myself as much as possible. Why does this type of shit always have to happen to me? I know Axel resented the fact that I'm not as beautiful as him, and I don't want Zexion to see the full extent of my grotesqueness.

As I contemplated how I would get out of this situation, I heard the scratch of the steel curtain rings sliding across the aluminum shower bar, and my heart raced in fear. But it was all for naught. I could see Zexion's multi-blue colored hair, not his face; he was looking away, respecting my unspoken wishes. My eyes followed a path down his arm and I found my salvation in a fluffy blue towel. My hand quickly darted out and tore the material from his hand, before I rapidly wrapped it around myself, with my shaking hands. Then, without looking at me, Zexion maneuvered my clothes into his hand, and held them out to me. Since I wasn't so frightened about being seen this time, and decided to just trust Zexion not to look, I grabbed my clothes with much less force. As I pulled my boxers up with one hand and held my clothes and towel with the other, I watched Zexion walk away, without even the tiniest glance at me. This only made me love him so much more for giving me that much respect. He was just so wonderful, why couldn't I be a better person for him?

I quickly pulled on the rest of my clothes and slowly moved the curtain as I crept out of the shower, making my way towards Zexion, who was reading a book called "Without Conscience". Zexion's caring and patient eyes peered over the book, watching me sit down next to him. "Thank you." I mumbled as I stared into the hands residing in my lap. Looking out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zexion nod in response.

"Come on Dems. We'll drop our stuff off at our dorm then head to the cafeteria." I nodded my agreement and we both stood up.

oOo

Both the walk to the dorm and to the cafeteria was completely silent. I couldn't be sure, but I thought Demyx was nervous about seeing our friends. If I knew Demyx, and I believe I do, he doesn't want anyone to know he tried to kill himself. I would take his secret to the grave that I was sure of. I'd never betray him.

As we walked through the doors of the cafeteria Demyx stopped dead in his tracks. I followed his eyes to the spot he was staring down. Not only was Axel already here, he brought Roxas as well.

**AN: The scene with Zexion molesting Demyx was completely unplanned but I liked how it turned out, so I left it. I hope this chapter makes up for the last one. Sora is probably going to be introduced in chapter 8.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts. As always, they are greatly appreciated.**


	8. I Just Want To Feel

AN: I don't know what it is about me, but bad moods never equal anything good for my characters. Actually, this entire story started because of a bad mood. And to top it all off, I'm gonna make you all hate me with this cliffhanger.

**Chapter Eight: I Just Want To Feel**

Four pairs of eyes stared at me as I strolled up to the table with someone other than Demyx by my side. I could only imagine how nerve-wracking this must have been for Roxas, who was hiding behind me as we walked, using my body as a shield from the death glares. My friends weren't exactly _normal_, and their glares were quite intimidating. They had come to love Demyx a great deal over the years. After I started dating him, he was no longer Zexion's weird little band geek friend, he was part of the group, and they would not be happy about him being so depressed. He was like a little brother to all of us. One that needed to be protected at all cost and I have been doing a crappy job of it.

"Umm Axel, you have the wrong blond with you." Marluxia pointed out. "So I guess Demyx really did sleep with Zexion last night. Is that why you beat the shit out of him?"

At these words, Vexen put his chemistry book down, Riku's jaw dropped and Larxene exclaimed, "What?! Dem-Dem cheated on Axel. Whoa, I totally thought it would be the other way around."

"No, Dem didn't cheat on me!" I yelled, outraged at their accusations of Demyx. It was fine if they thought I would cheat on Demyx. To be perfectly honest I had thought about it the first time I saw Roxas, but I loved Demyx too much to do that to him. Still, cheating has crossed my mind, therefore it's understandable that they think I would cheat, but to think Demyx would cheat on me…Demyx is too good a person to cheat and they should realize that.

"Then what's with the new arm candy?" Larxene shot back indicating Roxas with a jab of her finger. "I mean, he's cute and all, but he's not Demyx."

"Demyx broke up with me, Roxas is just a friend."

"He broke up with you so he could fuck Zexion, right?" Marluxia chirped in while Vexen and Riku silently watched the scene unfold.

"Shut up Marluxia!"

"So he's fucking Zexion?" Larxene smirked.

"Demyx is not fucking anyone, I am not fucking anyone, no one is fucking anyone, except maybe Riku, 'cause he's hot as hell and can get anyone he wants!" I reiterated. "Now would you all shut up?!"

"Bitchy much?" Larxene murmured.

"That's interesting coming from you." Riku took the words right out of my mouth resulting in Larxene throwing a potato at him. What a great first impression my friends are making.

oOo

"Bitchy much?" The blond bug muttered.

"That's interesting coming from you." Commented the beautiful, somewhat familiar, silver haired man in a smooth voice that said he didn't give a fuck, and almost as soon as the words left his perfectly formed lips, a potato flew across the table, landing directly in his chest. At this point the blonde's green eyes met the silver man's aqua eyes in an intense glaring match, and I sent an uneasy glance towards Axel. Were his friends about to murder each other here, in front of all these witnesses? But Axel didn't even acknowledge me as he continued to look at them with frustration written all over his face. After quickly giving up on catching Axel's eye, I looked back at the table to see the blond chemistry man reading again, making a note in his book, while the one named Marluxia just shook his head at the small battle unfolding. It was almost like this was an everyday occurrence for them. Oh my God, Axel's friends are insane!

"Anyway bitches, we have a new friend. He's new to this school and his name is Roxas." Axel reached his hand around my back and pulled me forward so I was directly in the spotlight. Sure, I had a tendency to be very confident, but Axel's friends were intimidating and I felt like I was melting beneath their gaze. It was like being at home with Sora and his friends again. The only way I could be the confident me was when I wasn't outnumbered I suppose. "Now say hi everyone, you'll be seeing a lot of Roxas from now on."

"Hi Roxas!" Everyone except the scientist, who was lost in his book, greeted. "Welcome to the group. I'm sure you'll fit in well." Marluxia continued with an inviting smile on his face. I liked him; he seemed nicer than the others, for the moment at least.

"That's not nice Marly." The silver haired man stated. "Saying he'll fit in well with us is basically the same as telling him he's as insane as all of us."

"Well, you have to be a little insane to actually want to hang out with Axel." The bug chimed in.

"Hey!" Axel said in a mock offended tone before he smiled, "I take that as a compliment Larxene."

"You would."

"Yeah, anyway Rox," I smiled as Axel nervously scratched the back of his head looking between his friends and me, "Okay, the bug looking bitch is Larxene, the one with the pink hair is Marluxia, Vexen is the one reading, and the fabulous male model on the end there is Riku."

"Riku models?" I whispered as his friend's eyes remained on us.

"No, but who wouldn't want to see him in a magazine."

"True." I agreed, giving Axel a smile, as he pulled me into a chair at the table.

As soon as I sat down Marluxia started a conversation about the classes I was taking, particularly the fact the he and I shared an English class that he was in the habit of showing up late for. Larxene and Riku would give their input every once and a while and even Vexen talked a little when I told them I was taking a Biology class. Axel was the quietest I'd ever heard him since the time I'd met him, but the smile on his face told me he was just enjoying the fact that his friends seemed to be accepting me. Little did he know, even though I'd already informed him of this, no one actually likes me. Just as I was starting to get comfortable with Axel's friends, two more people joined the group at the table, two people who would prove my point about not being likeable.

Demyx looked like he was about to fall apart and Zexion looked…well he looked purple. It pained me to know Axel had been the one to leave those awful marks on his face, but all I did was shake my head at the redhead. We'd already talked about it and there was nothing left to be said. Axel gave me a guilty smile before turning his head to meet the duo that had just arrived at the table. There was so much guilt in his eyes as they locked onto Demyx. Maybe I was biased, but I was really upset with Demyx for telling Axel he was the reason for him trying to kill himself. I didn't know how, or if I could ever fix the redhead after that. But at the same time I felt bad for Demyx. Other than Axel's obvious infatuation with me, what had made him sink so low that he would want to give up on life?

In my opinion, people who hurt themselves, and people willing to end it all and give up are weak. Demyx was weak, and Axel needed someone stronger than that. Axel couldn't be with someone who was so dependent on him because Axel has his own problems. Now Demyx…I don't know if there is anyone out there strong enough to handle him. If it was true that there was someone out there for every single person, I imagine the man made for Demyx had to be incredibly gifted, strong, and most importantly understanding. He needed someone who would make him want to fight, who could cheer him up even when he felt like giving up, who could understand and relate to him he needed…gosh, Demyx needed so much and I don't think Axel ever realized what he was getting himself into. Axel and Demyx just weren't made for each other as far as I can tell.

"Well Roxy, this is Demyx and Zexion. You guys, this is Roxas." Axel introduced us, but his voice held much less flare than usual. It felt like the mere presence of Demyx completely deflated him. Which just adds to my theory; Axel was not a strong enough person to handle Demyx. That is in no way putting Axel down either; it was just going to take an extraordinary person to fix Demyx. After Axel introduced us I stood up and stepped closer to Zexion and Demyx with my hand held out, and I saw tears form in Demyx's eyes as he held his hand out to me. Axel certainly was right; Demyx was nice, or at least polite. He seems to be trying his hardest but I know Demyx doesn't like me. In fact, I am coming to realize that, everyone here was probably just pretending to like me either out of politeness or the fact that Axel is right next to me. I'm just not Sora; Sora, the happy, friendly, popular, good twin. The one everyone loves, that's just not me. I'm just Roxas, I'm Roxas, and that's all I can ever be. And Roxas is the exact opposite of Sora, so it was impossible for this many people to like me. Carefully, as if it were a fragile piece of glass, I took Demyx's trembling hand in my own, "It's nice to meet you Demyx."

"N-nice to meet you too, R-ro…" Demyx voice cut off and the tears in his eyes began to fall, though it seemed as though he was trying desperately to not let me see them. Without another word Demyx dropped my hand, turned around, and in an eerily calm fashion, walked out of the cafeteria. It was almost like he had a destination and that was the only place left for him to go. It was scary, if I didn't feel so bad myself I would have gone after him. The way he walked away was just that frightening, and luckily, Zexion spared Axel and me one last glare before chasing after the zombie blond. Now I at least knew he would be taken care of. Ugh, why do I always have to care about people I don't even know, especially when I don't give a crap about me?

As it turned out, I was right. It was impossible for people to like me. I'm just not my twin, and as hard as I try, I will never be him. Silently, I turned around, ignored the hand Axel reached out to me, and began walking towards the nearest bathroom with a single tear falling down my face.

oOo

"N-nice to meet you too, R-ro…" Oh hell! Demyx couldn't do it. I saw it in his watering eyes, and immediately knew this was too much for him to handle. Goddamnit, why did I bring Roxas here? Because Roxas needs friends and you wanted to help him jackass, added to that he makes you all tingly. Shut up! Oh, good God, I'm fighting with myself.

I watched with a guilty heart as Demyx dropped Roxas' hand and walked away. But the way he walked away gave me an uneasy sense of déjà vu. I have seen that before, I know that slow, determined walk. What does it mean and why can't I remember? I looked to Zexion, he always has the answers, to find him giving me a 'how could you' look, before chasing after my ex-boyfriend. This is going smashingly, I thought. Before I could get back to figuring out where I had seen that walk before I saw Roxas turn around and walk towards me. I held my hand out, intending to give him comfort, but he simply brushed pass me without any acknowledgement of my presence. And the tear on his cheek broke my heart into pieces. Yes, things were going just peachy.

"I told you Zexion fucked Demyx. Did you see his face? Axel did a number on him." Larxene whispered loudly.

"But Demyx was crying when he shook hands with Roxas. Don't you think if Demyx was getting something he'd be a little more cheerful. The stories don't seem to be adding up." Marluxia responded.

"Well, Demyx is the guilty type, maybe he feels bad for cheating on Axel" Larxene reasoned.

"True, true. Axel did say Demyx was going to be sleeping with Zexion last night."

"That sounds like fucking to me." Larxene snickered, "How about you Riku?"

"Leave me out of this." Riku sat back in his seat.

"God, do you people ever shut up!?" I yelled loud enough to attract the attention of the entire cafeteria. "No one is fucking anyone!" And with that last eloquent statement, I stormed after Roxas.

Before I was out of hearing distance, I heard Vexen mumble, "He really is bitchy today." If I wasn't in such a hurry to find my blond I would've turned around, slammed his head into the table and given him hell. But alas, my Roxy needed me, so that tempting event would not be happening today. It didn't take me long to find Roxs, he was in the first bathroom I entered. By the sounds of it, I would guess that he's crying. And I don't know how I know that the person in the end stall is Roxas. I just knew; I could feel it. That was my blond, and he was in pain.

After making sure Roxas and I were the only two people in the bathroom, I locked the door and walked up to the end stall. Raising my fist I gently tapped on the door. "Roxy, don't let Demyx bother you. It's not that he doesn't like you, he's just sad and this was too much for him to handle in one day. Everyone else likes you Roxy. You were all getting along."

"They only pretended to like me, 'cause you were there." Roxas answered me quietly.

"Open the door." I demanded.

"No."

"Ugh!" I growled in frustration. Demyx would've opened the door. Demyx would never fight me. If this were Demyx I'd already be in there cheering him up. If this were Demyx, I probably wouldn't have followed him, I thought sadly. "Will you please open the door Roxas. It's just you and me in here." I tried again, as I pushed my thoughts away.

"Axel, there's no point in you being nice to me. I know I'm not anything special. I know that there's no way you can like me, you're just being nice. And that's what your friends are doing too."

"Roxas…"

"Sora is someone people can get along with, I'm just a nobody that everyone hates or ignores…"

"Roxas…" My voice was growing louder, every time I said his name.

"And you, pretending to be my friend just because you're nice…"

I slammed my head against the door, "Roxas…"

"Is cruel, so stop being so nice!"

"ROXAS!" I yelled and ripped the stall door open, breaking the lock. Then I grabbed the frightened blond by his shoulders, pulled him out and pushed him up against the bathroom wall. I could feel his small body trembling beneath my fingers, but didn't cease my violent actions. Roxas was so small compared to Demyx. I imagined Roxas might break if I touch him with too much force. He's just so much smaller. Unlike the inicident with Demyx, however, I was completely in control of my actions. My fingers were not digging into Roxas' delicate flesh, I had not slammed him against the wall, every touch I made was forceful, but gentle at the same time. I took great care in each touch I gave him, and I was doing this for him, not for me. For once, this had nothing to do with me. And that scared me. Everything has always been about me, why does Roxas make me care so much? "I am not nice. The only person that matters in my world is me. I attacked my boyfriend, and screwed him up to the point of having a suicidal meltdown. I beat the shit out of my best friend, and now he's all funny colored, and his fucking emo hair can't even hide all of it. Dem and Zex are people I like Roxas, maybe even love! Trust me, if I didn't like you, I would make it very clear. You would know."

"Axel…" Roxas, who was no longer trembling but still had tears in his eyes, whispered. I put a single finger over his lips and shook my head.

"Shh…it's my turn to talk Roxy. You've helped me twice, now it's my turn. Don't make me pull my duct tape out."

"You have duct tape?"

"Shush! I've liked you since your first day of school her. Sure it started as lust and nothing more. I couldn't get enough of your messy blond hair, your full pouty lips that always seem to turn up, just a little when I enter a room, those deep blue eyes, and the sound of your voice. Oh, I lusted over you so much. But then, as I got to know you more, just by watching you in class, it wasn't lust anymore, Roxas. I wanted to know more about you. I remember the day it changed for me. We were in math class and you were thinking really hard; you had stuck your pencil in your mouth, scrunched your face and were tapping you fingers on the desk.

"And I thought to myself, after getting over the cuteness of that, I want to know why he does that. I want to know if there are anymore adorable little habits just waiting for me to discover. I wonder if he likes the same things as me. I just couldn't stop thinking about knowing more about you. And yesterday, you walked up to me, confidence pouring off of you, and said, 'you're gay?' Then I proceeded to make an ass of myself, but you didn't leave. You laughed. You…I couldn't get enough of you. I loved that confidence, but I can tell its hiding your insecurities. And I imagined myself helping you through that. Helping you with everything you may need. Roxas, I don't help people. I'm the only person that matters to me, and somehow, you pushed your way into my world, and I'm not the only person I care about…" I froze. What had I just said? To care for someone other than me, that means that…that's dangerous, I can't…I c-can't care about anyone other than me, I'd only get hurt. I let go of Roxas' shoulders and backed away, slowly.

oOo

"I'm the only person that matters to me, and somehow, you pushed your way into my world, and I'm not the only person I care about…" Axel looked like a dear in the headlights, and I felt him release me. Then he started to back away from me, like I was the end of his life, until he hit a wall. "I can't, I c-can't care about anyone else." I heard him mumble to himself as if I weren't standing right here. "You'll get hurt, you know that. Caring about people only leads to trouble. It's just you and me. Me, myself, and I, everyone else just wants to hurt me. I can't let anyone in. I can't. It's dangerous. I can't. This can't happen."

Out of all the friends I could have made here, I made friends with the hot man, boiling over with sexy goodness, who talks to himself. And I thought I had problems. As I began to walk towards Axel, he fell to the floor and his hands started gripping at his lovely hair. Oh sweet déjà vu. I thought I'd worked out all these creases. I stood over Axel, with a foot on each side of his legs, and waited for him to look at me. When those green orbs finally met mine, I sat on top of his knees, grabbed his wrists, and pulled his hands out of his hair. No, Demyx certainly was not the man for Axel.

"It's okay to care about other people Axel. Not everyone is going to hurt you, though I can certainly understand why you may feel this way. But not every person you meet is going to be your father Axel. You have four friends in the lunchroom right now, who love you." I need to find Axel someone strong. A man who can show him what it's like to be loved. He needs man who's strong, and who can put up with his aggression and calm him down without hurting him. And a man who needs him, because Axel needs to feel needed, I can tell. "Demyx never hurt you, did he?"

"No." He whispered back to me, and averted his eyes from mine. With a gentle hand, I forced his eyes back to mine.

"See, you can care about someone without being hurt. You don't need to withdraw from everyone, and hide yourself. It's okay to let people in sometimes. You let Zexion in, has he ever betrayed you?"

"No."

"I know you haven't known me long, and you've let me in more than you've let any of your friends in, and I promise you Axel, I will never hurt you. I know what it's like to have someone you love hurt you and I would never dream of doing that to you. Because, Axel, I care about you too." I leaned forward and pressed my lips against Axel's in a chaste kiss. Nothing that would scare him, I just wanted to emphasize my feelings. All too quickly I ended my kiss, and relieved Axel of any uneasy feelings I may have given him. "I think you need a friend like me, and I know I need a friend like you. Please don't shut me out."

Axel nodded slowly, "I do need a friend like you. I like that I can be myself with you, and you know all my secrets, but you don't think differently of me. Roxas, I've never told anyone that my dad used to abuse me. The only reason Zexion knows, is because he witnessed it. I like that I feel like I can tell you anything and you won't judge me. You may hit me to knock some sense into me, but you won't hate me. You're right; I need a friend like you. Don't hurt me, I've never trusted anyone before. Please don't hurt me." Axel's eyes stayed glued to mine the entire speech, neither of us looked away.

"I promise you Axel, I will never hurt you." And Axel closed the space between us, connecting our lips. It was needy, but not like the last one. It felt like Axel was kissing me for confirmation, sealing the deal. But almost as soon as that thought crossed my mind, his tongue slipped out, and I opened my mouth. Now, it felt like a kiss between lovers, like Axel needed to know that I cared about him, just as much as he cared for me. And I did. I really did. Despite our agreement to just be friends, he felt like much more than that to me.

I dropped Axel's arms and laced my fingers through his hair just as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his stomach. I could feel his quickening heartbeat against mine, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I felt that it beat for me and me alone. But why would anyone want to live for me. As he deepened the kiss I squeezed my legs tighter against his thighs, and buried my fingers further in his hair. This felt so right. I came to this school looking for an answer, but this is so much better. This feeling of being on top of the world, of being cared about, being…dare I say, loved?

It's amazing, I came in here because I was upset, and somehow it turned into Axel needing comfort. All my previous concerns were washed away when I saw him lose it. I was so frightened, and suddenly, my ridiculous worries of people not liking me, didn't seem so important. The only thing important to me was pulling Axel out of that place that threatened to destroy him. I needed to be strong for him. Strong? Was I a strong man? Am I the type of person Axel needs? Maybe I am, maybe I came to this school, for a reason. Out of all the schools I could have chosen, I came to this one. And maybe, just maybe, I was meant to come here because Axel and I need each other.

When I ran out of air I held out for a moment longer before pulling away from Axel. "That's a little friendlier that friends are supposed to be with each other." I commented.

"Yeah." Axel smirked.

"Are we good?"

"Yes we're good, we're friends. We need each other. And you, you know my friends like you right?"

"I'm still not sure about the Bug, Model, Pink, and Chemicals. I can't imagine why they would like me. Right now, you feel like my only friend, my slightly overly friendly friend, but my friend none the less."

"You kissed me first, and give them a chance Roxy. Let them get to know you. And what's with the nicknames?" Axel asked. I could tell he wasn't completely recovered from his last melt down, but it definitely seemed like he was doing better.

"I forgot the real ones." I answered nonchalantly.

"Does that happen much?" He smirked. Ah yes, he was coming back to me. A little at a time, he was recovering.

"All the time. I'm really bad with names."

"You knew mine."

"You're special."

"Really? I'm special?" Axel beamed. I hadn't been lying, I really do suck with names, but for some reason, Axel stuck. "So Roxy, are you ready to go back to the cafeteria, or do you want to go somewhere else?"

"I feel like I should be asking you that." I commented, and when I realized I was still straddling Axel's legs, I rolled off of him so I was now sitting by his side.

"Hey, Roxas?" Uh oh, he's using his serious voice, and my real name.

"Yeah."

"What did you mean when you said you know what it's like to be hurt by the people you love?"

"I um, it doesn't matter, let's just go back to the cafeteria." I said, and immediately regretted it when I looked back at Axel. His head was now hanging and his smirk was gone. He probably thought I didn't trust him now. "It's not that I don't want to tell you Axel, it's just…we're on a bathroom floor."

"Yeah, I get it, don't worry." Axel said in a pretty convincing tone, but I knew too much about him now. He was hurt. Damnit, Roxas, and you just promised you wouldn't hurt him.

"I already told you my parents weren't very supportive of my coming out, right."

"In a roundabout way, yes." Axel mumbled.

"Well, that didn't hurt as much as what my brother did to me. In school, Sora…he would tease me. He even told the entire school I was gay, and I wasn't ready for that. My parents had just told me I was filth for loving the wrong gender, and then my brother tells the entire school. Sure, some people could care less about my sexual orientation, but the ones who did care, really cared. I was teased, and beat up on a daily basis by half of the guys in my school, including my brother."

"Your brother beat you up."

"No, he was worse. He never touched me, but, his words, they were worse than any beating I ever received. That was when I was sixteen and it lasted for the rest of that year and the next year. Actually, I think your friend, Model…"

"Riku."

"Yeah, Riku, I think he went to school with me, but he was one of the jocks, so I never really saw him or talked to him."

"Riku's gay though, he wouldn't pick on you."

"No, and he never did, that's why I don't really know him. I saw him in my house a few times, but I stay away from my brother and his friends. It only leads to trouble for me. Because, I'm broken, I'm wrong, there's something wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you."

"I know, in my heart, I know that. But it feels like there's something wrong with me."

"I'm sorry Roxas." Axel whispered, and pulled me into his arms. I let my head rest on his shoulder, and let his warmth spread through me. This is all I'd ever wanted in my life. To feel loved. To feel like someone actually cares about me. Who knew I'd find it on a bathroom floor in a college, thousands of miles away from my home. No, my house, that place was not a home. The minute my family abandoned me, it was no longer a home. It was a prison, and Axel had released me.

oOo

He brought _him_. I had nothing against Roxas, but how could he bring him? It hasn't even been twenty-four hours since I broke up with him. How could Axel do this to me? How could I be mad at him, he's done nothing wrong? He has every right to be with Roxas. In fact, I told him to. Roxas is way better than me, who wouldn't choose him over me. I should be happy for Axel, he's moving on nicely. That's good.

"We don't have to go to them Dems, we can leave if you want?" Zexion suggested.

"No, no, I'm okay." I lied confidently, "Let's go see our friends." I finished with determination. Zexion's presence at my side strengthened me every step of the way as we walked towards that table. Each movement brought me closer to Axel, and each step made me happier. I hadn't affected him too much. He would still be happy; he could live a normal Demyx free life now. Unfortunately, Zexion's strength couldn't help me when we arrived at the table.

Axel's eyes met mine and I saw so much guilt in them it killed me. Why would he feel guilty, why is he doing that to himself? I wish I could just hold him again and tell him not to worry, that I'm okay, and none of it was his fault. I'd force myself to be happy if it'd make him happy. But one look at the blond by his side told me that if I did that I'd make things worse. Worse than I already have. I'm the one that put that guilt in his eyes. It's my fault he feels this way. And I almost ruined what little happiness he had by not thinking before acting. I was so close to wrapping my arms around him, but I couldn't do that anymore.

He finally had Roxas. He didn't have to worry about my filthy hideous body, my bland personality, my inability to be what he needed, fucking up his life anymore. He had someone who is as perfect as he is. He has someone who will be everything he needs, wants, and never expected to be fortunate enough to have. He has Roxas, the man of his dreams, the man I can never be.

"Well Roxy," I couldn't help the tears that formed in my eyes. He even gave him a nickname. I know I told him to move on, but it hurt to know I could be replaced so quickly. It just proved what a nobody I am. And I felt even worse when I realized I was ruining Axel's happiness by standing here. I'm destroying his ability to get on with his life, because for some God awful reason, he thought he'd done something wrong. If only I could tell him it's all my fault. I would, if I ever got him alone, I'd make sure he knew I was the villain here, and he needs to go live his happily ever after with Roxas, and I need to die, as the villain often does. "This is Demyx and Zexion. You guys, this is Roxas." I held my hand out to Roxas, desperately trying to hold back my tears, I didn't need to make him feel bad too.

"It's nice to meet you Demyx." Roxas said as he took my hand and I nearly broke down.

"N-nice to meet you too, R-ro…" I couldn't take it anymore. Axel was still watching me with those guilt ridden eyes and Roxas was being brought into this, and how could Axel be so nice after what I've done. He, they, deserved to be happy together, but as long as I'm here, they can never have that. Because I'll be a constant reminder to Axel of what happened today. If I'm gone, he'll have a better chance of being relieved of any unnecessary guilt he may have towards me. I couldn't ruin this for Axel, I had to give him his second chance, a second chance I don't deserve. I needed to get out of here. My grotesque being didn't belong here anymore. I should've ended it on the cliff.

I dropped Roxas' hand and turned around. With careful steps I made my way out of the cafeteria, pass the bathrooms, and away from the elevator, all the way out of the school, out of everyone's life, and into the parking lot. My thoughts were no longer of Axel and his perfect new boyfriend. Now, all I could think of was Zexion. What if I did that to Zexion? What if Zexion looked at me with those sad quilty eyes, because I'd ruined his chance to be happy. I couldn't risk that. Either I'd damage him, or he'd hurt me, and I couldn't live through either of those situations. It's best if I just remove myself, like I'd originally planned.

As I entered the parking lot, I felt a familiar sense of relief wash over me. I'd never have to feel anything again. Nothing felt better than knowing that, and I was lucky enough, though I hardly deserve it, to have experienced that twice in my life. Unfortunately, that sweet feeling of relief was somewhat bitter this time around. This time the wonderful feeling was being interrupted by a tiny nagging voice in the back of my head that, oddly enough, sounded like Zexion.

It's true, over the past few hours, Zexion has made me feel better, but it's also true that I don't deserve that. And I shouldn't be having these overly friendly feelings towards him either. That's my worst sin. Zexion deserves so much better than me, and I dared to hope I had a chance with him. A relationship with me can only end in a horribly painful way for both of us, and I can't do that to Zexion. Despite what that nagging voice was pleading, I knew I was right in my decision to end it…again, but for real this time. There'd be no backing out. Hell, I may not even get out of my car.

Once again, I found myself sliding into my beat up car, and without hesitation I started it. Then I drove away with no intention of returning. As I drove through the parking lot I heard Zexion scream my name. I'd never heard him even raise his voice and my eyes flashed over the rearview mirror as I slowed down a bit. No! What was I doing? It's better for him, for them all, but mostly him if I leave. I tore the mirror off, which wasn't entirely difficult because the only thing keeping it up was duct tape, and I sped out of the school parking lot with the image of Zexion screaming my name in my head. This is it, and I'm never looking back.

oOo

I liked Roxas. He's cute, hiding some sort of insecurity, but knows what he wants. He's confident on the surface and I think he may actually be a good match for Axel. I imagine he has the strength to put Axel in his place. But why the hell did Axel have to bring him with today. Any other day, maybe, but it hasn't even been twenty-four hours. I had no idea how Demyx was going to react to this, and the way he was leisurely walking out of the cafeteria with an untold purpose and tears falling down his face, had me scared.

I sent a quick glare towards Axel and unintentionally at Roxas before chasing after Demyx, who'd already left the cafeteria. As I stood between the cafeteria's double doors I decided to check the bathroom across from me first. With quick precision I opened the door and called, "Demyx!" No one answered. "Damnit!" Maybe he went to my room. No, come on Zexion, think carefully, panicking never helps. Where would Demyx go?

As my head slowly turned towards the parking lot I heard someone behind me ask, "Is Demyx the kid with a mullhawk?" I didn't pay attention to the details of the kid; I just wanted to know what he knew.

"Yes."

"He went out to the parking lot." Shit! I so didn't want to be right this time, but I was. Without a word of thanks to the kind brunette, I sprinted out of the school looking in every direction for a blond head of hair. He couldn't have gone that far, I was right behind him and he was walking slowly.

I had no idea where he parked and this lot was huge. However, when I hear the distinctly familiar growl of Demyx's piece of shit car starting up I sprinted in the direction of the noise and found him just as he was pulling away. "Demyx!" I screamed, which is something I don't do, in fact, I wasn't even aware I could. But I must have because Demyx was slowing down and all the people in the parking lot were staring at me like I was a lunatic. Before I could take another step forward, Demyx sped up, and tore out of the lot.

A tear rolled down my face, as I stood stunned for about half a second. Then I scratched the wretched drop off my face, and ran towards my car. I didn't have time for tears, my car was parked at least a mile away and it wasn't exactly fast. As I was running, which was quite a feat for me, I'm not entirely athletic, I spotted a red 1967 Chevelle with the license plate 'PYRO 8'. I stopped immediately and walked up to Axel's pride and joy. This'll work. I reached out, gripped the door handle and pulled. Locked, of course.

Without hesitation I raised my fist and brought it down on the left rear window. Thanks to the minimal weight training I do, I surprised myself and broke through on the first attempt. Or maybe it was the adrenaline, either way I barely felt the glass slice through my hand nor did I feel the warm blood spilling out. I had to get to Demyx.

I didn't even feel the glass, which was still sticking in my hand, pull as I reached around to unlock the door. I didn't care that my blood was staining the fabric of Axels precious car as I hotwired it. I didn't care that I may have damaged my right hand, which happens to be the hand I write with, and is a very important piece of my musical talent. I only cared about getting to Demyx before I lost him.

oOo

As I watched Kairi strip and discard yet another perfectly good outfit on my usually spotless bedroom floor, I asked myself, how did my life get here? Didn't I use to be happy? Wasn't there a time when I could smile with something more than emptiness? There had to be a time were everything I did wasn't a façade for my friends and family, else I wouldn't' be so good at faking it.

I continued to watch Kairi as she put the finishing touches on her outfit. She's very pretty, especially her hair, but I never want to comb my fingers through it. And those blue eyes, they are beautiful, so why don't I feel anything when I look in them. I suppose the answer is easy, but I can't accept it. No, I'm lucky to have Kairi, I should be the happiest man in the world. But what does it even mean, to be happy?

"How about these Sora?" Is it even possible for me to feel that emotion, after all I've done and said? "Sora?" Maybe I'm not happy because I don't deserve it. "Sora?!" I'd made my choice, chose my side, and now the only two people who ever understood me are thousands of miles away, and I feel numb. "SORA!"

"God what?! Can't you tell I'm having an inner monologue?!" I shouted at my beautiful, perfect, best thing in my life, girlfriend. I mean, I'm here, sort of. I've been watching her strip and try on clothes for hours. What more does she want?

"Inner what?" Kairi's face scrunched in confusion. When we were friends I used to think it was cute, like a little bunny. Now I wanted to push her out the window and throw her fucking clothes out after her. Seriously, I like to keep my room in pristine condition, and look what she does. I just wanted to pop her fucking head off like a dandelion. Ugh…bad thoughts Sora, what have I told you about bad thoughts. With an expertise I had developed over the years, I locked all my nasty thoughts away.

"Never mind, what did you want?" I asked in a tired and frustrated voice. I was exhausted from doing this all day and just wanted to get this movie date over with. Unfortunately, what Kairi wants Kairi gets, and right now Kairi wants me to watch her repeatedly get dressed and undressed while making a mess of my room until the movie starts.

"What have I wanted every other time Sora?" Kairi was beginning to lose her patience with me, and today was not a good day for that. I should've stayed in bed, I shouldn't have woken up, and now, I'm going to regret my next actions.

"Yes Kairi, it makes you look fat, in fact, every single outfit makes you look fat, despite the fact that I assured you they didn't, and that you are beautiful." I said in my most sincere voice. Tears filled Kairi's lovely blue eyes, and it seems even that won't stop me. After four years of hiding all my true emotions, I was finally snapping, which was bittersweet. On one hand, to snap means I'm feeling an emotion, but on the other, I'm going to feel horrible about this, Kairi doesn't deserve it. "I look at you every day and think, what the fuck am I doing with this, this, girl, ugh…I can't stand it. I can't stand you, I hate my life, but mostly, I hate myself!" By the time I had finished I had raised my voice and Kairi looked broken. She didn't deserve this. She was beautiful, amazing, patient, caring, and loving. She's the greatest thing in my horrible lie of a life, and I'd just brought her to tears. It tore me apart, the way she looked at me as though I'd ripped her heart out. "Kairi…" I stood up and walked towards her.

"Shut up Sora!" Kairi turned away from me. I've lashed out a few times and Kairi is always in the line of fire, it's not fair. "I don't know how much more of this I can take. I haven't done anything to deserve such harsh words from you." She furiously wiped tears from her eyes, spreading makeup across her face.

"I'm sorry Kairi." I'm such a horrible person. Why can't I be a normal, happy person? Why do I have to be the depressed angry selfish human I am?

"No Sora, you're not. You say that every time, but you always do it again. It hurts me Sora, and I don't know how much more pain I can handle."

"I didn't mean it Kairi, please don't leave me."

"That's exactly the problem; you don't mean it." Kairi took a few steps towards me and placed her hands on my chest. Then she pushed me backwards until the back of my knees hit my bed and I fell, sitting on the edge. Not satisfied with my new position, Kairi pushed my chest down so I was now lying on it, and then she crawled onto the bed and straddled my legs. "We've been together for four years, and you still don't mean it."

"What?" I squeaked, somewhat frightened.

"Sora, you are almost a perfect boyfriend. You carry my books for me, walk me to class, open doors for me, and bring me gifts just because you feel like it. You know everything about me; my favorite color, band, my best friend, what makes me sad, what makes me happy. You've never forgotten an anniversary and you always do something special. Your parents love me, and we all get along, but you don't love me."

"Kairi…"

"Shh…Sora, you don't mean it when you say 'I love you', I can tell. On the rare occasion that you touch me, more than holding my hand, you're hesitant. I used to think it was because you were inexperienced, but it's not. You just don't want to touch me. And when we kiss, let's just say 'we' is the wrong word. You don't love me, and I know it. But I love you enough to wait for you to love me.

I couldn't lose her, what would my parents say, what would they think? What if I couldn't find another girl? What if they thought I was like Roxas? Would they shun me too? Would they scorn me to the point that I would want to move thousand of mile away just to be away from them. I need a girlfriend, I need Kairi. "Please don't leave me Kairi. I'll try harder, just don't leave. I need you."

Kairi placed her hands on either side of my face and brought her head down touching her lips to mine. "I'm not leaving you. I still love you, and I'm going to fight for you forever." When Kairi's hands trailed down my neck and across my arms my heart began to race with panic, and I quickly shoved her away from me. With a hurt expression she looked up at me from the floor, "Why won't you let me see you without a shirt on? You're my boyfriend and I've only seen your face, your hands, and occasionally your feet."

"I'm shy?" I tried as I readjusted my sleeves making sure everything was covered.

"Shy? You're the most outgoing person I know." Kairi answered skeptically.

"I'm sorry Kairi."

"It's okay Sora, it's all a matter of patience. You'll trust and love me one day. I know you will." Kairi spoke as she kneeled in front of me and wrapped her arms around my waist. My arms didn't move from my sides. They never did. "I'm going to go fix my makeup and we can see the movie, okay?"

"Okay." I nodded numbly as Kairi walked into my bathroom. I may appear to be a happy young adult, with a loving girlfriend, going to a great college, to everyone who meets me, and everyone who knows me, but on the inside I'm numb, dead to the world. I want to feel something real, anything real. I want to love Kairi and enjoy her company, but I feel so numb. I just want to feel.

AN: Okay, first of all, 8,000+ words, longest chapter ever. So yes, long wait, but I gave you and extra long chapter, that took over ten hours to type. Though I suppose there was a bit too much Akuroku, and I left the Zemyx on a cliffhanger so I could fit SoKairi in. Yup, well, I hope you like this chapter anyway. And I will try to get chap 9 up asap, since I feel this cliffhanger is cruel. And I've already guessed that this story is gonna be shorter than my other stories cuz the chaps are so long.

Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts, they are greatly appreciated.


	9. Life Doesn’t Hand Out Miracles

AN: Once upon a time, I got angry and depressed, and I wrote a one shot where I killed Demyx. Now I present to you, chapter nine, of that same one shot…

Warning: Self Mutilation (you had to see that coming)

Music: Skillet "Sometimes" "Last Night", and a few more. Otep "Perfectly Flawed". Leona Lewis. And Avril Lavigne.

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to kill any character I wish. Though I do not technically own them, I control their actions, and what I do to them, reflects upon my mood. Also, I don't own any of that music.

**Chapter Nine: Life Doesn't Hand Out Miracles**

Sometimes feeling something means taking matters into your own hands. And what might be taboo to the people around you becomes your only relief, the only thing that makes you feel. And I really need to feel, I just need to feel something, anything. I'm aware Kairi is holding my right hand, and there's popcorn in my left, but I just don't feel anything. When did this happen to me?

I should be able to laugh with Kairi when something funny happens on the large screen in front of us, but I can only fake it. My arm should be sneaking around Kairi's shoulder but it's not. I'm just so empty. Once again the theatre erupted in laughter all around me, and I was forced to go along with it, though I had no idea what was so funny. I couldn't really say I was sad either, I was just nothing, I was completely unfeeling. Do I even exist? Am I really sitting here? Who's to say I'm not some shade going about pretending to live because I have nothing better to do. Actually, that sounds exactly like me. "Kairi, I'll be right back. Bathroom." I pointed to the exit and she nodded her understanding.

As I numbly walked out of the theatre, I grabbed my arm and ran my thumb over the underside of it, a habit I had gotten into whenever I wanted to make myself feel. I really should love Kairi, she deserves so much better than me. But sometimes I do things I don't really want to, because I want someone to be as messed up as me, I want someone to understand this numbness that I feel. Or don't feel I suppose. It's cruel, and I know it, but I want to feel better when Kairi holds me, I don't want to be jealous of her happiness. And that results in my tantrums, and that beautiful, loving woman getting hurt over and over. But she always forgives me. What am I going to do when she doesn't?

The morbid thoughts of what would happen to me if Kairi left me filled my head as I entered the bathroom. I briefly caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I made my way towards the stalls. My eyes looked dead. I looked dead. Sure my hair was fluffy and spiked like usual, my teeth brushed, face washed, highly presentable, but dead. It's like I'm here but not. I couldn't believe no one had randomly pressed their fingers against my neck and checked my pulse, just to make sure. I wasn't even sure.

I locked myself in a stall, ignoring the men at the urinals, leaned against the door and threw my head back. The worst thing about not feeling is not being able to cry. When I told my entire high school that Roxas was gay, to take the attention off me, I felt guilty, and I cried. I cried a lot, so much in fact, that I thought I'd run out of tears. But I never did. I always had more tears to shed. But they never made me feel better. And that's when it started.

Every time I said something cruel, it resulted in five. Every time I made him cry earned me ten. And when I heard him cry himself to sleep, I did it until he was done, and I didn't allow myself to sleep. I didn't deserve to sleep when my twin is crying because I couldn't handle it if my parents knew the truth about me. I had to be perfect for them. They could never know I was in love with my best friend. They couldn't know that the only reason I joined sports was to be with _him_. Yes him, not her. But after everything they told Roxas, I couldn't tell them. I was weak when I should have stuck up for my brother.

Instead of doing what I should have, I told the school my brother's secret. I teased him along with everyone else; I watched my friends kick the shit out of him and did nothing to stop it. And after four years of having a crush on my best friend, when he finally realized it, and kissed me for the first time…I-I shoved him away and told him to get out, one fag was more than enough for one household. My parents were shocked. How could that good boy Riku, be homosexual. But at least they had one good son; a _normal_ son, who didn't associate with the wrong type. My betrayal to Riku earned me twenty, ten on each arm, and they to this day are the deepest.

At some point I lost my ability to feel anything other than these punishments. Eventually it stopped being a punishment and turned into a sense of relief. It was a way to wake me up from the coma I'd fallen into. I needed to wake up now. I needed to feel something. I needed my release.

Reaching deep into my jacket pocket, I searched for the tiny piece of metal that I carried with me wherever I went. When my fingers brushed over the cool smooth surface of the razor, the first sense of release washed over me, and I gripped it tightly. After the razor blade was freed from the confines of my jacket I rolled my sleeve up, and stared at the ragged mess that made up my abused arm. Some were closed and almost forgotten, others were infected from being reopened so many times, and a few were still open and oozing from the last time.

With a skill, perfected over years of punishment and release, I brought the blade down on my wrist and opened one of the forgotten scars. Immediately, I could feel the stinging pain of the blade slicing from one side of my wrist to the other, and the enormous guilt of everything I've ever done flooded through me. Guilt from m betrayal to my own twin and to Riku, for what I've done to Kairi, for feeling this way towards men, not women, for being so weak, so lost, so numb, so empty, that I need to sneak into a bathroom and slice my wrist open while on a date with my girlfriend. No, this doesn't make me feel good, but it makes me feel. And that's all I wanted, just to feel, to feel anything.

One cut was never enough, and lately I needed it more and more. Sometimes I even did it more than once in a day, because I always needed more, and right now was one of those moments. I wasn't nearly fulfilled, I needed another release, so I continued to bring the blade down, continued to slice it through my scared skin, continued to watch the blood seep out and drip to the ground. When I ran out of room I switched arms. And even though the voice in my head told me to stop, that it was too much, I continued. I wanted to feel the guilt, because it was better than being numb, and I wanted the pain because I knew I deserved it.

No slice of the blade could ever fix anything. I'd done too much wrong, and I could never right them. I'd thought of cutting just a bit deeper, removing the problem that is me from the world, but that wouldn't fix anything either. Besides, I deserved to live with this guilt. I deserved to feel empty. I deserved to live this hell. These thoughts and more rushed through my head as the blade slipped from my hand and blackness started to take over my vision. Before I knew what was happening my legs gave out and my head slammed onto the dirty, cold, blood covered tile floor. I guess the voice was right. That was too much.

oOo

Sora's taking too long. In all the time we've dated it's been quite common for him to take forever in the bathroom but this was getting ridiculous. I knew something was wrong with Sora, there was something he wasn't telling us. And I've been trying to be patient with him. I was allowing him to come to me when he was ready. But his disappearance is starting to worry me.

This is all Roxas' fault. When he came out, Sora changed. Then that bastard Riku made a move on poor Sora. My darling Sora has been traumatized. First his brother, then his best friend. I thought for sure when those two moved away that Sora would improve, but he didn't. He continued to fake happiness, very well I might add. He had everyone fooled. All of our friends, his parents, our teachers, I was the only person who noticed that the book's cover doesn't match what's inside. That all smiles and sunshine surface, opens to reveal a hurricane of emotions. I still haven't figured out how to translate the text, but I've been trying my best to help him. I just want him to trust me, then I can put him back together.

I looked at my light pink watch for the umpteenth time and sighed. I had to find him. I could feel it in my heart, something was wrong. I walked down the ugly carpeted halls, searching for any sign of Sora, until finally I came across the men's bathroom. "Excuse me?" I asked an employee and he gave me a questioning look. "Did you see a young guy, kind of short, with blue eyes, and spiky brown hair go in there?" I pointed into the men's room.

"Uh, yeah, a little while ago." The man answered me.

"Did he ever come out?"

"Um no, I don't think he did."

My stomach instantly sank. Maybe he just missed him? Maybe Sora was in the car waiting for me. Maybe everything was okay. Maybe this feeling was for nothing. But still, without thinking of consequences, I rushed forward down the hallway and into the men's bathroom, completely ignoring the employee running behind me, telling me I couldn't go in there. My love was in here and I could tell he was in trouble, something was terribly wrong.

My feet carried me faster than they ever had before; all in an attempt to get to the man I loved more than life itself. Finally after what seemed like an eternity of running I turned the corner into the bathroom and saw…nothing, sinks, stalls, urinals, all normal things to find in a bathroom. I was beginning to think maybe just maybe I'd been worried for nothing when I looked down and immediately screamed, "Sora!" Then man behind me told someone to call an ambulance and rushed away while I walked closer.

The first thing I saw was the blood coming from under a stall towards the back of the bathroom. Blood shouldn't be in here, especially fresh blood. And then I saw it, an arm lying in that newly shed blood, attached to a very recognizable hand, that still had the ring I gave him on his thumb. "Oh my God, Sora." I cried as I picked up speed to reach him, the coppery smell of blood getting stronger the closer I got to him. As soon as I reached him, I fell to my knees and pulled him out from under the door. "Sora, Sora, wake up." I cried again, but he didn't move. He remained limp in my arms.

Quickly, I tore my white, light pink stripped sweater off and wrapped it around Sora's blood soaked arms. Why didn't I know how bad it was? How had I not realized. I should have known. I saw that he wasn't as happy as he appeared; I thought it was weird that he always wore long sleeves, and the way he kept disappearing. This is my fault, I should have asked more questions, I should have paid more attention, I should have been a better girlfriend. But that was the past I had to do what I could do for him now.

While continuing to hold my newly bought sweater to Sora's wrist, I pulled my phone out, dialed the first number I could think of, and tried to compose myself by the time it was answered. "Hello, Strife household, how can…"

"H-he…b-blood…and I…I'm, h-he…Mrs. S-strife, what d-do I-I d-do?" Apparently I failed at composing myself, but it's a very difficult thing to do when your boyfriend is bleeding to death in your arms.

"Kairi sweetie, you need to calm down, now try it again. What is wrong?" Mrs. Strife's calming voice came through the phone and I took a few deep breaths.

"Sora is bleeding…a lot, and I'm scared. I don't know what to do and he won't wake up."

"Kairi, did you call 911?"

"Um, no?"

"Do that now, don't call me first!"

Oh my God, how could I be so stupid? Without saying good bye, I hung up and started dialing those three numbers, just as two paramedics walked in with a stretcher. "Oh thank God!" I exclaimed. The paramedics can save him, right? No matter how bad it seems, they have to save him, right? Right?

oOo

He was going to kill himself. And he was going to do it in the place he went to yesterday, I thought as I ripped out of Axel's parking space narrowly missing a car I hadn't been paying attention to, and ignoring their blaring honk. Well, mostly ignoring it, with one bloody finger I let them know their message had been heard, and that I don't really give a flying fuck. Working all three pedals with what little experience I had, I tore through the parking lot at top speeds, forcing students to jump out of my way. I was vaguely aware that my arm was still bleeding, but I didn't care. Nor did I care that I'd caught the attention of the campus police, I just kept driving.

That slow, determined walk that said Demyx both had a purpose and none at all told me his intentions. Some people may have missed it, but I knew. I knew his plans just as well as him. Or I would have, if I knew where the hell he was going. I knew he turned left out of the lot, but other than that I had no idea. I had to get in his head and figure out where the hell he was going. If I made the wrong choice, he was gone. I wouldn't reach him in time, and he'd be lost forever. I'd never be able to tell him how much I love him. I'd never be able to convince him that he's the most beautiful interesting and astonishing person I've ever met. _I'll never be able to tell him that he saved my life._

It all came down to this decision; if I were Demyx, where would I go to die? More specifically, where would I go to die, in this direction? Well, he can get to his home going in this direction, but that's too far. Maybe he'll want to be symbolic and go to the stadium where he and Axel had their first date. No, that doesn't sound like Dems. Fuck! Okay, new direction; if I were Demyx, how would I want to die? He wouldn't cut, I knew that. He can't even hurt a fly. And he'd want to make sure it worked the first time, so hanging's out, so is shooting. He could miss, plus he doesn't own a gun. He wouldn't want to be able to back out of his decision either. And then it hit me; He's going to the cliffs.

I rapidly shifted gears and floored it now that I knew where I was going. If I was wrong in this, Demyx was lost to me forever, if I was right, I may be able to save him. If only the damn fucking cars would get the hell out of my way! Screw no passing zone, ignoring all laws and my own safety I started passing cars. My only thoughts were of Demyx. I had to find his piece of shit car, and I was grateful that Axel's chevelle could lap Demyx's beater any day. That gave me just one more advantage, one more chance to get to him in time.

I desperately continued to weave in and out of cars, leaving a trail of collisions in my wake, and not caring in the least. It was almost frightening, how I could be so worried for one person and not give the tiniest damn about anyone else, or myself. My only goal was Demyx, and it seemed nothing would be getting in the way of that. Or so I thought. As I flew around a sharp curve I had to slam on Axel's breaks when I was met with a jam of red lights. Construction, just what I needed. By the looks of it they were paving one side of the road so it was down to one lane and there were four cars waiting in front of me.

I gripped the wheel tightly, unable to do anything else as the flagger continued to wave the other side pass. Didn't they realize a life was in danger, have they no idea what kind of a hurry I'm in? I could actually feel the adrenaline rushing through me. My body was tingling and jumpy, my heart was racing, the blood on my hand was still trickling down my arm, though it had dried in some areas, and my feet lay waiting at the pedals for the moment I was give n the go ahead. Just as I was starting to get unbearably impatient, I saw the flagger tell the other side to stop and I ripped out of my spot and tore down the one way street, earning fingers, beeps, and yells from the cars who were supposed to go ahead of me, not to mention the furious fist shaking of the flaggers, whom I'd completely ignored. But I still didn't care. The only thing I concerned myself with was Demyx living another day.

Once back on the right side of the road I floored it again, and thanks to the minor block of traffic, I would make good distance before I ran into more cars again. Damn them all to hell for getting in my way. I continued to easily pass any car I came across, only playing a few games of chicken, in which I always won, until finally, I saw it. That blue, no red, or maroon, whatever; that 1989, blue with red sparkles and random spots of rust, beat to shit Sundance gave me hope that I still had time.

I had a chance. I might still be able to save him. The only problem; that crappy car can move better than I realized and he's almost to the cliffs. I pressed the gas, which was already pressed to the floor, with all my strength to no avail. I just couldn't move faster. My adrenaline was speeding up, my heart continued to race, I was getting closer to Demyx, so close. It felt like it was taking eternity, but he wasn't driving as fast s me, and I was catching up.

Finally, I was only two cares behind the Sundance, and I could almost see him in my arms again, hear his voice, feel his breath against my neck, his hands in my hair and slinking down my back. I had so much more to do with Demyx. I couldn't lose him. I hadn't told him everything I had to say, I haven't held him nearly long enough. Nor have I looked upon him as many times as I'd like. Axel had his chance, but I have yet to show Demyx everything I have to give. My heart and soul, I put it all into every little thing I do for him. He needs to know, needs to realize, he is not disposable. If he leaves, the world may not cry, but I will.

My heart sunk as Demyx reached the cliffs, and I still had two cars blocking my path, while a semi was coming from the other direction. I honked my horn, bumped into their bumper, but they only went slower, and I was left to watch as Demyx sped across the cliff, not slowing down in the least. I felt the tears falling down my face as I continued my attempt to pass these god awful cars. It would take a miracle to save him now. Unfortunately, life doesn't hand out miracles.

oOo

"You think we should do what!?" I heard Mrs. Strife yell from inside Sora's hospital room.

"I think he needs a break Liz." Mr. Stirfe answered in a calm and mild manner.

"Oh great, our son nearly dies, by his own hand, so let's sent him away! He needs us now more than ever. He doesn't need a break, a break from what!?"

"Liz, we had no idea what was going on with him. We thought he was happy. He was always surrounded by friends, hanging out with his girlfriend, and smiling, there were no clues. He needs a break from pretending. He needs to be somewhere that he can start over fresh, and not have to worry about putting on a show for everyone." No, no, no, they can't take Sora away from me. What are they thinking? I almost lost him and they want to send him away. How am I going to make him happy if he's not near me?

"How am I going to take care of my baby if he's so far away?" Mrs. Strife demanded in a soft voice.

"I'm calling Cloud tonight and having him drive Sora to Roxas' school tomorrow."

"That soon?"

"When you have money protocol doesn't always apply."

"I wasn't talking about how you got him into the school. I meant we barely have time to say good bye." I heard a sigh and then the rusting of clothing. Why, why, did she back down? Why is Mrs. Strife letting him send her son away?

"Okay Liz. We'll keep him home this week, and have him at the new college by Saturday. Is that enough time?"

"It'll have to be." Mrs. Strife surrendered. I can't believe they're sending him away, and to that crappy brother of his no less. The want him to kill himself don't they?

After Mr. and Mrs. Strife left the room, each giving me a hug before walking away, I tentatively moved into the room and sat down in a chair next to Sora's bed. You would never know by looking at him in his sleep, just how depressed he was. Of course, we hadn't even known when he was awake. It really made me wonder what had gone so horribly wrong. How did we get to this point?

It had to be a nightmare. I wasn't really sitting next to my boyfriend's hospital bed, and underneath those bandages, a battlefield of scars and stitches didn't await my reluctant eyes. The arms he'd been hiding from me for four years were perfectly smooth, normal, and unmarred, he was just shy, like he said, just shy. That had to be it. Sora was too happy to do this to himself. This all had to be a horrible nightmare. That was the only answer.

With tears filling my eyes I leaned over Sora's sleeping body and rested my head against his chest, allowing my tears to fall. It hurt so bad to know he'd been suffering this entire time, and even worse to know that I had missed it. Roxas started all of this. Everything was fine until that asshole caused problems. He would pay for this, for everything he's done to Sora.

I jumped and sucked in a breath of air when I felt fingers thread through my hair. Was Sora actually touching me, without me telling him to? He'd actually taken the initiative to run his hand through my hair, the way I'd always wanted him to. I lifted my head and met his sad cerulean eyes. I could see it now. He wasn't bothering to hide his true feelings anymore. When my eyes met the emptiness of his, I knew, this boy is depressed, he is lost and he needs help. This is not a dream. This is real, and it is serious. "Sora?"

"I'm sorry Kairi." He whispered to me in a broken voice. It was like he cut away all the layers that had hid him from the world for so long while he was in that bathroom, and all that was left was the real him; the Sora that has been hiding from us this entire time, the Sora that is screaming for help.

"Why didn't you tell me Sora?" I asked, taking one of his hands in my own and climbing on the edge of the bed.

oOo

"Why didn't you tell me Sora?" Kairi asked as she climbed onto the bed with me. She still had tears in her eyes, which made me feel real guilty about getting caught. I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted anyone to have to know about this. It was supposed to stay secret, but I fucked up.

"I'm sorry Kairi…"

"Don't you dare say, 'I wanted to tell you, I just couldn't'!"

"I wasn't going to Kairi. I never wanted to tell you. I never wanted anyone to know. I'm a perfectionist, and having you all know what I've been doing to make myself feel, ruins that façade of the perfect happy young guy, with a loving girlfriend, and amazing fault free life." I admitted and Kairi's saddened face quickly turned to rage.

"Sora, I would have helped you!" I nodded and allowed her to believe that delusion. "Did you talk to your parents?"

"They're here?!" How disappointed are they in me?

"Of course. I called them. I was really scared Sora."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to Kairi." I really hadn't. I didn't want anyone to be burdened by me. "No I did not talk to my parents."

"They're sending you away. Sora, they're taking you away from me!" Kairi threw herself around my neck, kissing every part of my face she could reach, while I did nothing. I was too shocked to move. Why were they sending me away? Was I going to an insane asylum? I'm not insane! I'm not even suicidal. It was an accident, an accident. I don't want to die, I just want to feel!

I've spent my entire life being perfect for my parents. I did everything in my power to be the perfect son for them. I pushed myself over the edge to get straight A's. I cleaned and helped around the house as much as possible. I convince them I wasn't completely head over heels in love with my best friend. I destroyed my twin brother to keep my parents from finding out I'm not their perfect son. Roxas had already told them he was different. I didn't want them to know I was broken too.

If I told them, they'd look at me different. I couldn't bare that. It was better to be unhappy than to face that judgment from my parents and all of the people who were supposed to be my friends. What I should have done, was stay quiet about Roxas, tell Riku nicely, that I wasn't interested, and not immediately go to Kairi and ask her if she'd like to go out. I never should have gotten others involved. But I panicked. I thought if I didn't have a girlfriend they'd figure out that there's something wrong with me. I thought if I was accepting of Roxas, that they'd find out it's because I'm the same as him. I couldn't let Riku kiss me, despite it being the best moment of my life, because my parents may have walked in. All I ever wanted was to be their prefect boy, but I can't be that and be gay. And now, because I hurt myself so that I could feel, they're putting me in a crazy house. Do they even love me anymore? Is cutting worse than being gay? "Where are the sending me?" I asked quietly, fearing the answer.

"They're sending you to your brother's school. They seem to think you need a break." Kairi's distaste was clearly heard in her voice.

"R-r-roxas' school?" I asked. Thy couldn't send me there, not after everything I did to him. He chose that school to escape from us, from me. They couldn't do that to him. "I-I can't go there. H-he won't want me there."

"Who care what that fag wants or doesn't want. Sora what's important is what you need, and what you nee-…"

"What about what Roxas needs?! Roxas needs his space from me. He deserves to have time away from us, from me. And they're going to ruin that for him!"

"What about you Sora?!"

"Who cares about me!?"

"I do!"

"Well, I care about Roxas. And he doesn't need me getting in the way of his new start. I've had it so easy compared to him. When he moved away, I was happy, not because the 'fag' was leaving town. No, I was happy, because I knew anywhere was better than here. I knew that he was getting a second chance. And now they're going to ruin it for him!"

"Sor-…"

"It's not fair!" Tears started rolling down my face. "He was shunned for being who he is, for not hiding himself from the world. And I was praised for being the good child but that's not what I am. It was all a lie. Roxas' life sucked because he told the truth, and I was pampered for lying. Roxas should be allowed his independence. I'd rather be sent to a nut house, than ruin his life again."

"How can you say that Sora? Your whole life wasn't a lie, you just had a secret. But now we know. We know about your 'problem' and we still love you. What's not fair is your parents sending you away. Roxas isn't even involved in this. It's all about you."

"It's always about me! Why is it always about me? You know what Kairi, you don't know what my problem is. I'm still lying to you all. And I don't want to hear one more word about Roxas not mattering!" I pushed Kairi off of me, threw the blankets off of my legs, and pulled my IV out, which wasn't really a good idea. I now had blood everywhere, because as it turns out, that was a transfusion IV. Oh well, I stood up and faced a very concerned looking Kairi, "One more thing, I admire my brother, for doing what I never could!" Then I turned around intending to leave, only to be stopped by the nurse watching me.

"Back in bed child." She demanded and I scrunched my face, trying to look frustrated and intimidating at the same time. But the smile on the young nurses face told me I was about as intimidating as a kitten. "You're cute. Bed!" She insisted once more.

I raised my index finger in her face and opened my mouth to tell the nurse that dared to laugh at my mean face just what I thought of her demands. Unfortunately, black spots started to fill my vision and the last thing I saw was the nurse's hands trying to catch me.

oOo

My eyes slowly flittered open and met the horrifying site of the supposedly white hospital ceiling. It looked gray in my opinion, but whatever. When my eyes landed on the fluorescent light I let out a groan and threw my hand over my eyes. At least whatever was underneath me was soft, somebody must have put me back on the bed. "Sora?" Oh God, what now?! I let out another groan and rolled over in the opposite direction of the voice, "Sora!"

"What Dad?" I submitted. What else could I do? He's my dad, what he says goes.

"Kairi said she told you our plans?" My heart was breaking. He didn't sound the least bit angry. It was all disappointment. And in my world, rejection and disappointment were the worst possible outcomes of any situation.

"I can't go to Roxas' school. He went there to get away from us." I explained quietly, putting on my best 'I'm so sorry I'm the worst son in the world' voice.

"Sora, you are hurting yourself, and I don't know why, nor do I understand why you're doing it. But you have no choice in this. You are going to Roxas' school. I think it will be good for you. It'll be a new start for you. And Sora, I know you miss Roxas, despite his…abnormalities. You've been hiding your feelings for a while now, I think it's time you do something for you. You want to see your brother don't you?"

I do. In fact, one night, after a particularly bad punishment I'd give myself, I wanted, no needed Roxas so bad that I'd packed my bags and stole my parent's car. I didn't even make it to the halfway point however, when Kairi called. Her dad was in a mood again, and she needed somewhere to go. I immediately turned the car around and met her at my house. That was the closest I'd ever gotten to Roxas. But I think about him every day. He's my place to run to, my shelter from the storm, my shoulder to cry on. And I betrayed him to help myself. I wanted nothing more that to make it up to him, to beg at his feet, and convince him how awful I know I am. I feel like part of me is missing without him. Maybe it is about time we get put back together, but what if that's not what he wants?

"Well, no matter what you want, Cloud's taking you to Roxas' college Friday, and you'll be there by Saturday morning." My dad stated. I'm going to see Roxas…in one week. I was both excited and worried. How would he feel about this? Does he even like me anymore? How could he? I'm an asshole. "You're going to share a room with him. I've sorted everything out already."

"Okay." I said quietly.

"Sora, doesn't your friend Riku go to the same college as Roxas?" My mother asked.

Shit!

oOo

After a few more moments of sitting quietly on the bathroom floor, Roxas and I finally left. We were feeling better after having talked; he just had a weird way of being able to calm me down. Yet another reason I was becoming more and more obsessed with him. "So Roxy, do you want to go to the cafeteria, or my room?"

"In your extraordinarily friendly mood, I think your room might be dangerous." Roxas smirked.

"I might take offense to that." I said as I wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Somehow I doubt that." Roxas commented as he shoved my arm off of himself, only to have me replace it once again.

"Well, at some point you'll have to come back to my room with me, you left your stuff there." Roxas shook his head and laughed.

"You'll do anything to get me in your room again, huh?'

"Maybe." After that we feel silent and I followed Roxas, who happened to be moving in the direction of my dorm. I couldn't help that my eyes just happened to linger on his ass the entire way. Was he actually going to lead me to my room? I didn't have any bad intentions; I really wasn't planning on ravishing him…yet. But just to know he might trust me enough to go back to my room with me was nice. Maybe I could get him to spend more time with me in there. Maybe one day I can trust myself not to destroy his life like I did Demyx's.

"Hey Axel?"

"Hmm."

"Why'd you get those tattoos?" Roxas asked so innocently, so adorably that he was making it incredibly difficult for me not to jump him right here and now.

"Summer break before senior year, I got drunk. Zexion, the ever sober and responsible one, thought it'd be funny to dare me to get my face tattooed. This," I pointed just beneath my eyes, "Is the result." Roxas immediate fell into hysterical laughter again. Why is it that he always seems to be laughing at me? He was doubled over in the middle of the hallway, attracting eyes, and laughing his ass off without care of what anyone thought of him. It kind of reminded me of myself. "What's so funny Roxy?"

"You," Roxas, still clutching his stomach pointed a finger at me, "Y-you, got y-your f-face tattooed, o-on a dare."

"I don't find it funny." I mumbled as Roxas continued to laugh. Honesty, isn't he going to run out of air soon? "Besides, it's damn sexy."

"I-if I dared you to drive off a cliff, would you do it?" Roxas asked after recovering a bit.

"Honestly, if I was drunk enough, yes." That shut all of his laughter up and he stood up straight and tall, or as tall as he could appear.

"Hmm," Roxas placed his index finger on his lips as his face turned thoughtful. "That's not good. I think…yeah, I think you are no longer allowed to drink, you are going to be drug and alcohol free from now on." My jaw dropped as Roxas clapped his hands together in finalization. "Don't worry, I'll help you."

"Wait, wait, wait! Hold up just a minute." I commanded as Roxas started walking way. Using more that my usual amount of hand gestures I began to telling Roxas exactly why he couldn't tell me what to do. Then out of nowhere, in a completely unexpected act, Roxas grabbed my wrists, forcing my arm gestures to a standstill, and pulled me towards him so our faces were only about five inches apart, effectively shutting up my rant.

Slowly a smile covered his face, and he spoke, "I just wanted to see if you could keep talking," He momentarily looked down at my hands and continued, "I guess you can't."

I was shocked. I was violated. I was, I was seriously turned on. Roxas was still holding my wrists and I could only stare at him. There were no limits to what he would do or say to me, and I loved it. Demyx would never be so bold, but Roxas…Ah, Roxas wouldn't be afraid to challenge me. When Roxas finally dropped my arms I regained my composure and stuck a finger in his face, " I was ranting at you."

"Yeah, well, I lost interest when I realized I don't care. You're not going to drink anymore, and that's final."

God I love this man, but what gives him the right. I turned away from the blond in an attempt to storm away. It would have been epic, the perfect exit, except someone got in my path and when I kept walking and this brown haired midget stood still we both tumbled to the floor in a tangle heap. I heard the kid I was on top of squeek in pain and as I worked to untangle our legs I apologized, "Sorry man didn't see you. But really what the hell?! Couldn't you tell I was attempting to make a dramatic exit?!" Truly, when you see someone trying to storm away, you can tell, and you get out of their way. What was this kid thinking, standing behind in my getaway path.

"Um, n-no, sorry, I…um."

I then I turned around and saw the stuttering kid just as Roxas spoke, "Sora."

**AN: Ah, cliffhangers, what a glorious invention.**

**Wouldn't it be awesome if I ended the story here? -evil thoughts- I'm just kidding. There's a bit more left, I have two more chapters planned out. So, no worries, you'll get another chapter (which is actually halfway written already).**

**And the bathroom returns. ^_^ At some point I need to fix that. Or maybe I'll just change the title to "Bathroom Confessions and Revelations" instead of "Details".**

**I do hope I haven't lost any of you. I promise, there will be more Zexion in the next chapter.**

**Thanks for any and all reviews favs and alerts.**


	10. Love Won’t Let Me

AN: I'm not dead…as far as I know. I haven't actually been doing absolutely nothing. I wrote a Christmas oneshot in seven parts. It was like 17,000 words I think. So I haven't been completely lazy, just mostly lazy. And this chapter has actually been written for a few weeks I just didn't feel like typing, however I took a few days off of AIM and sat down, and typed. Almost 9,000 words later, here is the long awaited chapter ten.

You didn't actually think I'd start this chapter with Zexion, did you? I'm just not that nice, here's Roxas.

**Chapter Ten: Love Won't Let Me**

I watched with a smirk on my face as Axel turned away from me and immediately collided with someone standing behind him. I was able to suppress my laughter until I saw movement in the pile of tangled human limbs on the floor. But as soon as I knew they were okay, I was laughing up a storm. I'm pretty sure that's not the exit Axel had planned. Both bodies were face down on the dirty hallway floor, with Axel lying on top of the small, unfortunate brunette. As I stepped forward to help them to their feet I noticed the very familiar spike to the brunette's hair, and the very similar shape to his body. My laughter immediately stopped and all attempts at helping them were lost.

I slowly backed a few steps away from the pile of humans. This couldn't be happening. He was not here. This was my new start, how could he ruin this for me? I closed my eyes willing the small brunette away when I heard Axel speak, "Sorry man, didn't see you." How could he not see him? Everyone notices _him._ As far as I know Axel's not blind, and _he _is impossible to miss, so Axel must have seen him. Maybe he just wanted to see what it felt like to lay on top of him. "But really, what the hell?! Couldn't you tell I was attempting to make a dramatic exit?!"

"Um, n-no, sorry, I…um." That's him. There's no doubt about it. That is my brother's voice, I can tell, even with the uncharacteristic stuttering and the complete lack of confidence, my eyes closed, and the entire building around us having their own conversations, I knew it was him. Why did I ever think it'd be possible to have a second chance, to just forget about high school and live in the now? That just wasn't possible for me; of course he had to come here. But I had one comfort in this school, no one seemed to care that I was gay. I haven't been hiding that fact, and no one had done a damn thing about it. It was refreshing, and like two days in a desert without, Sora had dehydrated me once again. Did he hate me that much?

I let out a sigh, attempting to calm myself I looked up, in search of Axel. He was now sitting on the floor with one leg extended and one knee slightly pulled up. I immediately looked to his eyes for strength, and they were already there for me, already watching me for any signs that they may be needed. The green eyes gave me the power to step forward. "Sora." I said, causing my brother, who was sitting on his knees, to twist his head around and meet my eyes. I could try to hate him all I wanted, for everything he's done but for the life of me I couldn't. The honest truth is, despite his betrayal, despite the cruel taunts, despite everything, I love my brother, and I've missed him. I wanted to hug him, more than anything, but I resisted. That only led to him shoving me away and telling me he wasn't in to twincest, and my fruity ass better stay away from him.

However, as soon as his eyes met mine I saw tears form, and he threw his arms around my waist and cried "Roxas." Clinging tighter to me, Sora placed his chin on my stomach and continued to look up into my eyes, while tears fell from his. I had no idea what the brunette was going to do so I did all I could think of. I placed a nervous hand on his back and glanced at Axel for some form of support. The redhead unfortunately was no help. Rather than being someone I could lean on, he was looking quite baffled at the exchange that had just gone down, and I found it adorable. Somehow it no longer mattered that he wasn't exactly oozing strength for me, because for some reason, confusion and shock fit his face perfectly and I just couldn't get enough of it. All worries left when I looked at him, and that particular face always brought me joy. It's one of the reasons I grabbed his arms in the hall. I just love to surprise him and get that incredibly cute look to cross his face and bring a smile to mine. That and I just wanted to see if he could talk without moving his hands, as it turns out he can't.

"Um, Axel, this is my brother, Sora. The one I just told you about." The confusion immediately left his face as his eyes looked away from me and sent a murderous glare into the back of Sora's head.

"Is it now? Let me kill him." Axel said as he stood up and took a threatening step forward, which caused Sora to maneuver himself around me to hide from the angry redhead. His arms were still wrapped around me and I could feel him shaking. Sora had never received a beating before so he no doubt, had no idea what to prepare himself for. I however knew exactly what could happen in this sort of situation and allowed him to continue to cower behind me.

"Axel!" I scolded my redhead. Wait, my redhead? I shook the thought away and continued to glare at him for even thinking of being a bully. I hated bullies.

"He's an asshole Roxas." Okay, maybe he's not a complete bully; he's just defending me, for everything that was done to me. But still, I don't like to promote beatings, no matter how much I think Sora probably deserves it. At least, I don't think I like to promote it.

"That doesn't mean you can kill him." I shoved Axel away as he tried to reach a hand around me to grab Sora who squeaked and continued to use me as a shield.

"Can I hurt him?" Axel nearly begged me when he gave up on grabbing Sora. It was almost irresistible to deny him, maybe a little too irresistible.

"Hmm…well, maybe a little." I allowed and watched as an enormous evil grin overtook Axel's face. For some reason that facial expression on him made me want to throw him on his bed and please him in every way possible before allowing him to have his way with me. Once again I was shaking thoughts of Axel out of my head. What am I thinking calling him mine and having dirty day dreams about him?

"What?!" Sora cried out from behind me as Axel reached his hand around my body, causing me to have a brief flashback of the bedroom fantasy. However, I snapped out of it and grabbed Axels arm before he could get to my brother.

"Wait! I lied, you can't hurt him Axel. He's my asshole brother, and gods know why, but I love him. So be nice." I couldn't hold back my laughter as the expression on Axel's face turned to that of a child whose balloon had just floated away. Yet another face that seemed to suit him perfectly. How can one person look so damn sexy in everything he does?

"First you tell me I can't drink," Axel began as he retracted his hand, "Now you tell me I can't hurt _him_. What's next?" He threw his arms out and let them crash back to his sides like a penguin trying to fly. "Are you going to tell me I can't have sex anymore?!" I continued to laugh the entire time he was talking. His voice was on the border line of sounding completely insane, and Sora was trembling horribly behind, but I found so much humor in the whole situation. I loved to laugh, and I hadn't been able to do it for years, this was a blessing to me. Plus, I found a new way to shock Axel.

"Actually…" I couldn't help it. I had to mess with him. It was just too much fun, and he made it too easy.

"No! No, no, no!" Axel crossed his arms over one another to accentuate the fact that there was no way in hell this was happening. "I draw the line at that. For you, I can quit drinking. For you I can control my rage. But there is no way I can become celibate for you!"

I felt Sora stand up behind me and whisper in my ear, "Is he your boyfriend?"

"No, he's just a friend." I whispered to Sora. Then I spoke to the redhead, "Relax Axel, I was kidding."

"Is he…okay?" Sora whispered hesitantly clutching my shoulder so he could get closer to me. "You know, like in the head?"

"For the most part." I answered, still watching Axel, and for some reason I was entranced by the steady rise and fall of his chest. And the way his fists were clenched tight along with every visible muscle on him, had me wanting to let him have his way with me on his bed again. Ugh, damn these creative fantasies. But alas, I could feel Sora breathing on the back of my neck and I desperately wanted to find out why he was here, in my school. I came here to get away from him, to find out if people could like me when he's not around. But no, I can't have that. He's come to take away my second chance. Before long, Axel's going to be hanging all over Sora and he really, would no longer be _my_ Axel, not that he was now. But I'd truly loose him. I'll be back to having zero friends. "Sora, why are you here?"

"Last weekend mom and dad decided I had to come here. They forced me, Roxas. I wanted to give you space. I wanted you to have your second start, but they threw me in Cloud's car, with one bag of clothing," Sora indicated the bag hanging off his shoulder, "And sent me away. Roxas I really didn't want you to have to deal with me again, but I have nowhere to go," Tears were now falling down Sora's face, "and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you, I'm just so sorry. And I don't even deserve your help. You should probably just leave me in the hallway and keep me out of your life."

"I thought you said he was a happy person. He seems quite depressing to me." Axel interrupted the silence.

"Shut up Axel. Sora, why did mom and dad send you here?" I asked gently as I turned around and pulled my brother into that hug I'd been dying to give him. I really had missed him, more than I'd like to admit.

"I-I'd rather not say, at least…not here." Sora murmured into my shoulder. What could possibly be so bad that mom and dad would send him away? Did he get Kairi pregnant?

"Um…Axel, why don't you go back to the cafeteria? I'm going to take Sora to my room, we need to talk. I'll come find you later." I spoke to my redhead, who was looking taken aback. It was almost like he was going to miss me, like he didn't want me to leave and was only being complacent because I asked it of him. But despite the almost rejected look on Axel's face, a look I did not want to see again, I turned away from him and began to drag my brother towards my room.

I was relatively sure that Axel would get over this and at the moment I was more concerned about Sora. His odd behavior was really worrying me. I'd never seen him like this before. He was…sad. No, not sad, miserable, and it was awful. He's supposed to be happy. I want to see him smile again. Like when we were kids. But first I had to find out what happened.

oOo

Why can't I get the image of Zexion chasing my car and the sound of his voice screaming my name out of my head? I'd never known Zexion to raise his voice, let alone shout. And yet, that's exactly what he did. He'd followed me out of the cafeteria, searched for me in the parking lot, and screamed for me to come back to him. And what did I do, I pulled my rearview mirror off so I wouldn't be weighed down by guilt, and I just kept driving. This is just one of the many reasons I'm better off dead. The world doesn't need me polluting it. _But Zexion might need you,_ the small voice in the back of my head whispered, so to speak.

Zexion's better off without me, right. Everyone is better without me. I know he is. He doesn't need me. That voice is just trying to confuse me, to get me to not do what I know I should do. I need to jump; it's the best thing for everyone. So why do I feel so guilty? Why do I want to turn this car around and just let Zexion hold me again? Why am I suddenly craving Zexion's scent, the soft touch of his skin against mine, the comforting feeling of his body heat gently warming me, his eyes looking so deep into my own that it made me feel like he was looking into my soul? I wanted it all, but I didn't deserve any of it. I should be punished just for having these thoughts. It's the same as me wishing Zexion a horrible, empty and miserable life, because that's all I can ever give anyone. That's why I'm going to drive off the cliff. Now I'll never be able to ruin Zexion's life. He'll live a long and prosperous life, I won't be able to destroy Axel's second chance, and finally, I'll be at peace. This was all for the best.

With renewed determination, I pressed down harder on my reluctant gas pedal, bringing myself closer to my destination, closer to my grave. Once again my thoughts drifted to the fact that I would no longer be drowning in the sea that continues to claim me, I'd just let it take me. But this time it was different. It'd been just about twenty four hours since I last took this drive, but everything was different. Rather than simply seeing myself disappear under the deep depths of that never ending ocean, I saw Zexion's hand reach for me. Before, I had only seen my death, and now there was an alternate ending.

As I continued to go through these images I couldn't help but realize that Zexion's boat would be weighed down by me if he actually succeeded in pulling me out. To get to shore he'd have to struggle the entire way. I couldn't do that to him, he deserved a guarantee that he'd make it to the island, and the only way that might happen is without me. Now the question is, when he gets to that island, can he handle being alone? Is it more beneficial for him to have a guarantee of making it, or to have a struggle along the way but a struggle that gives him someone to be with, a struggle that guarantees he won't be alone?

In the end, I decided that I wasn't the only person drowning. Zexion would meet many more people on his way to shore, and they would all have less baggage than me. It would be much simpler for him if he carried someone other than me to that island. Even after carefully thinking it though, I know Zexion is better off without me.

As I made a sharp turn I was incredibly grateful to see that the fluorescent yellow wearing flaggers were waving my side of the road through the construction. It would seem someone is on my side, and that statement was made even more apparent when my path to the cliff became clear of all cars. Pressing my foot to the ground I made my Sundance go as fast as it could possibly go. I was almost there. I am so close to being free from this unforgiving world.

Relief shot through me as I felt my tires hit the hard stone of the cliff. Just a few feet more and I'm free. Then in the corner of my eye I spotted a flash of rally red, a color I heard from Axel's mouth almost every day when he first painted his precious car, flash by me just before it pulled directly in front of my path. The only way I was going over the cliff was if I took that car and its driver with me.

Thanks to quick reflexes, I immediately slammed on my breaks, suppressed a groan of pain from the seatbelt cutting into my neck and chest, and cut the wheel to the left, making an awful scraping screech as the bumper of my car hit and slid across Axel's car. But there was no way that was Axel. He would never risk his precious baby for me.

oOo

I would not give up. A simple matter of impossibility could not stop me. I continued to press forward, slamming the front end of Axel's car into the car in front of me, while they continued to slow down. If I thought it'd help at all, I'd honk the horn, but that would do nothing other than waste valuable energy. I was getting so frustrated that I was beginning the think, if it were anyone other than me in this situation, they'd quit. But love wouldn't let me. I couldn't just turn around and walk away, I couldn't give up without fighting, just say goodbye after everything. I couldn't do that. I meant it when I told Axel I loved Demyx. No matter what I do, I can't give up on him. I'd die for that man, whether he loves me or not. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that he lives. Love won't let me be like everyone else in his life. It won't let me simply forget about him, because love has made him the most important person in the world to me.

Suddenly, as a result of some random miracle, the car in front of me lost control and swerved out of my path to Demyx taking the other car with it. My foot was on the gas faster than Cartman on KFC chicken and I was flying towards the cliff without the tiniest thought of just how dangerous this was. All I could think, all I could see, was Demyx in my arms again.

Hope filled every part of me as my tires hit the rock and I soon saw myself pass Demyx's piece of shit car. Then I pulled hard on the wheel, forcing Axel's Chevelle to a stop directly in Demyx's path. If he went, I was going too. I waited with my adrenaline rapidly coursing through me, for the collision that would send me to my death. I felt Axel's car lurch towards the edge of the cliff as Demyx hit me with the side of his car, scraping most of the paint off the redhead's most prized possession. I closed my eyes, fearing and accepting the unfortunate event of my untimely death, and thought of all the responsibilities I was leaving behind. What would my mother do without me? Who was going to take care of her? How could I do this to her…again? Sure, she never found out about the first time, but I'm still endangering my life, for someone who isn't her. Then my mind went to the captivating blond. Was he worth it? Was saving him truly worth all of the damage my death would cause. The answer was very simple. The answer came to me without hesitation. Yes, he was worth it. No, I'm not obsessed with him. Not like he was with Axel. I just truly love him, and nothing will ever change that. If I die he'll never know my secrets, he'll never know what he's done for me, and he may never know that I love him, but it was worth it.

When impending doom did not consume me, the realization hit me that today would not be the day of my death. I slowly opened my eyes and saw that Demyx had reacted fast enough that he hadn't hit me with enough force to push me over the edge. I watched as he put the Sundance into park, only a few feet from my front bumper. Then when both cars were completely still, I let my head fall to the steering wheel and let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding. Holy shit!

In an attempt to recover from the near death experience, I stayed in my current position, breathing in and out carefully. I almost died. And the only scary thing was that the actual death didn't scare me. What scared me was what would happen to the people who depended on me when I was gone. I'd just accepted it so willingly, almost as if it was a release from having to be everything for everyone. It was like all the weight was lifted. I didn't have to fix anyone's problems anymore, I didn't have to take care of anyone, I didn't have to think about me, not that I do that much. On any given occasion I try my damndest to ignore myself, and just think of others. But for a moment, just a small moment, I had felt the relief of no responsibilities…again. It was a dangerous thing to bring up those old feelings, but it was worth it, for Demyx it was worth it. And no doubt, Demyx felt some of the same things when he imagined jumping off the cliff.

After regulating my breathing and registering the events and my thoughts in my head, I finally lifted my head from the steering wheel. I felt a slight ache in my neck and could almost hear it creak from the stiffness I'd kept all day. It was amazing how much the thought of death was able to loosen everything, and yet, at the same time it worried me. I'd thought that was over. I thought he'd fixed it, just by saying hi to me. But it was back. Just with a small, tiny, no miniscule threat of death, it was back. The want the need it all came back with the force of a semi truck ramming into my numb body. Why was this happening again? I knew the answer. It didn't take rocket science. My savior was trying his hardest to leave this world, and I wanted to go with him. I couldn't imagine fighting without him, and my body, every part of my being was telling me just that.

With a practiced obedience, my head slowly turned, without the tiniest hint to the battle going on within myself, to look out the window that must have broken in the collision. I released yet another breath I hadn't been aware I was holding when I saw him. My Demyx, my sweet loving savior, the reason I was still alive today, was okay. He was fully intact, and unharmed. There wasn't a scratch on his lovely form, though his face did hold a bit of shock in its features, but he was okay. He was alive, and he was standing several feet out of my reach. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms and make sure he truly was safe…for now. This long distance just wasn't working for me. I needed that blond in my arms and I wasn't sure I'd be able to breathe properly until that happened.

My hand, without an ounce of the trembling I had been feeling just moments ago, reached for the door handle and closed around it. With my regained strength I pulled, and failed to release myself from the small space. Assuming I was still in a slight state of shock, I tried again, to no avail. I decided I didn't feel like fucking with the damn stubborn door when I had already assumed earlier that the only way I'd be able to breathe again was if I got myself to Demyx and made it absolutely clear to myself that he was completely unharmed. So without further ado, I reached my hands out of the broken window and placed them on the roof of the car. I then exited the beat up beauty _Dukes of Hazzard_ style, managing to escape with only a few minor cuts to my legs as I swung them out of the window. When my feet hit the ragged stone I was still facing Axel's car, and I bent down a bit to wipe the small pieces of glass off of my jeans, which were the only reason my legs weren't a bloody mess right now.

As I stood up tall again, I turned myself around to face Demyx. Almost as if they were magnets, my eyes met my blonde's surprised eyes immediately, and refused to look away. They stuck to his eyes as if a force beyond our power; a force the strength of nature was holding them there, demanding obedience. After all there is no way to stop a wave, it comes whether you are prepared for it or not. Then it will take you with it until it finally disappears. My only hope was that when this wave disappeared, I'd be with him. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to be with him, to be near him, to be wrapped around him. I needed him. Ha, I needed someone. It always seems as though everyone needs me, but for once, I need someone. And I need him now. With everything I had, with all the power I could muster up, I ran. I ran towards my Demyx, the only man who could ever hurt me so much, the only man who could affect me so greatly and make me loose all thoughts of the safety of others and myself. The only man I'd ever loved.

My feet slammed to the earth beneath me while my heart pounded within my chest, as I got closer and closer to the blond, the main reason I wake up every day. As soon as he was within my reach, I threw myself at him and my arms around him, immediately feeling the warmth of his body against mine. With his arms pinned beneath mine, I clung to him like my life depended on it. I buried my face in his shoulder taking in his wonderful scent and feeling his soft but not quite delicate skin next to my cheek and then realized how tight I was holding the poor man. With the amount of strength I was putting into this death grip of a hug, it would be an accurate hypothesis to say I was suffocating him, which may explain why he wasn't moving. Since suffocation is clearly the opposite result of my true intention, I decided that I really should let go. But saying and doing are two very different things. As much as I told myself to let go, I just couldn't. My body was disobeying me. This was new for me. And I can't say I like it all that much.

Once again, I told myself to let go, and only found myself tightening my grip as if I was purposefully defying myself, which is rather fucked up. But I just couldn't let go of him. What if his eyes turned to the cliff when I let go? What if he jumped, when I let go? I'd never be able to do this again. I'd never wrap my arms around this warm, comforting body, never smell the ocean breeze scent he seemed to emit, never run my fingers through his soft hair, never feel him wrapped around me as I slept. I'd never be able to tell him how he makes me feel, if I let go I'd lose all of that, and I couldn't bare it.

After what seemed like hours I resigned myself to slowly loosening my grip around him. But before I could release him, my plans changed of their own accord. I sluggishly dragged my hands up his back, memorizing the feeling of every muscle, bone, and curve, before grabbing each side of his face between them. Then I pulled him a few inches down, forcing him to be at the same level as me, and without even attempting to talk, I knew I was incapable of speech at the moment, I looked at him like I hadn't seen him in years. Those surprised, somewhat frightened and always sad blue green eyes, met mine and I never wanted to look away. If I never did anything else with my life other than look into the deep depths of this man's eyes, I would be happy. I would be more than happy, I'd have more than I ever expected for myself.

As I looked upon the man who had no idea that he that he meant everything to me, I counted every single freckle: one, two, three, like I was afraid one of those lovely little markings that made up this man's perfectly crafted face, may have gotten lost or forgotten on his way to this point. And what a shame that would be, to forget anything about this man. I could go blind and still see him perfectly, I could go deaf and still hear his voice clearly, and I could lose all sense of everything and still feel him next to me. I could never forget a single detail of this man. As Axel would say, I have him memorized. Every curve of his luscious lips, the shape of his beautiful nose, lightly spotted with freckles that extend onto his gorgeous high cheekbones, the perfection of his face altogether as a whole, I had it all memorized.

And now that everything was safe, now that Demyx wasn't rushing full speed to the edge of a cliff and I no longer had to stay composed and level headed, I realized just how close I'd come to losing all of that and more. See, the man behind the face is just as gorgeous. I actually hadn't fallen in love with his appearance until about eighth grade. I fell in love with him for who he was first. And I could never bring myself to say anything to him because I was afraid of what he'd say. We were both so young when I fell for him. I spent night and day thinking about him, thinking about what he might say if I told him how I felt, what it would be like to hold his hand as more than friends. But I could never do it. Then I finally did work up the courage. I invited him to lunch with me, and Axel of course, I didn't want scare him. I had it all planned out. I'd invite him to my house during lunch, and then when we were alone I'd tell him how I felt. But Axel beat me. I couldn't stomach telling Demyx my feelings after seeing him so happy with Axel, so I kept quiet. I wasn't meant to be happy anyway. I resigned myself to living without that wonderful man's love, and just staying friends with him, secretly loving every detail about him. Not just what was on the outside, which was what Axel had fallen in love with, but what was on the inside. Demyx is gentle, sweet, caring, he loves with all that he is, not just a tiny part of him, and so much more. Admittedly he's got some self esteem issues and is completely depressed with a side of suicidal, but I take the bad with the good, and like I've said before, I love him for every imperfection.

At the realization that the world had almost lost this man, that _I_ had almost lost him, my legs finally lost their ability to hold me and I collapsed to my knees, not once letting go of Demyx. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't pretend to be that perfectly controlled Zexion, who's always there to fix everyone's problems anymore. I buried my face in Demyx's stomach and I let it all out. I cried. I cried like I'd never let anyone see before. I hadn't even cried this much in front of Axel. I just completely lost it. I was no longer in control of myself. This wasn't something that happened often, and it was something that never happened in front of people. And yet, in the past twenty four hours I've broken down in front of both Axel and Demyx, and both times involved Demyx nearly killing himself. When it came to him I can completely fall apart, or feel completely whole. He was just _that_ important to me, and it was scary. But I'd rather have a complicated life with Demyx, than an easy life with someone else. Demyx was made for me, and I was made for him. If in the past I had ever had doubts about that, they were gone now. Demyx was meant for me, no one else, he was mine. I am the only person who can save him.

oOo

My body was visibly shaking as I sat in the driver's seat, with the belt still cutting into me, and my breathing ragged. I wasn't at all concerned about the fact that I had almost died. That had been my goal. The problem was that I almost took someone with me. Death was a good. It was an easy solution to my painful life. But I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it. Part of the reason I was jumping was to make everything better for everyone else. I didn't want to be such a burden to the people I cared about, but that's all I am. I'm a horrible creature that never should have been given the chance to breathe. I can't do anything right, I only hurt people, and here I almost killed someone. And I had a pretty good idea of who was in that car.

When I finally forced my body to stop shaking I stepped out of my crappy vehicle ready to face my 'rescuer'. As I slammed my door closed, because if I didn't it would refuse to close, the first thing that met my eyes was Axel's Chevelle. He was going to be pissed. He built that car from scratch, customized every bit of it to fit his personality and tastes, and spent over four months picking the perfect color, rally red. And here it sat, not quite the condition one would want their masterpiece to be in. The front bumper was hanging down where it shouldn't be, the grill was more than a little dented, the door was all bent out of shape, and most of the paint, the rally red, four month decision paint, on the left side of the car, was now on the right side of my car. I think it's safe to say Axel will be more than pissed. To be frank, I'm a little frightened to see his reaction when he finds out about this.

Then I watched, not at all surprised that it wasn't Axel, but completely flattered, and more than a bit guilty, as Zexion climbed out of the broken window. I couldn't help the small whine that escaped my lips. Apparently Axel's door wouldn't open, and both windows were broken. And Zexion, he'd stolen his best friend's car, trashed it, somehow figured out where I was going, and risked his life, all to save me from myself. He didn't have to do any of that, why would he do it for me? Why was I ever born? I just cause more and more trouble with ever breath I breathe, and every beat of my tattered heart. I didn't deserve this life when all I seem to do is hurt other people. I've ruined so much, I'm nothing anyone wants me to be, and I can't even bring myself to like anything about me. I'm just a waste of space.

When Zexion's feet hit the ground he bent down and wiped, what I assumed was glass, off of his pants then turned around to face me. His eyes met mine in an instant, and it didn't matter that I felt guilty and just wanted to look away, my eyes wouldn't let me. They were stuck to Zexion's and refused to move. But with all he went through, just to save me, he must be furious. Why don't I see that anger in his eyes? Is his mask on? Why can't I tell right now? Why is my heart racing? Why do I want his arms wrapped around me like they were this morning? As these questions went through my mind, I watched, literally watched as his mask fell. It was as clear as if he'd actually been wearing a true mask on his face and had pulled it off his head. The mask fell, and I saw the pain in his face, I saw everything I must have put him through. And then he ran to me.

No one has ever come to me; no one has ever needed me. He needed me? No, that had to be wrong. But before I could even begin to make sense of it, Zexion launched and wrapped himself around me. He was holding me so tight I thought I may pass out from lack of air. But his face, pressed so desperately against my shoulder, kept me wide awake. It felt so wonderful, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and show him exactly how he was making me feel. Unfortunately, he had my arms pinned to my sides, preventing my desired action, and I was somewhat frozen in shock. Like I mentioned, no one had ever needed me before. Added to that, Zexion was holding me _again_.

Zexion just doesn't do that. He doesn't show emotion or affection, but that's all he's been doing for the past few days. Normally I was the one who hugged him, and he grudgingly accepted it until I was satisfied. And if anyone else dared to touch him when he was not expecting or allowing it, well let's just say spoons cause more damage than we give them credit for, especially when in the hands of a very angry Zexion. Everyone except me had learned to take their cues from him. If he was in an okay mood, it was alright to sparingly touch him. But most days, he just didn't tolerate it. He had a bubble around him that he only allowed me to penetrate without consequence. Even with that, he never, before today, touched me first. He'd just been so out of character all day, and I hadn't realized it until now.

I had been the one to attach myself to him in our bedroom, but was too upset to completely understand what it meant to have him hold me back. And in the bathroom, he'd been making me feel so good I had no other thoughts, then suddenly it was all gone ad I wasn't' thinking about the fact that he hugged me first and didn't just leave it at a hug. He started it, not me. And now, now I had finally realized it. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't breathe, but I finally understood that in the past day, something had changed between me and Zexion, something I wasn't sure I should be allowing.

As much as I want it, and as much as Zexion seems to want it, I still think its best that he finds someone better than me. While going over all of this in my head, my air supply became more and more scarce. Like a boa constrictor, every time I breathed in his arms wrapped tighter around me. It felt so _new_ to have someone so concerned for me. I couldn't help but bathe in the feeling. It was like he l-loved me. But that is impossible. I'm not loveable, he's confused. Although, in all my life I'd never known Zexion to get confused, but that doesn't change anything, there always has to be a first. And today is his first, because he is wrong, if he thinks he loves me, because that is impossible. That is something that will never happen.

I was beginning to think I may need to tear Zexion off of me when his grip finally started to loosen. Then his hands slowly and gently made their way up my back, dipping into each curve and making their way over my shoulder blades. I could feel myself getting weak as I lost myself in Zexion's touch. Before I knew it, those magical soft hands were on either side of my face and pulling me down a few inches to be at his level.

My eyes immediately connected with his gorgeous dark blue orbs. We were so close I could even see his right eye through the multi blue colored strands. There was more pain in those eyes than I ever thought possible to see in them. It was like it hurt him to think he came so close to losing me. And once again, the only word that came to my mind was 'impossible'. I was killing myself because I knew no one would miss me, because I knew it was best for everyone. Because I knew if I stayed, I'd ruin Zexion's life, just like I had Axel's. The pain in Zexion's eyes couldn't be from me, he was just in a car accident after all. And if it was from me then that's just even more reason for me to jump, I'm obviously causing him pain. It's in his eyes. But now I was concerned that he may be injured, which is also my fault, because my car hit his. I tried to look for any injuries on him, but his hands wouldn't allow my face to move, so I simply looked back to his pain filled eyes. Why is he looking at me like he hasn't seen me in years? Why are his fingers trembling against my face? And why are there tears beginning to form in those gorgeous globes that should never look so abused?

Then without warning Zexion fell to his knees, buried his face in my stomach, and let it all out. He cried like no one, not even I, had ever seen or heard. He was crying like I had been crying this morning. He wasn't holding anything back anymore. The events of the past day had completely destroyed the mask he wore and this was Zexion, the real Zexion, the man that only I had ever witnessed on occasion. And he is beautiful.

One hand immediately wrapped around his back while the other ran through his hair pulling him close. He'd comforted me all this time, now it was my turn. And I was happy to help him. Happy, me, ha. It felt amazing to hold him in my arms, but at the same time, I was scared. What was wrong? I already ruled out myself, kind of. Something had to be making him feel like this. Something more than injuries from a car accident that he never would have been in had it not been for me. "Zexion?"

Zexion made a slight strangled sound before clinging tighter to me, causing my legs to buckle and me to fall down next to him. Despite the disturbance Zexion quickly rearranged himself so his arms were now wrapped around my neck and his face was in my shoulder where I could feel his warm tears falling. Almost as fast as him, I arranged myself so I was holding him as close as humanly possible, or maybe just a little more. What if I was the reason for this? What if all of this pain was my doing? A single tear left my eye as I rested my head against his blue head. "Is this my fault Zexion?"

"No, no, no, no Dems. Zexion grabbed my face again, forcing me to look into his watery eyes, "Don't blame yourself." I could still hear the tears in his voice despite them not falling down his face.

"Then what has you falling apart like this? You're so good at wearing a mask, what could possibly take it away?" I asked as I used a tentative finger to wipe the hair out of the left side of his face, which of course resisted my attempt because the blue strands were sticking to his wet face. But I didn't let it beat me. Just like I was determined to make Zexion feel better. I found it incredibly interesting that I'd forgotten all of my own troubles, just because something was wrong with Zexion.

"It's not a what, he's a who."

"Oh." I felt part of myself die when I finally realized who he was talking about. "The guy you want to know how much you love him. The guy you were talking about with Axel, in the hallway?" I asked. Of course that was it. Only someone you love can hurt you this bad. And part of me wished, part of me had always hoped, that the person he had been talking about in the hallway was me. But wishing and hoping get you nowhere, because wishing and hoping doesn't make it real. It's just something you do to try to make yourself happier. But in the end, it'll only hurt you so much more. I wasn't the one Zexion loved, and I knew that, but I still hoped. And now it hurts so much more than if I had just accepted that from the beginning. It hurt more than realizing what I had done to Axel, and that I was ruining his second chance, it hurt more than knowing I'm not what my parents want, it hurts more than realizing nobody will ever love me, because Zexion isn't just anyone. He is Zexion. And he loves someone else. Just like Axel loves Roxas, and my parents love Naminé. And I can't blame him for that. It's my fault I'm feeling like this. It's my fault I somehow, had built up this tiny bit of hope that the one person that had always been there for me, that my best friend, loved me more than a friend and a brother.

Suddenly discouraged, I turned my face away from his, despite his hands still on either side. It shouldn't matter to me that he's thinking about another man, and I knew that. That tiny bit of hope I developed was just that. It was a hope, and nothing more. Zexion and I, we are friends, and that is all, so none of this should bother me as much as it is. But the wind rushing over my cheeks, chilling the freshly fallen tears, told me just how much it was affecting me. I hate myself.

"Demyx." I heard Zexion speak next to me. The strength was back in his voice. He was in Zexion mode again. I'd done my job. I was his shoulder. I did what he needed me to do. Now that I was done, I let my hands fall, he wouldn't need me anymore. Then I stood up and began to walk towards the ever calling cliff's edge.

"Zexion, just tell him you love him. It will all work out." I spoke with Zexion at my back, still sitting on the ground.

"How?" Zexion asked and I heard a slight scraping against the rock, like Zexion may be getting up. He'd attempt to stop me again, I knew he would. Not because he loved me. No, he'd do it because he's my friend, and he feels responsible for me. But I'm going to give him one less responsibility. He won't need to worry about me after I'm gone.

"I don't know, it's a mystery to me." I spoke quietly. Then I took off, full speed to the edge of the cliff. I had longer legs than Zexion, and a full ten foot head start. But this was right. Zexion will have his love to comfort him, Aexl has Roxas to tell him it wasn't his fault, and no one else will know or care. Like I already said, this is my time. I'm at the edge, and the sea is calling.

oOo

"Zexion, just tell him you love him. It will all work out." Demyx said quietly as I watched from my place on the ground, entirely hating where he was standing, and where his eyes were looking. The blond, whom I couldn't' live without, was approximately ten feet away from me, and staring into the depths of the sea. I silently placed a foot in front of myself, preparing it to launch me at a moment's notice. It seems my breakdown time is over. I have to be my controlled, fix everything, Zexion self. I should know better than to allow myself to lose control like that.

"How?" I asked trying to keep him talking. I still had to tell him he was, no is, the man I am in love with. Then my back foot slipped scrapping against the ground, and my heart stopped. Please don't run yet, I begged. There was no doubt in my mind that he was jumping. But I hadn't come all this way to lose him because once again, I fucked up with my words.

"I don't know, it's a mystery to me." How could someone's voice hold so much sadness? As the thought ran through my mind, Demyx sprinted forward and I launched myself towards him with my front leg, and ran. I ran faster than I ever dreamed possible, with adrenaline pumping through my veins once again. Before I knew it I was even with him at the ledge and I pushed him with all of my strength away from that calling sea. The force with which I hit him knocked him back, serving its purpose and getting him away from the danger. Unfortunately, it sent me off balance. As I felt myself begin to fall backwards, hearing the sea crashing at my back, getting louder and louder, I swung my arms around in an attempt to regain my equilibrium.

Finally, I caught myself, and as I stood up straight, my eyes met Demyx's. He looked so frightened and helpless watching me dangle at the edge but I was safe now, and I needed to show him that. I lifted my foot to walk towards my frightened blond when I felt the ground beneath me loosen, and crumble. There was no longer anything under my feet. It was just air and the crashing waves beneath. I threw my hands out to catch myself, but there was nothing to hold onto. And I knew, as any logical person would, I'm dead. And all I could think of as gravity took me, was my Demyx, my love.

**AN:**

…

…

**Yeah.**

…

**So, to my AIM friends: SURPRISE!!! Demyx is alive. (Except Bryan you ruined your surprise by making me tell you.)**

**I planned on ending this chapter with Zexion saving Demyx and them going home happily ever after, but that's just too…happy. And I'm not happy. So I figured what the F why not cause some more damage. Doesn't matter that this is a complete twist I did not see coming, all that matters is that I see so many possibilities with this new direction.**

**So let's see how long it takes me to get you the next chapter of this horribly depressing tale. I'm not going to say soon, cuz I said that last time and it's been months. But the next chapter is already started.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs and alerts. I appreciate them.**


	11. Scars

**Chapter Eleven: Scars**

A small trickle of blood ran down my finger and down the rose in my hand where the forgotten culprit resided. It was such a pretty item, a beautiful lie, mocking everyone. It gave the appearance that it was still alive. You could touch the petal and feel its silky smooth texture, and even smell its alluring aroma. But its life line was cut.

The roots that kept it in this world were severed and now it could only feign life. But before long, it would wither and decay. And where are we putting these gorgeous dying roses? I removed my eyes from the sad reminder in my hand and looked towards Axel. He was holding Roxas close to himself, and Roxas was giving him any comfort he could manage. A silent tear fell down the blonde's cheek and Axel gently wiped it away before pulling him closer. They almost looked like one figure with their black coats melting into each other.

Where was my comfort? Where was the person who held me in my time of need? Why am I here, dealing with this tragedy alone? I'll tell you where my someone is. My eyes landed on the coffin ready to be lowered into the ground, just as soon as we covered it in beautiful dead roses. Why give a dead person roses? What can they do with a dead rose? What can a living person do with a dead rose? They should leave a book, and music, and games. Yeah, that's what they should do. Especially books. Zexion loved reading.

Warm tears crumbled down my face. He may have only been a friend, and nothing more, but the pain was still there, almost like losing my other half. My heart had this huge hole in it where Zexion used to live. But now he's going to occupy another hole, a cold dark careless place. The complete opposite of the previous residence he owned in my heart. I couldn't imagine putting anyone through this; making a friend bury me. And yet, that's exactly what I had planned, before Zexion stopped me. He cared enough to stop me, for himself, and for me. Because when Zexion says I love you, he means it.

oOo

I could feel Roxas' hand around my wrist as he dragged e through a maze of hallways and into an elevator. It made me self conscious to have his hand there, despite the fact that a hoodie, a long sleeved shirt, and a bandage covered my wretched arm. I couldn't help it. I felt like he could feel every piece of raised and infected skin, like he could see right through me. There had actually been a time when that was true. I missed that, and at the same time, it was a relief to me.

After being dragged through what felt like the entire school Roxas unlocked a door and shoved me in. Then he pushed me towards one of the beds, which I assumed was his since the other didn't look like it was in use, until I was forced to sit. As he paced back and forth in front of me I watched him with a worried expression. "Roxas?"

"Shh!" He continued his pacing back and forth. "You know I should hate you."

"I know."

"Shh! You made everything so needlessly unbearable for me. I counted the seconds until I could get out of that town, because of you! I thought you of all people would be the one to be there for me, even if you didn't agree with my lifestyle. But you betrayed me; you hurt me, so bad Sora. I cried myself to sleep because of you."

"I kno—"

"Shh! And now you, you show up here, for whatever mom and dad's reason was, and expect me to help you—"

"No I don't—"

"Shh! And me, being the gullible jackass I am, will help you, with anything you need. Because some part of me still hopes that you are that boy that used to stand by me, no matter what the situation."

"I'm sorry Roxas, for everything." I cried. I couldn't stop the warm tears from falling. I just regretted all of my actions so much, and the wetness just kept pouring down my face. But I didn't want him to think I wanted him to feel bad for me. I deserved all of this, and I knew it.

"Sora," Roxas sighed as he sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. "Every part of me still loves you. And I believe you Sora. I forgive you. I've missed you so much." His arms closed tighter around me and I cried even harder. I hadn't been there for Roxas when he needed warm loving arms to comfort him, and yet, I show up out of nowhere and he easily forgives me, like I hadn't ruined his life. He forgave me like I had only let his balloon fly away. He even hugged me, like we were back in grade school and I had gotten my first 'C'. I had been devastated, afraid of what my parents would think, but he had been there for me, and held me close. I am the world's worst brother, but he still loves me. I need to take a trip to the bathroom. My wrists are itching.

"I n-need to go to the bathroom."

"You can wait. Tell me why you're here." Roxas demanded, loosening his hug, and pulling away, still holding one of my hands.

When I had arrived here, I planned on telling him everything, but I suddenly had cold feet. "I-I umm…I, mom and dad sent me, th-they thought it was best." I had a feeling he'd want more, but I ended my story there anyway.

"Best for what?" Roxas persisted. When I stayed silent he continued, "I want to know why you were shoved back into my life, no, my second start. You used to tell me everything Sora. You at least owe me an explanation. And, telling me the truth would be a good start to fixing what was broken between us."

"You're right." I couldn't just show up and expect him to take me in. He deserved to know what I had done to ruin his second start. "Y-you're the first person I'm telling. Mom, Dad, and Kairi just found out, but I'm choosing to tell you, because it's all my fault that I was sent here and will inadvertently screw everything up for you." I paused, longer than I meant to, but I needed to pull myself back together.

"I do hope you're elaborating on that." Roxas said lightly. I nodded and decided the best way to tell him was to show him. Using my index finger and thumb, my shaking limbs guided the zipper of my hoodie down until I could pull it off. I then easily discarded it on the floor before turning back to Roxas, who looked entirely confused and could only stare at me. Was I ready for this? I had to be didn't I? He's my brother, why am I so scared? Probably because I'm such a horrible brother, that when he told me his secret I told the entire world. "Sora?" Roxas questioned. So I held an arm out, and rolled my sleeve up, then started unwrapping the bandage, "Sora?" He said with concern, but I ignored him while I continued to unwrap the mummy cloth until my entire battle field was revealed and I heard a sharp intake of breath from Roxas as his fingers gently ran over my arm, before he pulled me back into his arms.

"I tried to kill myself, so they sent me here. Don't tell anyone please."

My heart sank at the next words, spoken near my ear, "You told everyone about me." He's right, if he told everyone, I would deserve it. "I won't tell anyone, I promise. But why Sora, why did you do this to yourself?"

"I deserved it. Each one is a punishment."

"Don't say that!" Roxas grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him. "Nothing you've ever done deserves that kind of punishment. Sora, I love you, I don't want to see this on you. It makes me hurt for you. Please stop, don't do it anymore."

"I tried." I let my head fall to his shoulder. "I tried to stop, after you left, but I always came back to it, because of the lie I'm living."

"Lie?"

oOo

The realization hit me fast and hard. Though the look in his eyes said he'd come to terms with and accepted his death. I could not allow this outcome. This fate is one I will not accept, just as he refused to allow me my dream. This was my fault, and it's time I clean up thie mess and help him put me back together. He's the only one that can.

In a matter of milliseconds, my brain shot messages throughout my body. I pushed myself towards the edge of the cliff before reaching out and grabbing the arm Zexion had attempted to save his life with. My other hand planted itself in a groove in the rocks, preparing to hold us up as gravity would more than likely take control. And as predicted, the force of Zexion's body falling, threatened to pull us both to our death, but my hand held on, even though it felt as though both of my arms were about to be ripped out.

As I lay on the frozen stone of the cliff, breathing heavily and clutching Zexion's wrist as tight as possible I became aware that I had no time to stop and think, 'what next". I knew, I could feel him fighting for his life with me, even though I couldn't see him. But I also felt something disturbingly new. The grip I held on his arm seemed to have aggravated something, and now a liquid substance was beginning to spill out of his arm causing him to slip through my fingers. I did not come all this way; I did not have a horrible vision of a horrible future without him, and therefore have an epiphany, to lose him now.

Disregarding the sharp edges of the cliff digging into my skin, the feeling that my arms would come out of their sockets at any moment, and any other matters of impossibility, I tightened my grip on Zexion's slippery arm. Then with everything I had, and with his much needed help, I pulled. My fingers gripped the jagged rock, digging into my delicate skin as my other hand buried its nails into Zexion's skin in an attempt to keep him from slipping while I pulled him to safety. I praised myself for the strength I had gained from working out most of my teenage life. If it weren't for that and the adrenaline coursing through my veins, this would probably be an impossible feat.

Continuing to ignore the rocks tearing at my flesh, I began to reposition my legs and drag myself across the jagged earth while Zexion helped pull himself up, by climbing up the cliff. As soon as I saw his free hand reach the ledge, I decided to take a chance, since I couldn't pull him any further in my current position, and let go of the rock maneuvering into an awkward sitting position. I then grabbed his free hand so both of his arms were in my control, and with all my remaining strength I brought him onto the cliff with me as I fell backwards.

I let out a sharp pained breath when I felt him land on my bruised body, but all the same, I refused to allow him to move. He was here, with ground, or I guess me beneath him, he was safe, breathing and his arm is digging into a rib that may or may not have snapped while being forced against an odd jutting formation in the cliff, but he was alive and no amount of pain would be able to rip my arms from his body.

As we lay there catching our breath after Zexion gave up on rolling off of me, he allowed his head to fall against my rapidly beating heart, and I kept my arm locked around his back, never planning to let go. Then I suddenly remembered the wet substance that had burst from his arm. Without giving him any sort of warning I grabbed his wrists in my hands, flipped him onto his back, ignored the 'what the fuck' with a side of 'holy hell' look on his face, and straddled his waist. Then I pulled one of his arms close to my face, rolled down the sleeve to see what the damage was, and my jaw dropped. What I saw was something I never in my life expected to see. Not even thinking twice about my insecurities, I pulled my shirt off and immediately began wiping blood and what looked like glass out of an arm so tortured it was befitting of _Saw_. What was more disturbing that the fresh wound, dried up blood, and the glass, was the fact that when I cleaned his entire arm, there were three scars, too geometrically placed to be an accident. Zexion had a secret.

oOo

I couldn't believe it, just as I had accepted my fate and come to the realization that there was nothing for me to grab and hold on to, someone reached out and grabbed me. It was a hand I knew well, one of the only hands I allowed to touch me, and he saw fit to save me.

As I crashed into the side of the cliff I heard a gasp of pain from Demyx, I assumed was from the force of my weight pulling him down and his own resistance to the gravity that wished to claim me. To relieve some of the tension from his arms I forced my feet and free hand to find grips in the cliff, then let out my own gasp of pain when I felt my new wound burst open, and felt the blood gushing down my arm.

There was a time when I craved that, but dangling over a cliff, with the only thing keeping me from a watery grave, being a hand that was gripped around my bleeding arm, was not the time. I crave pain from time to time, but I no longer craved death. It all changed when Demyx walked into my life the day I was going to end it all. And now he was saving me again, only this time he was aware of it. Demyx was fighting for something, and that's just the first step in the right direction.

Fearing he'd lose his grip on me, I felt Demyx dig his nails into my abused wrist as his hand tightened around me and he began to tug me up with the help of my awful climbing abilities. Though it felt like I was hanging there for hours, it only took a few minutes for Demyx to drag me up, little by little.

Finally, with one final desperate tug, and both of his hands around each of my wrists he pulled me up, causing me to land directly on top of his more than likely bruised body, which resulted in a pained sound from his lips. I tried to roll off of him as fast as possible, hating the fact that I was causing the beautiful blond pain, but he just wouldn't let me go, just like I hadn't been able to release him earlier.

Eventually I decided to let Demyx have his way. A little pain wouldn't hurt him… figuratively. He just needed to know I was truly present, that I wasn't at the bottom of this cliff with my lifeless body being thrashed around by the wild waves. So I rested my head against his chest, listening to the rapid beat of his heart, grateful that he had saved me. Yes I had been okay with dying, but this was better, this gave me more time to save Demyx. Then suddenly, said blond, grabbed my wrists, roughly flipped me onto my back, and straddled my waist. If it were anyone else I may have been frightened and I definitely would have had to hurt them. But it was Demyx, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and allowed him to do what he wanted with me and enter my personal bubble. However, what he did next nearly had me shaking in my boots.

He brought my arm, the one I'd used to break Axel's window, up to his face and pulled the sleeve down. I knew the shock I saw on his face would only get worse the more he examined my arm. It seems whether either of us was ready or not, I was telling him how he saved my life. My face mirrored his when I saw him willingly pull his shirt off, revealing the perfectly formed muscles he perceived as fat, right in front of me. I was more important than his insecurities. But then he began to wipe the blood off my arm, revealing something I'd never let anyone not even my mom see.

I saw the shock grow in his eyes, and fully expected to see disgust. But that never came, only concern and confusion filled those beautiful blue orbs as he stared at my lightly mutilated arm, back to my eyes. Then he cradled my arm to his chest keeping his shirt tightly wrapped around it, and a tear fell from his eyes. Not a tear for his life, but a tear for the pain he assumed I must have suffered for someone as level headed as me to do _that_ to myself. He then bent down, my arm smashed between us, and rested his chin against my shoulder, with his cheek against my cheek, gently nuzzling. "What're you're secrets Zexy? What have you been keeping from us?"

With my one free arm, I wrapped it tightly around him, wanting him as close as possible. "I didn't feel the need to burden anyone with my problems. They were mine and I dealt with them in a way I felt necessary. Though, it wasn't my most intelligent decision."

"Zexion, it's not a burden. We want to know and help. You didn't have to cut yourself." He murmured against my neck, sending shivers through my body.

"At the time, it would have been a burden. My mom had enough to deal with, and I didn't _cut_ myself. This was a test, to see how deep I could go, how far I would go. Demyx…I was going to kill myself. I had a plan, and I was ready to carry it out. My test was successful and my plan was put into motion."

"What happened?" Demyx whispered.

"You walked into my life."

"What?"

"That summer before school started, I had it all planned out. I'd thought up every single circumstance that would threaten to end my plans, and I figured out my way around them. All of them, except you. You were an unexpected surprise and you're the reason I'm still alive today." Demyx had lifted his head and was staring silently into my eyes. "I only wish I could be your reason."

There was a moment of silence before Demyx quietly spoke. "But Zexy, you are my reason."

"Because I drove Axel's car in front of you?"

"No, well, kind of, but before that. The first time, I wanted to, I was going to do it, and I didn't think anything or anyone could stop me. But I started thinking about you, and I couldn't do it anymore. So I went back to school, and you know what happened after that."

I nodded, relieved, and selfishly happy that I was the reason he didn't go through with it. "Well Dems, it seems we're holding each other to this earth."

"If one of us goes, the other one goes with."

"Mmm…so what're you going to do?"

"I'm going to just, lie here, a little longer." Demyx nodded before resting his head against my shoulder again. Part of me wanted to know what he was thinking about, the other part wanted to give him his privacy to work over the events of this day, so I let him be, keeping my free arm wrapped around him, closing my eyes, and basking in the moment. Having him so close to me, yet so far away, was almost a bittersweet pain, one I was very used to. But it felt like, just maybe, he was finally starting to get a little closer. "How did you get Axel to let you borrow his car?"

The question caught me by surprise, I had not been expecting it at all, and I couldn't fight the smile that crept onto my face as I answered him, "You almost died, I almost died, and you're worried about Axel's car, which is now trashed? A car I built with him no less?"

Demyx immediately sat up, placing his hands on my stomach before he leaned down closer to my face, smiling, "You built a car?"

My smile grew, and I had to fight to keep a laugh from leaving my lips as I nodded and pointed to Axel's car with my free hand. "Yeah, that one."

"I didn't know you could do that. Well, you can do everything, but that? Wow, how?"

"It was a combination of taking auto shop with Axel and buying a book about how to build Chevelles."

"I remember that. You finished taking all the mandatory classes and I told you that you should graduate and you said you were going to take more extracurricular classes. So that's why Axel let you borrow the car, because you helped him build it?"

"Not Exactly. But yeah, if I had asked him, that'd be why he'd agreed. But… I didn't ask him. I borrowed it… without asking."

"He keeps it locked."

I lifted my bloody arm and showed him my fist. "You were driving away, and I knew what you were going to do. I didn't have time to go to my car, or to get permission from Axel to use his. So, I punched the window out and hotwired it."

"I can't believe you did that. Axel loves his car. He's you're best friend. It's like you chose me over him."

"The car can be fixed. We built it once we can build it again. If I lose you, I can't fix it. And I will always choose you over Axel. I know you can't comprehend that, but it's true."

"So, it wasn't hard to break your best friend's car for me?"

"Honestly, I wasn't thinking about Axel, I could only think of you. The difficult part really, was figuring out where you went. I needed to get in your head, and figure out how you were doing it, and where you'd do it."

"How did you do that?"

"I know you Demyx. It may surprise you, but I pay attention to everything you do, everything you say, and everything you don't say."

Demyx frowned and nodded slowly as if trying to accept it. "But, I pay attention to you, and I feel like I hardly know you. I mean, I never would have guessed you tried to kill yourself."

"I'm very good at keeping secrets, and you pay much more attention to Axel than you do to me. But Dems, you do know me better than most people, even better than Axel."

Demyx nodded again, before standing up and holding his hand out for me, which I gladly accepted. The touch of his hand wrapped around mine, made me wonder what it would feel like if we walked down a hallway like this, or if I walked up to my mom like this. I just wanted, so much, for this to be real. Once I was standing up, Demyx opened his mouth, without dropping my hand. "Why do you let me hug you?"

"Well…" To say I was shocked was an understatement. Facing my death was easier than answering this question to Demyx. He just couldn't accept the truth, and that made answering this unnecessarily difficult, "Because I like you."

"You like our other friends, you like Axel, but you only let me hug you."

"I-I like you more than them." I finished lamely. But as Demyx looked like he was about to protest I squeezed his cold hand tighter and interrupted him, "When we were younger, actually even today, when I have a bad day, you can usually tell. No one else can see it, but you do, and you hug me. And tough there's no logic in it, it makes me feel better, to have your arms wrapped around me, which is selfish, but don't I deserve comfort too? I spend all this time helping others, and I just want to accept it whenever you comfort me."

"But…Why me?"

"It feels better when it's you." I shrugged, not entirely sure myself why he made me feel so good, ever since the day I met him.

"Why did you kiss me?"

"I've already tried to tell you, but you don't want to hear it Demyx" I reminded him as he handed me the keys to his car.

"What makes you say that?"

"Like I said," I looked him directly in the eyes, "I know you and I've seen you're reaction to it."

oOo

"But I don't know what 'it' is. That's what I'm asking. I understand why you wouldn't tell me something and why you keep secrets from me, I'm not worthy of knowing. And I know, if I hadn't seen the cuts, you wouldn't have told me any of the things you have. I was just hoping I'd earned some trust. Is Axel's car going to work?" I finished and Zexion stared at me with disbelief. Then I remembered something he'd said, or had tried to say when I moved in with him. "You care about me?"

"Of course I do." Zexion sighed and pulled me into a hug. I could feel his bloody arms on my back, and feel his warm breath on my neck. He was doing it again, _he_ was hugging _me_. "Dems, I've told you that before. You mean a great deal to me, even though you can't believe that, it will always be true."

He was right. I had a hard time believing something I couldn't understand. But with his arms wrapped around me like this, I think he means it like that, and it becomes a little more believable. But that wasn't safe. In the last thirty or so hours I had tried to kill myself twice, all because someone had said he cared when he didn't. How could I really know if Zexion was being truthful? Well maybe there is a way. I pulled away from Zexion to look him in the eyes. His hair was tousled every which way, allowing me to see both beautiful dark blue eyes that shined like the night sky. I wanted him to like me, no I wanted him to love me, even though I don't deserve it, and can't accept it. Some people would have anyone love them, but I only wanted him.

So without further thought, I leaned in and placed a feathery light, almost undetectable kiss on Zexion's soft, slightly chilled lips. Then I placed a hand on each side of his face, and with a greater passion, I kissed him again, close mouthed, and he didn't push me away, like I thought he would. Instead, he followed along, mimicking my actions and he wrapped his arms around me again. I was getting so lost in the moment that I almost forgot why I was doing this in the first place; to find the truth. And I think he meant every word he said. Unfortunately, if it was really true, I still wasn't ready to accept it and hated myself for that. I pulled back, "I can't do this." I walked to my car and climbed into the passenger seat, then waited for the shocked Zexion to get in the front. Once he was in, I carefully watched him adjust the seat and mirrors before starting it. Then he looked at me. There wasn't even an ounce of anger in his voice. It was like he understood I needed time.

"You ready?"

"Zexion, you gave me strength when I thought I had nothing left. And I wish I could give you what you want, because you deserve it, but I can't. Axel…he hurt me. My heart's been torn apart and he still has most of me. Eventually, I might be able to _try_ to love again, but that's all. I can't make promises, I don't' even know if I'll be here tomorrow. And, and what if you're just confused with your feelings towards me?" I explained my fears as Zexion patiently listened to every word I confessed.

"I was confused when my mother told me my father was dead. I'm not confused about this. I've never been confused about my feelings towards you." Zexion declared, looking directly in my eyes. Then he leaned across me, bringing himself closer and closer. His hand gently cupped the side of my face, just before he touched his lips to mine. The way he moved so sensually against me, made me feel as if he were putting care into every tiny movement, all while paying attention to my reaction. Though he had initiated it, he wasn't forcing me to play along. And his goal was accomplished. I now know for sure, without a doubt, that I was right in thinking he really meant it when he said he cared, and that he may even love me. But I don't know if I can truly love him back. The thought brought tears to my eyes and as Zexion kissed me, I felt them falling down my cheeks. But I didn't want him to stop; I wanted it to last forever.

oOo

It felt…good, to be able to kiss him. It's something I had always wanted to do, and today we've kissed several times. It was everything I hoped it would be, well almost. My hand was on his face, my arm wrapped around his neck, his eyes were closed, savoring the moment, and he wanted it just as much as me, but there was something conflicting him. There was something telling him, no matter how right it felt, what we were doing is wrong, and the result was warm tears cascading down those beautiful freckled cheeks. Not wanting to cause him more pain and having accomplished my goal, I pulled away and rested my forehead against his. "And I've never asked you to love me back. I've never expected that of you Dems. I don't mean to make you feel like that's all I want from you. In truth, I'm ecstatic to have you as a friend. And you will be here tomorrow; I'll make sure of it."

"But you deserve so much better than me." Demyx murmured quietly.

"You save me every day, what more could I ask for?" I said before pulling away and putting the car into drive.

**This has been written for several months, I just took forever to type it, and I'm sorry. I hope you enjoyed. I promise I'm still writing this, I'm just being a bad updater. I'm still writing all my other stories as well.**

**Thanks for all reviews, favs, and alerts.**

**Also, thank you for your patience. **


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